Unreasonable?

[Mummytowooter]

My mum visits regularly from a different part of the country. We’re close now but had a difficult relationship for years until DD was born. It’s fair to say I have some unresolved issues but I love it when my mum visits and we get to see each other. She adores my daughter and they really enjoy spending time together. However....

I have really high standards and certain expectations about how people behave in our house. Some of the issues I have aren’t even really about my expectations but more about basic decency and respect for our home.

Examples would be:

1. not wearing shoes in the house-I’ve asked mum not to do this however she stopped for one day and now does it anyway

2. I walked in the bathroom to find mess everywhere-like shredded tissues. I asked her about it and she said she thought she’d cleaned it up. You couldn’t miss it

3. poo on the toilet seats (not my daughter). It happens every time mum visits. I’m too embarrassed to tell her so I have to clean it

4. fag ends everywhere! The puppy eats them (I swear I could cry). When she goes home she puts them in my bin (indoors) so the kitchen stinks

5. my mum is hard of hearing and won’t wear her hearing aid so it’s like she’s ignoring my daughter as she doesn’t answer her half the time

6. when she makes a drink there’s coffee and sugar al over the kitchen sides. I could clean it twenty times a day!!

7. she constantly talks about things in the past that I’ve moved on from from like 40 years ago! I wasn’t even born then and I know they matter to mum so I listen but it’s over and over and over again

When I write it it feels so petty but I want to enjoy the time we have together and not feel irritated or annoyed. I want to talk to her but I feel like a total bitch.

Need help not judgement! AIBU?

Bloody hell she sounds like hard work - I don't think your standards are unreasonably high based on that.

I think were it me and I genuinely valued her visits I'd struggle to mention any of that except No. 4. That is the only on that I cold confidently bring up repeatedly and refuse to accept. I'd just have to suck the rest up. But I'm crap at confrontation...

1. not wearing shoes in the house-I’ve asked mum not to do this however she stopped for one day and now does it anyway

She probably forgets if she doesn't do it in her own home, remind her!

2. I walked in the bathroom to find mess everywhere-like shredded tissues. I asked her about it and she said she thought she’d cleaned it up. You couldn’t miss it

Shredded tissue? why? lol

3. poo on the toilet seats (not my daughter). It happens every time mum visits. I’m too embarrassed to tell her so I have to clean it

Ew, that's gross

4. fag ends everywhere! The puppy eats them (I swear I could cry). When she goes home she puts them in my bin (indoors) so the kitchen stinks

Maybe you could get her a covered ashtray?

5. my mum is hard of hearing and won’t wear her hearing aid so it’s like she’s ignoring my daughter as she doesn’t answer her half the time

Meh, if she's hard of hearing, she's hard of hearing, just explain to your daughter she doesn't hear very well?

6. when she makes a drink there’s coffee and sugar al over the kitchen sides. I could clean it twenty times a day!!

Tell her to stop making a mess when she makes coffee

7. she constantly talks about things in the past that I’ve moved on from from like 40 years ago! I wasn’t even born then and I know they matter to mum so I listen but it’s over and over and over again

That's mothers for you!

#1, 5 and 7, YABU. The rest YANBU.

The reason I say about the shoes one, if she’s used to wearing her shoes indoors it can feel weird having them off all day and cold too! Get her some house slippers for when she visits and then remind her every time. She’ll soon see slippers are actually more comfy in the house! #5 and 7 are not really her fault and classic snnoying things grandparents do.

The other things range from inconsiderate to really gross! She must poo in a weird position or something but be brave and leave some disinfectant wipes and tell her they are there for if there’s any accidents on the toilet.

Good luck!

How does she get poo on a toilet seat ? Do you think shes possibly having trouble keeping herself clean , my husbands nan is in her very late 80s and is much the same apart from the poo thing and she doesnt smoke , tissues everywhere and the excuse is her eyesight is going or cant bend that far , she does have mild dementia so can remember the war with vivid clarity so we get told conversations she had and all sorts as though they were recent events but she wouldnt be able to tell you what time she got up that day or what she had for lunch , i try and just be extra patient with her but she also does do some things on purpose then blames it on her dementia

Really appreciate this! I know the things that annoy me might not be that bad and I need to hear that! I love my mum so much and I don’t want to upset her xx

My mum’s in her 60’s, still works and is fully able. I’m really not sure what she gets up to in the bathroom lol xx

2, 3 and 4 are unreasonable. You could definitely ask her to stop leaving the fag ends, but the poo thing might be more awkward.