to think that dh should read to ds at bedtime after not seeing him all day?

[justamum]

DH leaves the house at 6.45 and often doesn't get back until 7pm so he barely gets to see the children. When he gets home they are usually bathed and ready for bed so all I want him to do in that last half hour before bed is spend a little time with them. He does usually give dd her bottle but this is a fairly passive excercise as she is 13mnths and quite capable of doing that for herself, but I do feel that he ought to show a bit more enthusiasm for spending 10-15 minutes of quality time with ds. I know dh is tired but ds goes to bed really well after a couple of short stories and he does love it so much that it is rewarding to make the effort.
I just don't get why you would not want to make that effort for your children when you only see them for such a short amount of time. He also has the gall to be upset when ds says he doesn't want daddy to take him to bed when I know this is because he has refused to read on past occasions. I am quite hurt on ds's behalf over this.
Am I being unreasonable?

justamum alluded to this being about something else. what do you think it's really about. I'm in a somewhat similar situation (lack of enthusiasm on part of dh, not the diabetes) so wondering...

I would slso be hurt on your ds's behalf,he is being really selfish.
My dh does everything for ds when he gets home.
Ask him how much of a relationship he wants with his son,becasue he's not going about it the right way if he does want to be close to him.

and dh does a long day4ish to 5:30

I#ve known countless men and a few women who while away time at work and make sure they don't get home until after the children are in bed actually because they want to avoid stressful hard work bed times (although by no means all men) and then they tell their wives they had to work late.

Here it is probably more exhaustion because he won't put his diet, long term health and therfore family above his other issues which are stopping him eating a proper diabetic diet.

xenai
water shoes

I've done it myself. I think most parents don't want to do it every day although I was reading about a couple who live in a country house with their nanny and they commute to their business in London for 3 nights a week - 3 child free adult nights with your spouse might be good and then you can entirely concentrate on work for those days and nights and more family when you work from home on the other days. Difficult to get the right balance. My brother leaves work on time as much as he can to help put his children to bed.

I do think often it's a health and diet things. Some of these men need to be on rice and veg/meat diets and sent out to jog every day and off the booze and then tehy won't be falling asleep in front of the TV every night.

Most parents don't want to what every day? Read lo a story? What makes you think that, Xenia?

My DP reads story to ds1 and ds2 every night. Is a special time for them. About right now actually, hence being on MN!

ew, don't want to avoid bed time every day whether they work or don't, I meant. Even those fathers who skive at the office, malingering a bit in the day so at 6 they can say they're really busy and need to do another hour so they get home to a silent house at 8 and a lovely meal, even they usually don't want that every day unless they've packed the family off to live in the country and they only commute up at weekends.

xenia, you have a strange view of parenthood i have to say.

Just to set everyone straight, I am not a SAHM, I work 3 days a week and really don't see the relevance of that issue. Yes I see more of the kids than he does but doesn't that happen in many households?
The other issues that I alluded to concern the fact that ds was completly unplanned, and dh's initial response to my pregnancy was one of utter horror and he wanted me to have an abortion at first. He has since told me that he has never been more ashamed than of his reaction and that he thinks about it quite often. I've told him that his response was probably no different to millions of people (myself included to a degree)facing shock pregnancies, but seeing how different he is with dd who was a planned baby makes me wonder if it still plays on his mind.
On the diabetes front, we are both overweight and struggling with dieting so I know how hard it is. Its easy to think you would automatically change your eating habits when faced with something like diabetes but the old eat less, move more concept is harder to get your head round than you think. He comes from a family where food=love, we joke that at his parents house you can tell how much they like you by the amount they feed you. I'm trying to break the patterns for all of us but its not easy

Why don't you share it ? Take it in turns...I think it is a good idea to carve up childcare/domestic chores more or less 50/50 but then I think it is only fair to divide up the earning/working 50/50 too....Otherwise you get into exactly this sort of situation. I rest my case.

My dh works long hours and reads to ds everynight. He wants to spend the time with ds because he hardly ever gets to see him, plus he likes to think that he is sharing a passionate love of books with ds, so it is really bonding.

Don't know why SAHM issue matters (except that this is MN!), but I am one and I am always glad to hand my darling but handful of a son over to dh, who is equally glad to be able to see and cuddle his progeny after a long day in front of a computer.

If you could sell the bedtime thing as a father-son bonding thing would that help?

Why don't you work full time ?

I would be happy to share doing it Mozhe, I like doing it, I read to them all the time when I am at home. My point is more that DH only sees the DCs for a short period every day and if I were like that I would want every minute to count.

Perhaps if earning/reading stories were divided equally you would all be happy ?

Economics! The dcs are 3 and 13 months, the cost of fulltime childcare outweighs the benefits. Besides which, I didn't have children to hand them over to someone else for the majority of the time.

PS, this is my opinion and I don't have any issues with anybody doing whatever is right for them and their family

Mozhe are you for real? Do you think reading stories is all a SAHM does? Justamum isn't asking her DH to do 50% of the housework and childcare, and considering she works 3 days a week she probably does more than her share. She is asking him to read ONE of his children a bedtime story. Ten minutes a day. If all the work related to supporting, caring for and nurturing a family were equally divided I wouldn't mind betting that Justamum's DH would end up doing considerably more extra time than that.

Women should try not to resort to whining and nagging....the fair division of labour is all I am talking about. And why is it wrong handing over your children for 5 days a week and not 3...frankly it would be a meaningless difference to children as young as yours justamum...

The fair division of labour is exactly the point you have not addressed Mozhe. Assuming that labour refers to the unpaid work which is necessary (as Justamum points out) in order to keep the wage labour going. And do you really think that children see no difference between being cared for by a parent four days out of seven and being cared for by a parent two days out of seven. Because recent research has shown that even quite young babies can count.

What research ??!

Mozhe, it is precisely my attempts to not whinge and nag that led to me discussing this on mn instead of talking to dh about it and I am totally with Rosa on the issue of childcare. Countless studies prove that children do better in general when cared for predominantly by their parents where possible. Afterall not even the best childcare professional cares about their charges as much as their parents do.
This has f-all to do with division of labour, reading a couple of stories to a small child who loves books can hardly be described as hard labour. Its about taking the time to show ds that he is more important in his fathers eyes than watching the bloody Simpsons!

this research