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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have contact with my mum/siblings...

10 replies

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 21:00

As brief a run down as I can give: I'm now 29. At 2.5 my parents split up. It was a turbulent and physically abusive relationship on my dad's part. At the time we were living with my mum and her two sons from previous relationships. When they split my dad took me with him, my mum called the police and they asked her if she thought I'd come to any harm, and she said no, because she thought he'd never hurt me even though he had hurt her (threw her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me for a start) and so she never did anything else to get me back.

There was a custody case initiated by my dad but she didn't turn up. My dad got full custody and I never saw her again until I put myself into care at 15 after many years of physical, emotional and psychological abuse. She had two more children after me, so in total I have 4 siblings but the eldest of us died when he was 17/I was 11. I saw my mum when I went into care by tracking her address down and turning up at her house. She was quite emotionally distant and the first thing she said to me was 'well you don't look like your dad anymore'. There was no happiness, no anything I sort of naively expected being a teenager and having not seen my mum since I was a toddler.

Anyway, as it happened my foster carers went away during my GCSEs at 15 and I had no one to care for me so my mum agreed to. One night I'd stayed out for tea and not told my mum and came home to a cold tea on the side. I didn't really fancy it so I scraped it into the bin as I didn't know what else to do. Bad, I know. Her reaction was absolutely crazy. She told me I was unwanted, that she had a newborn baby and a dead son in the cemetery and didn't want me in her life etc. All with her friend present in the room too. I ran upstairs and cried and my sister played board games with me without saying a word. I then left the next day and stayed with my boyfriends family for the rest of the time.

Ever since then I've had on/off contact with her but about 2 years cut all ties with her as I couldn't stand all the emotional dredging of things and to me she feels like a stranger. My siblings have tried to contact me lots of times and I've blocked them on every social media platform. The last message I got from my sister was her ranting on about wanting to have a sister and not understanding why I didn't want to support her etc.

AIBU to cut off contact? I have done so to protect my mental health really, but I don't know if I'm being selfish and I do feel guilty.

We live about 2 hours away from each other now by the way as I moved away from home.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 11/04/2018 21:05

If you can separate your feelings for your dm from your dsis maybe that would be a start? Likely she suffered at the hands of your dm also and is offering you both the chance for some family and support (?). Would you consider meeting her in a neutral place? I am nc with my dm and df but would hope I wouldn't tar a sibling....

Milliepede · 11/04/2018 21:07

I think there is potential to establish a relationship with your siblings if that's what you want, remember they are not responsible for your mother's behaviour. They seem to want to keep in touch with you, perhaps arrange to go for a coffee in a neutral location and see how it goes. As for your mother, ask yourself what you have to gain from a relationship with her and are you actually happy remaining NC with her. Good luck on whatever you decide.

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 21:09

I just don't know how to deal with the memories and things tied to them, and the fact that they mention my mum and our family and all the dramas that go with it, it just makes me get lured back into it all mentally.

I never grew up with these siblings so I don't really know them at all which is another thing I find difficult. We are very different from each other in basically every way you can think of.

OP posts:
milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 21:11

I'm pretty much 100% that I would like to remain NC with my mum, as I can't see any reason to be in contact. Her last message to me was 'have a nice life bye' haha.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 11/04/2018 21:18

Tentatively asking could your dm no longer be 'around' and she has chosen now to contact you?

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/04/2018 21:19

I think it’s perfectly healthy to cut ties with your mother, but maybe rethink your sister. She sounds like she’s tried to connect with you in the past via silent board games and then through social media. Imagine what it was like for her growing up with a crazy mother. Of course you don’t have to, but perhaps at the very least explain to her why it’s so difficult for you

sonjadog · 11/04/2018 21:22

I think you take care of your own mental health first, and if that means you don't see them, then that is what you do.

I don't like your sister´s comment about you not wanting to support her. It says something about what kind of expectations she would have for your relationship. Does it mean she wants a relationship where you are going to have to put her first? How about a relationship of equals, built around mutual interests and respect? It sounds like she wants to drain you of emotional energy, tbh.

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 21:27

Well she has contacted me many times over the years, but the last time she had cut contact with my mum yet still kept going on about her and about the past which is why I just cut off contact again and said I'm sorry I can't cope with everything that it brings up and she was really angry asking me why.

I feel really sad for her because she's been a victim too no doubt and was cut off by my 'mum'. This was because my sister was getting married and my mum and her husband were trying to control it all and make all the decisions and my sister objected, and wanted to put the wedding on hold because she was pregnant. Her husband called my sister all sorts of names and my brother threatened to hit my sister who was also pregnant at the time.

I could possibly consider contact again if she doesn't dredge up all the past, but also I don't feel it's fair to say she can't talk to me about that sort of stuff either.

OP posts:
niccyb · 11/04/2018 22:15

I definitely agree with you wanting to cut ties with your mother but your sister sounds like she is trying to reach out. She may be suffering too and feels you can help her.
Meet in a neutral place as others suggested for a coffee and if it’s not for you walk away.

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 22:39

I might extend an olive branch, it will be difficult though as I live 2 hours away from her now.

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