Issues with stbexh's gf

[saddenedformybabies]

Name changed for this and posting here for traffic.

My two kids (age 8 and 10) are frequently upset by the situation they find themselves in at their dad's gf's. The most recent thing is that they are upset that the gf always buys them clothes that don't fit and in their words "aren't as nice as the other kids'" (meaning the gf's kids.) she buys all their clothes, not their dad. No idea why.

This came about when discussing a party invitation and them being upset that if they are with him for contact on the day of a party then they have to go in scruffy, badly fitting clothes as this is what always happens. I feel so sad for them as they are so unhappy.

The clothes provided for them there are not what I would buy for them (not a problem as variety is good) but are mainly badly fitting, stained or have holes in them, the underwear stained. I want to cry when they come back home as they look so unkempt and uncared for. Their hair is always in ragged knots and unwashed. I despair. They are old enough to brush their own hair but claim they can never find a brush. The gf puts their clothes out for them to wear and they don't get a choice in outfit. They wear some very odd combos!

They have both told me the gf says she treats all the 8 kids (yes, I know, 8) the same yet they say she doesn't at all. The other kids get much nicer clothes.

I don't think she should have to be buying them clothes and shoes at all as is up to their dad but this is the way they seem to do things.

I have previously tried sending a change of clothes with them to come home in but have been told that they don't have time to get changed before coming home. Sending clothes with them for contact on weekends or holidays results in them going missing, being ruined or not being returned so in the end I refused to send stuff. Shoes shoes frequently don't get returned and they have to go to school in trainers. It's s nightmare.

Something else that has come to light is that the gf insists on them travelling in her car to places rather than in their dad's. They obviously have to take 2 cars with all those kids. Why would she do this? It makes me think she's stopping them from having time alone with them which is something she has admitted she doesn't like them doing. The kids are desperate for one on one time with their dad and never get it. She even insists on accompanying them home (in 2 cars) after mid week contact. Apparently she likes to say goodbye to them

Is it so wrong of me to find this situation unacceptable and want to do something to change it? I can't talk to my stbexh as he is abusive (to the point I did have a restraining order against him at one point) and he'd tell me to fuck off and mind my own business. I hate seeing my kids so unhappy but don't know what I can do. It's got to the point my eldest wants him to leave the gf because there are so many issues. All those kids in a 3 bed house for a start Social services have been involved in the past and weren't interested. The kids won't talk to their dad as he tells the gf everything and they are really worried about upsetting either dad or the gf. I feel so helpless to make things better for them. (Contact is court ordered btw.)

Any advice or experience welcome.

Pretty I used to hate her but over the years I've come to feel sorry for her so no, it's not a case of me not being able to stand her. My concern here isn't her, it's my kids.

She buys ill fitting clothes for them and sends them out scruffy Pretty. She sounds like a peach (!)

It does sound malicious why dosnt she like the kids having one to one with their father? She sounds very controlling and your ex sounds gutless

No the DAD sends the kids out in ill fitting clothes, At least she buys them!

So funny how you deem the Dad to have no responsibility here in regards to his own childrens clothes.
The wicked stepmum is always done on here, Its boring now.

Pretty are you actually reading what I write? The GF puts the kids' clothes out for them to wear. She chooses what they are wearing each day and puts the clothes out on their bed for them to put on. Dad has nothing to do with it from what I can gather.
Admittedly I only have my kids' version of things but they are genuinely upset by all these things and I feel powerless to do anything as just get told to mind my own business about what happens there.

So why cant he do that? Why does the step mum get the blame, He is their father?

OTOH I'm the one who goes shopping with my DSC for clothes as I enjoy it and DH doesn't. Their stuff is predominantly from Primark as they are only with us a third of the time, so the clothes get minimal wear before they're grown out of.

My eldest DD (half sibling) does get more spent on her clothes but she's 10 years younger, so there's no real comparison.

From the OP

don't think she should have to be buying them clothes and shoes at all as is up to their dad but this is the way they seem to do things

Also you arent powerless.
Send your kids with their own clothes if they dont like the ones they are given and a hair brush, They are old enough to be able to put their clothes back in the bag to come home to you if they stay overnight. I dont see why you are making a big fuss. Especially with it so directed at the step mum who you say yourself shows interest in them, pays for activities for them, buys them clothes.
Its HIM that sounds like the useless one here!

But were they ill fitting clothes when they were bought? And by your own admission they would not be bought ripped/stained, maybe she's not buying as nice clothes because your children deon't look after them? Or maybe she can't affords as nicer clothes as her children get but because your ex is an idiot she makes a small effort to try to bridge his parenting gap? Perhaps it's not that she wants to stop alone time and she just cares enough to want to be a part of their lives. Maybe she's trying her hardest with your children but they are rebelling against her for (maybe understandable) reasons so their view of things is not exactly how things are?

Or

Maybe she's a complete bitch. She doesn't want the children having alone time with their dad because she's insecure about being left out. Maybe she does prefer her children (although that's not exactly the biggest crime) and clothes spending is just one area she can make that clear. Maybe she's not that nice to them and they've got a genuine reason not to like her.

My point is that before you start an argument in an already volatile parenting situation, you should consider that there may be several versions of the truth. Your view (and probably the children's) will be clouded by your previous dislike for her. Fight when needed, certainly it's your job to raise an issue that affect welfare, and if the feelings of your kids aren't being taken into account at all, then that is not ok. But, none of these things immediately seem to be particularly big crimes.

Greentulips I was replying to radiogagoo again about the clothes

Is it possible she is protecting the kids from their abusive father?

So op just saw how many bloody typos/mistakes there are in my post! Point still stands though.

If he was abusive to you, have you considered he might be abusive to her? Maybe it's not her insisting on the cars, it who decides how much money she can spend on your DCs clothes, but he keeps control by painting her as the bad guy. Maybe she does it to keep the peace with him. Maybe he's said but to buy DC anything to spite you (from what you've said he seems nasty enough) and she scrapes together whatever she can so they have something. After all isn't it your DC getting them dirty and torn if she buys new? Even if they are cheaper. Odd how you're focussing on her in this scenario. The dropping them off seems sweet if a little misguided. She is in a situation you are thankful to escape and she has 6-8 kids to consider in it all. A little empathy might go a long way. If your ex does nothing to help with parenting maybe she does begrudge the extra work required from her, and rather than appreciate she had tried to evade with them, you put her down. Much like he did to you and probably does to her.

🙄 typos but hopefully you get the gist

I also buy my step daughters clothes as I generally buy all the kids clothes. My step daughters clothes are defo cheaper then my own kids clothes.
They hardly get any wear before there outgrown yet my kids wear them all the time so I buy them better quality.

Also if she’s not buying them stained/ripped or with holes in like you say how is that happening ? How are your kids putting holes in there clothes ... maybe they need to be more carful

You also said he was abusive to you... who’s to say he’s not abusive to her ? And she’s trying her best!

At risk of sounding terribly sexist, it is stereotypically the norm for the woman to do the clothes shopping. I don’t know your exh, maybe he is an every day Gok Wan or maybe he is like a lot of blokes and just hates clothes shopping/doesn’t really have a clue what he’s doing. She offers to get your DC clothes because she’s out buying her own DC clothes, idk it’s just me surmising. I also wouldn’t get as expensive clothes for NR children as they obviously wouldn’t wear them very much before outgrowing. Likewise, I don’t know how old your DC are but if they are kicking up a storm about their clothing I suspect 6+ so they are old enough really to not be ruining them... not sure why she doesn’t know their sizes, mind. That is probably her only real crime with the clothes.

The drop off’s are a bit weird. She can easily say goodbye at the door before your exh gets them in the car. It sounds insecure and controlling on her part. My exh’s OH is similar, she insists he calls her before and after he leaves the house so she knows he hasn’t been around for too long . I have also caught him taking a selfie outside the house I presume to send to her before now... it’s controlling beyond all measures.

I really don't know what goes on in that house. The kids say that it's her house, her rules, daddy looks so sad all the time, he never smiles, daddy is always in bed or doing whatever jobs GF has told him to do. He's only relaxed when she's at work. They share clothes with the GF's kids to some extent. I'm not sure how many things are actually just their's. Clothes here occasionally get holes or stains, that's kids for you, but not to the extent the ones there are.
I'll probably never know the full story but I just wish I knew how to make things better for them. I've never met the GF, in fact we randomly ended up at the same tourist place one day and she literally ran off as I approached so I didn't have chance to say hello. He wasn't there. My ex and I don't communicate because he's abusive in communication so I've had to block him on all forms. He denies anything is a problem and says the kids are perfectly happy when there yet they come home and are upset over so many things. I'm just hoping that as they get older they will be more confident in telling their dad how they feel. I suspect they will vote with their feet though.

"My exh’s OH is similar, she insists he calls her before and after he leaves the house so she knows he hasn’t been around for too long hmm. I have also caught him taking a selfie outside the house I presume to send to her before now... it’s controlling beyond all measures." Sorry this made me laugh, She sounds bonkers 😂

Pinkvoid that cracked me up! If he comes alone to collect the children he is always on his phone texting just before he collects, or if it's drop off then straight after like he's checking in with her.
I do wonder if she's insecure. After all he did cheat on me with her. Maybe she doesn't trust him. I really do feel sorry for her.

My children came home last night after a weekend at their dad's. They'd been out for a family birthday meal to a restaurant. My youngest was wearing these. I was gobsmacked. The eldest had holes in her tights which to be fair she didn't realise at the time. Youngest knew about the holes in the leggings. I am in no way blaming the ex's gf here but their dad. These will be going in the bin. There's no excuse for it.

I suspect they are making a point that you should be sending with clothes be a use you get CM (assuming) to buy clothes and they shouldn't have to spend more on them.

Frankly I don't understand why you don't. At 10 and 11 your kids are old enough to learn to make sure they bring home all the clothes they took. At the moment they are the one paying for that battle between your ex/gf and you over clothes. Very sad.

We have had the arrangement in place for years that he buys clothes for them whilst there. Whenever I've tried to send clothes for them I've been told by him they don't need them. Pretty sure I explained that already. Originally I sent clothes with them but he collects from school not the house so they can't take a small suitcase to school with them. It's over a mile away and we walk. He refuses to collect anything from the house. Anything that goes to his gets lost or damaged which is why the arrangement was put in place years ago.

Take photos.. Keep a diary of events.... Attempt to get the contact order changed... If they won't change it... Stop them going and then when you are taken to court for breach, present your failed application and your photos and diary as evidence of your defence...... If this man is so volatile that you are scared to discuss parenting with him, in case of repercussions I can't imagine a judge upholding or increasing the contact