to think that dh should read to ds at bedtime after not seeing him all day?

[justamum]

DH leaves the house at 6.45 and often doesn't get back until 7pm so he barely gets to see the children. When he gets home they are usually bathed and ready for bed so all I want him to do in that last half hour before bed is spend a little time with them. He does usually give dd her bottle but this is a fairly passive excercise as she is 13mnths and quite capable of doing that for herself, but I do feel that he ought to show a bit more enthusiasm for spending 10-15 minutes of quality time with ds. I know dh is tired but ds goes to bed really well after a couple of short stories and he does love it so much that it is rewarding to make the effort.
I just don't get why you would not want to make that effort for your children when you only see them for such a short amount of time. He also has the gall to be upset when ds says he doesn't want daddy to take him to bed when I know this is because he has refused to read on past occasions. I am quite hurt on ds's behalf over this.
Am I being unreasonable?

[justamum]

He has been out until after 8.30 for the past couple of days and I think tomorrow he will be happy to read as he has only seen the dcs for a few minutes each day.
Elasticwoman,as I said in an earlier post DH's Dad has been diabetic for years and is suffering all kinds of ill health. At 52 he is less healthy than my 71 year old dad (although my dad does have the constitution of a horse). So DH can see quite clearly the long term effects of this condition. Being overweight is something we are both battling with and to a great extent we have made each other worse in the past. I am starting to eat more sensibly than I was (I have recently come off ADs for PND)but he is still resisting my efforts. I'm not nagging him, this is a decision he has to make for himself and god knows it is hard!

[Elasticwoman]

Justamum, does your dh have all the information about complications of diabetes?

You cannot control his every mouthful, but you can control what food you yourself have in the house and cook. You can praise dh when he eats well, and emphasize your concern for his health in a positive way, while trying not to criticise when he falls from the straight & narrow! Well, perhaps just a Look would be enough to make him feel guilty! Let's face it, he's not going to turn into a perfectly healthy eater overnight.

Re the reading to ds: I would continue to let dh know that you expect it, without directly nagging or whingeing. Make it an underlying assumption. Eg, "would you like a cup of tea before or after ds's story, dear?"

Good luck, and I'd be interested to hear how you get on.

[yomellamoHelly]

I think it's sad your dh doesn't want to do it and long-term I feel he's the one who'll miss out. Storytime is a lovely part of the day and a reward for all the hard work you put in for the rest of the day. I think it's the perfect time to build on your bond with each other.

My dh gets in at 6:30 ish so arrives just in time for our 2 going to bed. Once or twice a week he'll then go straight out, but tbh he usually passes on the chance of putting the youngest (4.5 months) to bed. Ds1 gets 10 minutes downstairs with both of us and then gets to choose which one of us reads to him. Would that maybe work for you? (You don't mention how old he is.)

I do think you need to remind him that your son'll grow up barely knowing him if it continues. Reminds mem of my own childhood.

[Judy1234]

There are no easy answers. If anyone solved how to make sure we could over come the urge to eat what you want rather than what we should they'd make a fortune. Perhaps the NHS could do more preventative early stuff like have voluntary scheme where two diabetics are put in touch with each other by emaiul and email what they've eaten on a list to each each each day or week and once a week meet for a mutual weigh in. Certainly people take things in told them by doctors and outsiders more than their family.

[justamum]

Xenia, that is quite a distressing statistic. I don't know why but he seems to resist every attempt I make to change our diet. This morning he has taken the children out (good!) but come back with a steak and kidney pie for lunch, this would be ok to me if we hadn't already got a cooked meal planned for tonight. He got very defensive when I tried to discuss it with him. I am desperate to lose weight too so I can avoid the issues he is facing now, his dad has ben diabetic for years and was forced to take early retirement at the age of 50 due to diabetes related health problems so I am at a loss to know what to do without reverting to what DH and mozhe would undoubtedly refer to as whinging and nagging! (I would call it trying to discuss things but what do I know)

[foxybrown]

Justbeme, please, please don't feel you have to justify your entire life to these people.

We make the choices we do, and if some people can't understand that we make different choices to do what is right for us and our family in our own circumstances, then that really is down to them.

FWIW I think its not much to ask of your DP, being parents is a full-time responsibility even if one of you is not the one who does the parenting most of the time. Its not something you can really opt-out (unless you leg it to distant lands never to be seen again, of course).

[LittleMouseWithCLogsOn]

YABU

[Nightynight]

Fair division of responsibility might sum up the situation better than fair division of labour. And please dont start on about how responsible home duties are, because thats not my point.
It might be hard for him to come home and jump straight into routines that he doesn't feel responsible for, especially if these are not routines that he was familiar with as a child.
It is probably pie in the sky to hope that your dh could wangle fewer working hours, so that he could be a SAHD for even one day a week?

[Judy1234]

just, last post good. It's also tru some people treat those children they didn't want different from those they did - my ex husband included who although they certainly weren't my "fault" (his in my view) didn't want the twins.

As for changing eating habits, yes it's very hard. I suppose people need to take small steps, find what they enjoy which might be a walk or the garden/allotment not the gym or the stairs not the lift nad not buying foods and having them in the house that might tempt people. 10% of the NHS budget is now spent on diabetes or problems relating to it. I was amazed to read that on the BBC web site. It's mostly caused by obesity too.

[RosaLuxembourg]

Now can you kindly clarify, Mozhe exactly how you feel a fair division of labour is not happening in Justamum's household. Since she has eloquently addressed the 'whining and nagging' point herself.

[RosaLuxembourg]

this research

[justamum]

Mozhe, it is precisely my attempts to not whinge and nag that led to me discussing this on mn instead of talking to dh about it and I am totally with Rosa on the issue of childcare. Countless studies prove that children do better in general when cared for predominantly by their parents where possible. Afterall not even the best childcare professional cares about their charges as much as their parents do.
This has f-all to do with division of labour, reading a couple of stories to a small child who loves books can hardly be described as hard labour. Its about taking the time to show ds that he is more important in his fathers eyes than watching the bloody Simpsons!

[mozhe]

What research ??!

[RosaLuxembourg]

The fair division of labour is exactly the point you have not addressed Mozhe. Assuming that labour refers to the unpaid work which is necessary (as Justamum points out) in order to keep the wage labour going. And do you really think that children see no difference between being cared for by a parent four days out of seven and being cared for by a parent two days out of seven. Because recent research has shown that even quite young babies can count.

[mozhe]

Women should try not to resort to whining and nagging....the fair division of labour is all I am talking about. And why is it wrong handing over your children for 5 days a week and not 3...frankly it would be a meaningless difference to children as young as yours justamum...

[RosaLuxembourg]

Mozhe are you for real? Do you think reading stories is all a SAHM does? Justamum isn't asking her DH to do 50% of the housework and childcare, and considering she works 3 days a week she probably does more than her share. She is asking him to read ONE of his children a bedtime story. Ten minutes a day. If all the work related to supporting, caring for and nurturing a family were equally divided I wouldn't mind betting that Justamum's DH would end up doing considerably more extra time than that.

[justamum]

Economics! The dcs are 3 and 13 months, the cost of fulltime childcare outweighs the benefits. Besides which, I didn't have children to hand them over to someone else for the majority of the time.

PS, this is my opinion and I don't have any issues with anybody doing whatever is right for them and their family

[mozhe]

Perhaps if earning/reading stories were divided equally you would all be happy ?

[justamum]

I would be happy to share doing it Mozhe, I like doing it, I read to them all the time when I am at home. My point is more that DH only sees the DCs for a short period every day and if I were like that I would want every minute to count.

[mozhe]

Why don't you work full time ?

[Rantum]

My dh works long hours and reads to ds everynight. He wants to spend the time with ds because he hardly ever gets to see him, plus he likes to think that he is sharing a passionate love of books with ds, so it is really bonding.

Don't know why SAHM issue matters (except that this is MN!), but I am one and I am always glad to hand my darling but handful of a son over to dh, who is equally glad to be able to see and cuddle his progeny after a long day in front of a computer.

If you could sell the bedtime thing as a father-son bonding thing would that help?

[mozhe]

Why don't you share it ? Take it in turns...I think it is a good idea to carve up childcare/domestic chores more or less 50/50 but then I think it is only fair to divide up the earning/working 50/50 too....Otherwise you get into exactly this sort of situation. I rest my case.

[justamum]

Just to set everyone straight, I am not a SAHM, I work 3 days a week and really don't see the relevance of that issue. Yes I see more of the kids than he does but doesn't that happen in many households?
The other issues that I alluded to concern the fact that ds was completly unplanned, and dh's initial response to my pregnancy was one of utter horror and he wanted me to have an abortion at first. He has since told me that he has never been more ashamed than of his reaction and that he thinks about it quite often. I've told him that his response was probably no different to millions of people (myself included to a degree)facing shock pregnancies, but seeing how different he is with dd who was a planned baby makes me wonder if it still plays on his mind.
On the diabetes front, we are both overweight and struggling with dieting so I know how hard it is. Its easy to think you would automatically change your eating habits when faced with something like diabetes but the old eat less, move more concept is harder to get your head round than you think. He comes from a family where food=love, we joke that at his parents house you can tell how much they like you by the amount they feed you. I'm trying to break the patterns for all of us but its not easy

[lucyellensmum]

xenia, you have a strange view of parenthood i have to say.

[Judy1234]

ew, don't want to avoid bed time every day whether they work or don't, I meant. Even those fathers who skive at the office, malingering a bit in the day so at 6 they can say they're really busy and need to do another hour so they get home to a silent house at 8 and a lovely meal, even they usually don't want that every day unless they've packed the family off to live in the country and they only commute up at weekends.