opinions on this please

[DropItLikeASquat]

AIBU to not know what to do??

This is long and complicated but ill try to give as much info as I can so I am not drip feeding.

I regularly meet up with 2 other mummers for playdates and a cuppa.

We became ‘friends’ through a local baby group and were all single parents at the time. We were part of a bigger mums group but as other mums have gone back off mat leave its just us 3 left.

Friend 1 lets call her ‘Mable’ and I are still single parents and do not have partners.

Friend 2 lets call her ‘Babs’ has got back with the father of her children and this is where it gets complicated. Gabs claims single parent benefits.

Babs and Mr Babs (not married) are in both mine and Mables opinions a ‘couple’.
Apart from him staying with friends for a short while, he hasn’t really left the family home, has all of his belongings at her home and works full time earning quite a good salary and transfers money into er account each month for what she calls ‘child maintenance’.
He gets his bank statements etc sent to his friends address and uses is it for his correspondence, but never stays there overnight.
Babs calls him her partner, they are raising their children together in a joint household and he does not physically reside elsewhere.
Babs says that she will not consider them to be a couple until he officially ‘moves in’ and they re-establish a financial connection etc.
Mable believes Gabs is committing fraud. Mable is furious because she really struggles on her own and privately told me she is tempted to report Gabs for fraud.
I know deep down that what Gabs is doing is wrong and I feel its unfair that she has wayyyyy more disposable income that myself and Mable due to her interesting family ‘setup’.

My gut feel like this is wrong and that I should support Mable in her decision to report the situation but I feel like I am being dishonest to Gabs.

I want to sit on the fence and not get involved but after chatting to a family member of mine I realise that by doing noting I am support Babs in her lifestyle and refusal to declare her real circumstances.

My question is AIBU to not feel the desperate urge to report Babs and WWYD if you were in this situation.

NewYear is actually correct in the sense that his residence is where he is listed on the electoral roll and where he pays council tax however when people are on benefits claiming as a single person I am fairly certain the rule is that partner’s can stay over two or three nights a week, any more is considered living together. They are very much playing the system, even to the extent he is paying her regularly which would look like maintenance.

I had an issue with tax credits when exh first left. They thought he was still living here so I got a letter accusing me of such and I had to send a ton of paperwork to prove otherwise. If it’s similar for other benefits and she sends the paperwork, it will still check out as I presume they don’t have a joint bank account and he is paying her what looks like maintenance etc. They even asked for three months worth of phone bills . But if they do a random check of the house to make sure his belongings aren’t there, she is screwed. Unsure how it works but yes, I think Mable is correct in wanting to report tbh.

Personally I am on benefits and am a Lp.

I hate benefit fraud but could never bring myself to report someone for it because you don't know the exact circumstances and particularly where children are involved it could put them in serious hardship while it's all investigated.

In this particular situation my concern would be that the father wouldn't step up and properly support his children/family.

But - I couldn't stay friends with someone doing this. I'd take a step back from the friendship, telling them why and that they need to sort themselves out before someone DOES Report them or someone from benefits agencies notices something amiss (they do regular checks inc watching people's houses, checking sm etc).

I'm also like a pp of the opinion it's not fraud that reduces the amount given to the needy because benefit fraud is a mere drop in the ocean compared to other areas the govt spends on.

But it does annoy me that people acting like this give the benefits bashers (inc govt) ammunition for more bashing.

Jeez with friends like you pair babs don't need enemy's! Let her get on with it do you want to be responsible for putting her in jail or something just because you are jealous?

Even though it is wrong what she is doing, I don’t think you should report her. She will be found out eventually

People like her get caught eventually, usually due to thinking they're much smarter then they actually are and they get sloppy.

By then she and her partner will probably have stolen enough to go to jail.

What graphista said.

Personally I wouldn’t report it (I can’t really make a cogent moral argument I just know I wouldn’t) but I do think it’s a wrong thing to do, like tax evasion or insurance fraud.

You and your mate need to find yourselves partners then you won't have time to nose in her business. Keep your beak out of it. If she brings it up say you don't want know about her dodgy dealings.

That’s not how you spell Mabel.

(Mable?!)
It's none of your business really is it, don't give it any headspace.

so sorry my phone keeps autocorrecting Babs to Gabs. FML.
I have woken up thinking I'm just going to leave it but thats because I condone her behaviour but because I don't want the hassle. I know this really means I've made the decision support Mable and TBH thats fine IMO.
I know if it was a stranger that I knew was dodging the system I wouldn't hesitate to report. But.... its harder to do it when you know the person and will have to see them regularly. Or perhaps not, Mable probably won't speak to her again, she is really upset. She finds it hard and very emotive as she struggles on her own financially and it trying to find work ATM without much success, I guess her situation is making her feel more passionately about the situation.
For me I just feel like I don't want any grief so TBH I will most likely just back off for a bit until the air clears.
Thanks for your advice though, its interesting to see how other peoples opinions are so so different. I understand this is a highly emotive subject and meets with a lot of differing and passionate opinions.

sorry thats NOT because I condone her

Reporting someone doesn't mean they're guilty... It just means they'll be investigated??

It doesn't matter whether you're 100%certain,thats not your job-to investigate... That's the state's job

I’m surprised by the amount of people that condone this to be honest. Takes the piss out of the those of us who work, pay tax and play by the rules. Probably the same people who complain about the NHS and public service cuts. It is hard when you know them though.

Lola and Mookie, pmsl
def not jealous.
I don't want or need a partner, nor do I 'need' to find one.
I am happy on my own.
I know that may sound crazy but I really do enjoy being single.
IamtheDevilsAdvocate- thats very true, it does indeed take the piss.
I can see both sides of the argument though and maybe as others have said- she can't trust him to financially support their family so won't report a change of circumstances for fear of financial hardship.
that said they did go on holiday twice last year, once to quite a exotic and expensive location.
I don't know, its all clutching at straws anyway and I guess as Mabel is reporting it they will be investigated and may get caught anyways.
Im just sad that Mabel is so upset really, she is the closest to me in terms of friendship as we had similar break up and just 'gel' better so I don't want to go completely cold on both of them. I guess though if I cool off with Babs and not Mabel she will feel I'm taking labels side.
FFS friendships with other mums is worse than being at school sometimes.
can wait for toddler group on Monday

not label..... mabel, darn autocorrect!

saw Mabel today and as it turns out she reported it yesterday anyway.
Its already going to be on the 'system' somewhere so no point in me reporting too and worry about it every time I see Babs.
I feel a bit sick really after researching the true cost of fraud in the UK. not just this but tax evasion too. so much money that could go towards peoples needs rather than greed.

Mabel has done the taxpayer a favour

Why can't you wait for Toddler group so you can wallowing In Babs worry.

??

Stop being her friend. You don’t like her.

I hate fraud, so many people doing it. What I do when I find 'friends' or acquaintances doing things like this is tell them I don't like it, and that I completely agree with paying taxes and so on. Then I don't continue the friendship. I think its more honourable than sneakily telling tales and then still going for coffee with them!

I wouldn't report but I would find it hard to continue to be friends with this person. I can't enjoy the company of friends I don't feel I share common values and morals.

Does he often go away for work? Does he let you know the hotels he's staying in?

Oooops!!! Wrong thread. Sorry!!