Do they want to know?

[missbonita]

Genuine question here, I don't know what to do.

Close friend staying for a few days. Love her so much, she's kind, generous, loving, incredibly intelligent and well read.

She is overweight and has been as long as I've known her (20years) also has financial difficulties. Neither of these are any concern to me and we have a lot of fun when she stays.

But..... she often makes comments among the lines of 'I don't know why I can't lose weight, I eat so much less than you' and similar with money. There are lots of reasons that I can see that, if she was for example my DD I would tell her, but maybe she is just bowing off steam and doesn't want my 'advice'. Is it patronising? Is it rude? I get a bit muddled with this sort of thing. Is it helping or being a self righteous knobhead?

I would want to be told but I did not grow up in this country and childhood culture is very forthright!

Is she actually asking for advice? Or if she just making a statement that she doesn't think it's fair she is overweight.

Why do you think she is overweight?

mighty well, it’s pretty obvious if someone is overweight isn’t it?

I think Mighty probably meant the reasons.

I am so tired

Sorry.

If she says it like “how do you stay slim? I am really struggling with my weight and don’t understand why” then offer her some advice. If she is just venting about her weight, aside from asking her how much exercise she does etc (in a tone that sounds helpful, not judgemental) then leave it.

I would treasure her for the fact she's a good friend and you enjoy her company.

Unless she specifically asks for weight loss/financial advice, don't go there. There are plenty of independent resources available to her should she wish to reduce her weight and/or sort out her money troubles.

Don't potentially ruin a great friendship.

I've learnt this the hard way! In general, it's best to assume people don't want advice unless they ask you very directly. "I don't know why plants keep dying on me" is a general moan, usually, whereas "can you have a look at this plant and tell me what's wrong with it" is seeking advice.

If you think "I don't know why I can't lose weight ..." might be a question not a moan, you can come at it from a different angle and say "I know, I have trouble keeping weight off too. If I have a biscuit mid afternoon, I suddenly find I've put inches on my waist" (you don't necessarily have to be truthful - it doesn't matter if you've never been tempted to stuff biscuits or never had any problem). But it's probably safer not to say anything. If they really do want your advice, they'll repeat the question in a more definite form.

Tbh I'd get annoyed by the comparisons, I mean the "I eat so much less than you" etc. I'd probably say something...not in an obvious giving advice way, as I don't think she is asking for it, but I'd say the way that I do things. It might not be how she thinks. For instance she might think you spend loads all the time when actually you save and budget and treat yourself occasionally, and same kind of thing with food and exercise.

Umbongo it could have been either to be fair

Yes you're all correct, it is a general moan but sometimes in my direction which is what pricks my ears up. If she said 'I hate being overweight' I'd make a positive comment about her being exceptionally beautiful and having the best skin I've ever seen, but she says 'I eat less than you' al the time and the thing is that she eats different things. Ie I drink approx 6 cups of tea a day and she drinks 2/3 smoothies and 2/3 lattes but doesn't see this as 'food' if you see what I mean. These are a lot ore expensive too! That is just 1 example - lots of little things like that.

I am not saying anything unless directly asked thou. I have no issue with her diet/food/finances but love her company and am not going there!

Thanks

She knows why she's overweight, she does not (in all likelihood) eat the same as you. She's embarrassed that she overeats or binges or eats high calorie junk food too regularly or too many cakes or bottles of wine a night or relies on takeaways. So she covers it up.

It's a standard thing to say when you cannot admit to others why you are overweight. And why should you have to bare your soul really? She is probably feeling full of shame (she shouldn't but society has conditioned us this way) and probably thinks you think the same (you don't) I bet you she knows more about food, nutrition, calories and exercise than you do. She wants you to know it's not her fault and in some ways it isn't.

What she might need help with is getting to the root of why she can't change her behaviour. But you're not qualified for that (unless you work in this field)

I'm not blaming her here, being overweight, wanting to be slim and being unable to do so is very hard mentally. I don't think she wants your advice, empathy probably yes.

Disclaimer : lots of overweight people don't care/a aren't ashamed or embarrassed. These people quite happily say they love to eat/drink too much wine but that life is too short so whatever.

Hardly anyone who.is overweight is clueless about why.

She should not be ashamed - she is an awesome woman who left an abusive man, worked to achieve career success whilst bringing up 2 daughters, one ASD. She is an inspiration and has nothing to be ashamed of. She sees her food as 'healthy' because she doesn't eat any 'processed junk' at all but I think its a lack of understanding around portion size and calories. Eg she'll eat huge portions of home-made granola, greek yog and fruit compote or eat 6 home made buckwheat pancakes rather than 2. She glows with health and energy but is constantly being unkind and pulling at her legs and body. She is a totally different body type to me and it is not good to compare ourselves anyway - I just want to have a nice time and not feel I am making her feel sad :(

I said EXACTLY that she should NOT be ashamed.

I was agreeing with you.

Jeez am I super touchy tonight! Sorry.

Look you know your friend better than I but just because she tells you she doesn't eat processed shit or 'badly' doesn't mean she doesn't. Just like a problem drinker has 'only had the one' or a relapsed smoker has 'definitely not been smoking' Unless you're with her 24/7 you don't know.

She sounds like she's got a brain in her head so if she has for even a moment wondered why she's overweight and typed it into google there's a lot of info out there.

'Hidden sugars in your food and why it's making you fat'

'Beware those daily lattes, an extra 200 calories a day could mean a gain of X amount a year'

Etc.

Why not just say to her next time 'you're a lovely person, everyone is different, if it's really bothering you why not see your GP for help'

I am not sure if anyone will see this but it all worked out.

I went to bed early on the last night she was staying because I kept falling asleep on the sofa. DH stayed up and she once again commented on how much I eat etc. DH was a bit pissed and was very frank, not rude or unkind but when she said "oh how does Bonita eat so much and stay thin" he said "she doesn't eat that much if you watch her, and it's all vegetables and protein. Watch her, she doesn't eat any potatoes, it's annoying I know"

And the next day she sat me down and had a serious conversation and it was very nice and helped both of us.

Thanks for all your advice.