To think that sexting etc education falls on deaf ears for lots of teens

[pasanda]

I have a just turned 14yr old dd. She is in the thick of 'teenagerdom' and whilst I consider us to be reasonably close, in that she tells me some stuff, I am in no doubt that I don't know the half of it.

For example, a few weeks ago, she told me a friend thought she was pregnant (14yrs in Jan). This friend did lots of tests, posted pics of them to dd (she showed me them) and eventually dd asked me to buy her an expensive clear blue one to give to friend to find out once and for all.

This I did and it came back positive. This girl had been chatting online to a 16yr old for nearly a year and on their first ever meeting had unprotected sex. Hence pregnancy. I have since found out it is actually one of dd's best friends (she accidentally said her name). Her step sister apparently helped her out with arranging an abortion. Her mother has no idea. I see this mum regularly.

My best friends husband is head of their school year (9) and often tells us about assemblies, plays etc they do about the dangers of meeting people you don't know. Dd says nobody listens and loads of people do it anyway.

The other day, she told me another good friend had sent 'nudes' to a boy. They were supposed to be meeting up in London (first meeting) but dd's friend backed out. (Thank goodness, as how I could have kept that from her v strict parents I have no idea!). He has since threatened her with sharing the nudes unless she goes on this date. Dd encouraged her hugely to say no, which she has, but clearly the pics are still out there.

This friend has access to alcohol and has handed out various types of drink to dd and friends on sleepovers. Parents have NO idea.

Dd has told me she gets 'dick pics' all the bloody time and constant requests for nudes.

There's other stuff she's told me about but post already long enough!

Aibu to think that all this education from school, and parents, does jack shit a lot of the time (not always) and so many parents have no fucking idea what their teens are up to? And for those of us parents who know secrets about other teens, do you/should you ever tell the parents, in which case you might loose the trust of your own dc?

No one listens I agree. Why would teens listen to middle aged people who didn't grow up doing all this stuff, telling us not to?
I also think unless the child's life is in danger then don't tell the parents. Not only will you ruin your child's trust their friend will also never trust them agajn.

Most valuable lessons in life are learned the hard way. Unfortunate but true.

I think that most teens would be shocked to discover that they are potentially breaking the law if they are sexting. Even if over 16 years old and can legally consent to having sex they could be breaking the law. This is a good leaflet for your DD
www.psni.police.uk/contentassets/fae34aff4af6409e9ad393130043ec55/sexting__the_law_leaflet_trifold.pdf

Perhaps suggest your Headteacher friend focuses not just in the stranger danger aspect but also the legal aspects. I know a group of teens who were given a talk on sexting recently and were shocked that they could be breaking the law. Even if the police ultimately take no action they could still face the trauma of an investigation.

@fad yeah that's very much covered on schools. As is the technicality that its creating and sharing incident pictures of children which could land them on the sex offender register.

Teens have a 'short term horizon' their brains are not developed enough to truly understand long term consequences. We can educate as much as possible but the best hope these kids have is a relationship with a parent like the OP has woth her daughter - open, trusting and non judgemental.

The sexting legislation is insane. If a 17 year old sends a 13 year old a sexual image of themselves, the 13 year old is immediately breaking the law as possession of child pornography is an offence. If the 13 year old ( a victim, in any sane world) goes to the police, they are relying on the police and/or the CPS being sensible. That obviously allows 17year old to use the very law itself as a blackmail lever.

It is open to the idiots who wrote this to explain why this is not like terrible countries which make rape victims “guilty” of “adultery

Whoops hit send.

If my teenagers had been caught up in this I would have forensically wiped their phones and attempted to protect them myself, because the law as written makes it crazy to try to report the crime.

Well their brains are still developing. The prefrontal cortex is the bit that assesses risk and consequences and doesnt develop fully until youre 25. I think a lot of them dont undetstand the gravity of consequences and most think it wont happen to them.

I have a SIL who is 16. When she was 14 she coyly mentioned to me that she was sexting a boy - I assumed it would be very sweet and innocent "holding hands" type stuff. She showed me and it wa actually the most profane, graphic and sickening/rude sexting I have ever seen 😳😳 like wtf is going on these days? It's terrifying.

You should be proud you have such an open and honest relationship with your teen OP, I think that is the most important factor that will prevent your DD making these mistakes herself. I’m 23 and I saw a fair few girls at my schools suffer the consequences of sexing and sending nudes and explicit videos. The pressure to engage in this sort of thing was enormous and when the pictures were inevitably sent around it was the girls that became social pariahs and judged as ‘sluts’, not the boys distributing the images, the schools knew what was happening in most cases and nothing was done. We had plenty of assemblies and PSHE lessons outlining the risks and the law but there was little support from the schools when things went wrong. I am absolutely dreading toddler DD becoming a teen, I only hope we will have the sort of relationship where she feels she can talk to me about these issues, and hopefully she will be sensible enough not to engage with it.

Same here. It's like they don't want to listen because they 'know it all'. Literally. Frightening.

Did you listen when you were a teenager? I didn't.
Was just lucky that I never ended up in serious trouble and that mobile phones didn't exist.
Teenagers have always been the same, thinking they know better than the adults around them. It's horrible but true.

I think it's scary how things move so quickly and sexting has become normalized. I'm an older mum so (thank god) nobody had mobiles when I was a teenager or a student.

My dd is 15 and, like the op's dd has been sent countless "dick pics" and requests for nudes.

I think it's really hard as a parent to get the balance right between reminding children of the consequences of what they do, but not to show how worried/shocked/angry you might be feeling so that your dc feel that they can be open with you.

My dd's school includes sexting in their sex ed. lessons so children are aware of the law etc but - as others have said - they might be becoming adults physically, but they are far from adults emotionally. The Infinite Monkey Cage on Radio 4 recently had a really interesting episode on the teenage brain (available on podcast).

If my teenage DD asked me to buy a pregnancy test for a friend, I'd be asking some serious questions. You seem quite passive.

Not passive no. And of course I asked some 'serious questions'
And after the questioning, then what did you expect me to do?

I do agree about the teenage brain stuff. When my eldest ds was becoming a teen I read lots on teenagers including 'Blame my Brain' - a great book helping me to get why he did what he did sometimes.

Teacher friend covers everything at school. I've told him some of the stuff dd tells me, but without mentioning names, so he totally gets it. School recently had the police involved when one of the yr 9 girls was found to have a specific 'folder' in her phone containing all the images, videos, sexts she had been sent. Dd was walking past the loos one day and a crowd of girls were surrounding her, begging her to delete the stuff she had of them before her phone was taken away. Loads of them.

The worrying thing is the apps designed to look like something else (calculators usually) that they can hide text messages and images in, so they aren't found in the usual places a parent would look. That and snapchat. Snapchat is the work of the devil!