Adult survivor of sexual abuse

[iwanttobeatree1234]

I was sexually abused from the age of 4 to 13. The person who abused me was my dad and it only stopped when he was sent to prison.
I am now in my early 30's but at times still feel like a child as I have really graphic flashbacks and really graphic night terrors most nights which makes me feel like I am that scared child again.
I had a year of therapy which did help me in lots of ways but I still think about the abuse every single day and it holds me back from doing so much. I have never had an adult sexual relationship, (nor do I want one) I have severe depression and anxiety and I am beating myself up daily for not moving on.
AIBU to want to just forget what happened, or at least try to lie to myself and say it didn't happen or should I feel like I feel forever? I didn't say no.

I don't have personal experience but (semi) professional - please see your gp for a referral into psychological therapies. Services unfortunately do vary across the country but it's definitely worth exploring if /when you feel like you may have the strength.

There are trauma therapies which would perhaps help you.

I have a similar background to you. I had 2 years of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the NHS and am now waiting for specialist trauma input from the Maudsley again on the NHS. Help is out there. Please ask your GP to refer you to your local CMHT. You can access specialist psychological services through them.

I would suggest going back into therapy OP. I experienced emotional abuse as a child and was in therapy for several years. I would say I only really started moving forward after 2-3 years, there was so much pain to process first.

I'm so sorry about what you experienced. I think about my family every day too

It might also be worth checking if you have any charities near you that provide counselling for victims / survivors of sexual abuse - a women's centre if you have one, possibility Rape Crisis - charities have different names. There are various good ones where I live, specialising in trauma issues.

napac.org.uk/
Great support here, and a listening ear, from those who have been through it themselves. Maudsley is very good indeed.

Firstly, I'm so very sorry this happened to you

I think it's completely normal and understandable to want to pretend that something so truamatic never happened but unfortunately the more you try to repress painful memories, the more they tend to manifest in things like low mood, anxiety or anger. The right sort of therapy, and perhaps more importantly, the right therapist could help you to cope with your trauma symptoms and feel more able to move forward with your life. Have you heard of EMDR? There is a growing amount of very promising evidence for it's use in treating PTSD and one of the main benefits for many clients is that it doesn't necessarily require them to talk about their traumatic in detail.

Their traumatic experiences in detail, sorry.

OP I am currently undergoing therapy from Rape Crisis for my experiences of child abuse and I can highly recommend them. I think specialist therapy services are a must because child abuse at the hands of a family member brings up such specific issues. Also that really, really broken part of you needs very specific work. There is a lost soul of a child inside your heart that really needs to be minded and nurtured and reassured that they are now safe. You, the rational, adult version of you that gets you through every day, cooks for you, minds you can do that.

I believe that you can aspire to getting over this and having a “normal” life. That it won’t dominate your thoughts as it goes now. It is really about overcoming and healing from the trauma from within.

For me I have found a whole part of my personality I never knew existed which I have been able to harness to get the over the worst of my situation. I am not there yet but I am making progress. I consider it an investment in myself.

Take really good care of yourself I wish you the absolute best.

You may feel like a scared child, but you should also feel incredibly proud of the part you played in sending him to prison.

So sorry this happened to you.

Thank you to all of you for your support and kind comments I really appreciate it

You didn't have to say no because children cannot give consent.
(And you don't have to say no as an adult either. The other party is supposed to get your consent.)

It sounds like you have PTSD. Its very common for that to happen after you escape a dangerous situation and gain a place or time of safety. As you relax and let your guard down, your mind decides its time to process what happened.
If you dont want to go over it all again but can't move on, can I suggest you go for cognitive behaviour therapy? It looks more to the future than the past.

EMDR is great for trauma.

emdrassociation.org.uk/what-is-emdr/background-and-basics/

Good luck x

you spent what were almost certainly your ten most formative years being treated in an inhumane way by somebody who was meant to be on your side. Stop beating yourself for not "moving on" yet from something so hideously all-consuming. Yep - as upstartcrow says, you have PTSD, and CBT can def help as it's sort of independent of the abuse, so easier to get into place as part of your mental defence. Seeing my (not-abusive) grandmother in a casket made me realise how (my abusive mother) small these bastards really are. Once you stop blaming yourself for what others have done to you, it does start to lift. Also, tell people who you think might listen eg friends/relatives. I never spoke, assuming they'd think I was mad. As son as I started saying that my relative wasn't er perfect, it was surprising how many said "well that makes sense - we never liked her". Just wishing you the very very best OP - I've wasted years beating myself up whilst the aggressor hasn't suffered a minute's lost sleep - living your life as well/happily as you can is genuinely the best thing. (Just one thing - when you are having the flashback dreams - can you try and change them? I'm not sure to what extent they change due to therapy etc, but I have found possibly due to Prozac and the more extended/coherent dreams that I can start changing the scenario eg going "this is a dream" - lashing out/telling her what I think - bit of a chicken and egg situation.) Sorry - bit of a ramble - just flowers

flower fail [smile}

rofl

sorry - rofl seems terribly inappropriate

Mrwalkensir why would you rofl?

Sorry re read what you wrote please ignore my last comment. Thank you for your reply