To think I'm already not coping and things will be worse when baby comes?!

[Hotcrossscotcheggs]

I'm 33 weeks pregnant. I have a VERY lively 21 month old DS. I have been suffering with SPD and muscular stomach pains for the past 6 weeks which have made it difficult for me to chase DS around play groups and soft play etc. DS is going through quite a difficult hitting/nipping phase so when we do go somewhere I have to do some serious 'helicopter parenting' getting out and about it becoming almost impossible and he's only getting to do fun stuff when DH is off work on the weekends. I literally have tears in my eyes writing this because I know I'm being such a crap mum to him and he's losing out already because of the new baby and I feel like it will be even harder once baby comes. He has so much energy and he is just cooped up, my family are so supportive and try to help when they can but my aunt is dying and so we're all trying to rally round to care for her too.

I know I'm probably being dramatic but I feel like we can't carry on like this I feel so stuck I know IABU because I'm so lucky in many aspects but I'm feeling really down atm.
AIBU to ask if anyone has any good advice at all?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset, but I do think you are being hard on yourself

Is there a playgroup near you? It might help him burn off some energy, and there'll be other adults around to keep an eye on him.

I think the only advice is one day at a time. If that day is a good one enjoy it, if it's bad try again tomorrow.

Would you consider/is it financially viable to put your ds in childcare for a few hours? Nursery or a childminder with other children may be exactly what he needs if he's bouncing off the walls.

Hi I think some things will get easier as you won't have spd once baby is here for a start so maybe you can start getting out and about as the weather will be nicer and you could pop baby in pram or sling and take your boy out to the park etc.
When I had my dd now 22 months I also had dd1 who had just turned 4. So bit more of an age gap and she was at nursery a few hours a week but I did find it hard adjusting to 2. The first few months of dd2s life are a blur for me. But fast forward to now and it was all worth it. They are great companions for each other.
I think the hardest part will be your tiredness.
I just got to the point when I thought well this is what I've got so I have to just get on with it.
Would your 21 month old enjoy painting ?
My 22 month old loves it and has fun with stickers and things too. Yes it makes a mess but she definatly needs more creative things to do at this age so when dd1 is at school we spend some time doing things like that and looking at books.
With her it's that I just don't have the money to visit lots of soft plays etc and if I just leave her to play with toys at home she gets bored very easily

Do you have a garden? That would be great for letting off some steam while you sit with baby. Also reins for him so you can go for walks with the pram. I found soft play unmanageable with a baby and toddler that needs supervision so maybe best to leave that for weekends.

I found a wrap along invaluable with DC2 and managed to BF in it so I could still do some active stuff with DC1.

Sorry, wrap sling.

I second the idea of putting your DC1 into nursery for a few hours a week if it's a financial option?

Childcare vouchers from my DH work save us 40% on nursery fees ( just 2 mornings a week)

Having had a 17 month age gap my suggestion is pin down some support/ childcare in a standing arrangement if possible. Get it arranged now before the baby is born.

Ask one of your parents (for example) to come over every morning from 9 to 10 so you can get a shower or do whatever.

Or if they can't do every day then ask them to come for 2 hours 3 times a week or whatever it is.

Just some sort of definite plan (obviously they might have to reschedule sometimes especially with your aunt being ill) but a general fixed plan of when there will be someone else there so you can plan and get a break of sorts.

Mine are all teens now. If there's one thing I'd change about the time when they were babies/toddlers it's that I'd hire some help. I'd give up pretty much anything else to pay for that help.

I struggled through it on my own, and yes we managed, but it was hard work and I think the children would have been happier if they hadn't had a tired grumpy mum being pulled in all directions with no help.

You will have exactly the same gap I did, 23 months between ds1 and 2 (now 4 and 6). I had crippling spd, hg and was very depressed at points during my pregnancy. I was convinced I'd stolen part of my son's childhood, I was a terrible mother and terrified about how I'd cope once the baby arrived. But I actually felt so much better once he was here, spd cleared, less tired (!!), not sick, able to move around, and hand over the new baby to spend time with ds1 sometimes. You're doing a wonderful thing giving you first child a sibling. If they get a slightly reduced service for a months, they won't notice or remember and he'll get a fantastic new lifelong playmate and friend.

Also second the advice to get a sling, they're bloody brilliant for cracking on with life with number 2!

I found third trimester with a toddler and bad SPD much harder than newborn and toddler, if that helps!
My dd was a pincher and a runner, and I was terrified of what she'd do while I was breastfeeding - but in the event was surprisingly ok. Couldn't have done it without my amazing manduca sling (not a sales person, just went through a lot of models before finding one that worked for me), you can keep them in there like a baby kangaroo while you follow the toddler about, and learn to strategically time feeds for snack time / TV time, or when they have a bit more head control, even inside the sling.
If it takes some help, or your DS is watching a bit more TV than ideal right now, these things happen. If your family aren't able to help, could you afford a day of nursery or two half days of playgroup now or after the baby arrives? It can make a big difference to have a few moments to sit down. Also don't hesitate to tell DH, family, and friends what you need or want, once I finally opened up it was amazing how many people offered help, from dropping off a meal to taking DD out for a couple of hours on the weekend so I could actually say hi to DH 😊

I used a local authority crèche at a sports centre once or twice a week for my 2 yo son when I was pregnant and continued this for a while after baby was born. It was only £3 something per hour (up to 3 hrs at a time) and gave me a rest/time with baby whilst allowing my son to play safely and burn off energy. I’d often get him down for a snooze at home after which was brilliant.

I had a lot of pelvic pain with baby 2 - it is really hard going at the time but i’ve almost forgotten what it was like. You will get through it!!

Everything Tricia said ^^
I also gave 23m between my boys.

Honestly, life is so much easier with a newborn & a toddler, rather than a toddler and a bump. You will be able to play and cuddle and go out to the park just like before, you won't be in pain and you will have 1-2-1 time while the newborn sleeps.

And please try not to feel guilty - your DS isn't missing out, you are giving him the best gift you can imagine. My two adore each other (2and 4) and DS1 can't remember life without his little brother. Children are so much more resilient than we give them credit for.

All will be well

I'm only 17 weeks along and I'm already fed up with being pregnant and having a toddler- I feel your pain!

I found one trip to the physio (£40) fixed my spd last time. Give it a try!

Much love!

I could have written your post a couple of months ago .. i now have a newborn and an almost two year old and finding it so much easier than when i was pregnant!

Dont be too hard on yourself xx

I honestly do feel much more positive after reading some of your replies. Thankyou for all of the really helpful advice. The guilt i feel is huge at the moment I think d's will really struggle settling into being big brother! But I always worry and focus too much on the negatives.
We can't really afford a nursery place at the moment but I know my mum will be willing to help she's really good most of the time. I just need to pull myself together and muddle through the next few weeks.