AIBU to feel undervalued (or am I an ungrateful twat)??

[Thisisharderthaniexpected]

Ok, I’ll keep the back story short.

Me and my husband relocated overseas last Summer so that he could take a promotion. I was all for the relocation (it’s a really nice place to live) and it was great for his career. It also meant that I could leave my stressful, but successful, marketing career behind in favour of something more casual as financially we would be quite comfortable.

So here’s where the AIBU comes in. Since we’ve arrived, I’ve struggled to find work so I’m still unemployed. No major biggie except for my sanity, however I am filling my days with hikes and online studying and basically anything to keep myself from going insane.

I do all the cleaning, take husbands clothes to the dry cleaners, do all the washing / shopping / cooking. DH let’s me know if he needs anything picked up from the supermarket and I’ll pick it up for him. I even prepare his lunch for him for the following day.

I’m happy to do all of this, as I’m not working, he is, and quite frankly I have nothing else to do right now. I make his life as stress free as possible. However - I get nothing in return. Sure, I get thank yous for stuff but I feel like an in house maid.

He makes no suggestions about stuff to do in our free time - I constantly have to suggest stuff to do at weekends or else we’d just sit in the house all day. If I try to have a conversation with him, he’s looking at his phone and I have to ask him to pay me attention. He doesn’t even suggest something to watch on the TV ffs.

He contributes zero to the relationship yet when I asked him what he feels he contributes, he says 12 hours a day at work. He doesn’t quite grasp that it isn’t a contribution to our relationship, I’m just not getting enough from him..

Am AIBU to ask for more from him, or am I being ungrateful for expecting more when he’s working and I’m not? I’m just a little exhausted with bending over backwards when I get very little returned.

I should add that I do love him a lot, and I know he loves me. He’s just lazy and is taking me for granted.

I think it's understandable that you're getting frustrated and it's clear that your DH isn't going to be able to satisfy all your needs if you feel so bored and directionless without a job.

I think you need to find something more satisfying to do during the day for the sake of your sanity. Are there any volunteering opportunities near you which would keep you engaged and give you a chance to socialise during the day?

Did he not behave like this back at home? Seems odd if he's completely changed his behaviour just because of the move. Maybe you're just noticing more because you're reliant on him for interaction and missing the activities you did and friends back home?

Take some control and maybe find some activities to do during the week or weekend so that you start to develop some interests and friends?

It's a big change for both of you and perhaps he's finding it draining if you're waiting for him to come home and then demanding his attention. You're used to working and I assume other interests so you're feeling lonely and bored. I think these two things could change once you get yourself out and about.

Or, he's just a self centred knob and you've only just noticed....

I think there’s some degree of truth in me putting more emphasis on our relationship since we moved, as it’s been hard to meet people and I don’t have the life I did back in the UK (good job, busy social life, close family etc). I’m not demanding of him or his time at all though, which I think is why I’m feeling so pissed off at the minute. Ive really tried to keep myself busy and take up hobbies etc and am pretty low maintenance (I’m sure he would agree to this). Tried to talk to him about how I’m feeling and was told that he’s so busy with work at the minute that he doesn’t have time to think about anything else - I’m guessing that includes me!

And yes @Positive, he’s always been selfish but he had a crap upbringing where every one made excuses for him and let him have his own way (patents died when he was young), but he has a good heart so I’ve made excuses for him and been very patient over the years.

I think it sounds like you're unhappy and bored and blaming him.

I've known several couples who become expats only for the trailing spouse (either sex) to begrudge the change in lifestyle.

You say you're not thanked for the housework; do you thank him for providing financially?

Something I saw a lot is the change what people want from their partner when one person works and the other doesn't. The person who goes out to work will come home and enjoy silence and time to unwind. The person who's been at home will want the company. It's especially noticeable when the person at home used to work outside of the home.

Rather than complain he isn't making decisions about what to do in the free time, why don't you make some decisions. If he's poo-pooing your suggestions then it's entirely different.

Try joining clubs or groups. There are often ex-pat societies for people just like you.

We've been expats for nearly 25 years and have lived all over the world. Nothing you've said is unusual. It's happened to us - DH took extended paternity / worked from home with DC2 and I did similar with DC1 - and numerous friends.

Tell your husband how you feel but remember how you felt when you got home from your busy and stressful job.

No, that's not a normal relationship, but it sound like it's always been bad and the fact that you are not working has just made it obvious.

I'd start applying for jobs back home.

I don’t Think your feelings are unreasonable OP. Yes it’s a big move and he’s busy at work but that doesn't Mean he gets to opt out of your relationship. It should be a partnership, not just in terms of work/household tasks but also in terms of self-care and caring for each other.

No one wants a partner that would prefer to ignore them in favour of their phone all the time. You both need to be interested in each other. If not then what’s the point? He needs to pull his weight emotionally as well as financially.

I think the fact you moved for his job is making you feel that you have made a big sacrifice for him and it is totally unappreciated. When in fact you made the sacrifice for you both (though it hasn't quite turned out as you expected).
I would get a cleaner in for a start. Ime, often in well paid jobs abroad there is also available staff at not great cost. Don't be a martyr. What did you enjoy doing in the past, make time for it. Yes you can sit and read a book for an hour or whatever.Is the weather more conducive to outdoor activities. What is available where you are that wasn't available in the UK. Give that a try. Contact other expats if you can find some as they will understand what your issues are. Try to find some craft work or something although that doesn't remotely replace contact with other human beings but at least you have something to show for your time.
STick at it, things will improve. DH always collected his own shirts from the laundrette, and had enough shirts to only collect once a week so it wasn't a chore.

Unfortunately this is common when moving countries.
His life has not changed as dramatically. He has a job that presumably he finds stimulating, plus the satisfaction of knowing he S working towards something having had a promotion . He has a similar routine to before.
Your life has changed completely from having a busy job to not only having no structure but also in a completely different environment.
It's to hard for anyone who hasn't done it to understand how utterly depressing it is just being left to get on with it in a new country.

Of course in the surface it's all " ooh how lucky to have all that free time and disposable income in a nice new place "

I've been there and first posting was in exactly your position.

Don't have very useful advice except to say you are def not being unreasonable to feel like this.
There' s a living overseas section on mumsnet, maybe you can see if there are other mumsnetters in your new country?

@anti this is kind of where I’m wondering if I’m being ungrateful....I gave up a well paid, successful career in the uk to support his career move, because we both know that this could be a great move for him in the next couple of years. Sad but true, but he has a much greater earning potential than me purely by being a guy in his industry and of course that would be ideal when we start a family. Should I be super grateful for him supporting me when it wasn’t 100% my decision to come here, and I came to support him?

@alpha OTT much? 😉

YANBU. You are acting as unpaid support staff to enable his career, I don't see what you get out of the relationship any more.

DH used to work at home and I worked in a busy office.

When I got home I wanted to sit quietly and unwind as I'd been surrounded by noise and people all day.
DH was bored and lonely and wanted to do things with me.

I suspect (since OP has only noticed this behaviour since moving) that similar is happening here.

I think OP and DH need a frank conversation. Both of them need to understand the other's position and come to a compromise (in our case it was accept that there would be some days I really didn't want to interact with DH but it would be balanced out on other days).

I think what most of you are saying is probably true. Back in the UK I would have been shattered during the week, so would very rarely want to do much / interact, and I would catch up with friends a couple of evenings too. I think a lot of it is the feeling of not having my own life here or a social circle like I used to so maybe I’m focusing on stuff I never did previously.

Ignore the predictable 'LTB' comments. I swear some people have nothing to add to any real question. If you were posting as your husband, I bet that they'd call him a man-child who needs to be an adult and less dependent on you before sneerily asking "does he have any good qualities?"

You shouldn't be grateful to him any more than he should be to you. That word just seems to be completely inappropriate.

You gave up your career for what you said is a better quality of life for both of you. You mention starting a family and that this is a suitable change for supporting that. This move isn't something you were completely against and cajoled into accepting. It sounds like you both thought this was positive although one that involved bigger (or more numerous) changes for you. That isn't necessarily a bad thing or a situation where you're the loser.

In my experience the feelings you have are very common as are the misgivings about the move.

How long have you been away? It takes a long time to settle, make friends, find your way around. Some never do and return home after the first contract expires.

Some trailing spouses simply can't work in the new country in their old career. Market forces or visa or other legal issues stop it being possible or worthwhile. It's something lots of new expats don't consider in enough detail alongside knowing if the trailing person is happy with this.

I think you may have forgotten how he's probably stressed too. He'll be thinking about you and the new country, a new job where he's learning the ropes as well as trying to impress new colleagues. He's left his friends behind too, although he does get the adult contact at work and in my experience, it's easier to make work friends when working internationally as so many others are in the same boat.

I guess that I'm trying to say that I don't think there's unreasonableness on either side. It's just a change in your lives and that it puts a strain on any relationship. I've been in your and your husband's situation. I worried about my husband's sanity but at the same time didn't want to be their entertainment when I got home and wanted some peace and quiet. I've also resented him getting to go out to work and see people and keep some kind of routine whilst I go stir crazy.

As always, try talking honestly and seriously with him. Accept that your lives are different now and figure out what you both need to do for both of you to be happy. Balance that with making yourself happy. Join a facebook group and find other hikers, for a start.

You’ve majorly shifted the dynamic of your relationship, and you are now almost 100% dedicated to facilitating his life. This suits him so he will be blind to it, and you’ve justified it because its ‘practical’. I think it is where some couples get to during the first maternity leave - so it might be worth refinding the balance in your realtionship before you have kids. I am sorry the work side has not yet worked out for you. Can you talk to any uk companies or your old company about doing some freelancing online from overseas.

I do think that 12 hours a day at work counts as a contribution to the relationship. It shouldn t be the only one but it does count.

Starting a new job in a new country is a big deal and he is probably wiped out. Being told you think he is foin a bad job as a husband is probably quite a blow. I think there are more subtle ways you can get him to be less passive with deciding what to do. Like asking him directly. 'Id like to do something out of the house this weekend, would you plan that for us? Perhaps your colleagues have some ideas?'

Another idea might be to have agreed decompression time. When my husband changed a jobs he was alway home before me and a little bored so when is asked in he needed me to be ready to interact where as I needed to do nothing. We agreed half an hour decompression. After hellos he wouldn't try to engage me in any conversations for 30 mins. Just knowing that I had that space made me able to be much more engaged later.

I'm not saying you sound ungrateful. I bet it is really hard for you to go from a full life to a much more isolated one. It does sound like you are doing your best to fill it but I think you have made a rid for your own back by taking on looking after him (by this I mean tasks like making his lunch). If scale back on that a bit and find some things to do our of the house. Most places have some sort of women's group, book club or creative writting class. Or volunteer at a school. Boredom and isolation can be crushing and make you resent the person most available.

Do you think he is enjoying the move? Or is he also feeling like he gave up a lot? It is a big thing for both of you.

And are your joint finances making contributions to a pension for you (protect yourself).

You're probably seeing house chores as your 'job' to give you that feeling of accomplishment. But house work quickly becomes drudge, unless you're a homebird at heart.

You quickly have to figure out if you are happy being the support. If not, get a cleaner ( and that in itself is a thing to organise) and spend more time going to every single social event you can, even if they seem painfully stereotypically expatty. In the end it is all people in the same boat and you'll only find your 'type' by putting yourself out there as much as possible. From that will come contacts and word of mouth that may end up in getting a job of that is what you still want.

Can you do any voluntary work OP?

What's the ex-pat community like where you are? There will be someone you get along with, you need to find them.

Sounds like you need to find something a bit more fulfilling to do with your days.

Some of us work and do all the housework too and rarely get thanked!

Thanks for all the replies guys, they’ve really helped to put things in perspective. You’re totally right and I’m hoping that this is more about me finding little value in my life at the moment than our relationship.

I’ve really been putting myself out there and have met a good few other ex pats here, but most of them either work or have small children (I’m child free so it makes socialising a little tricky). I have a few nice people that I’ve met though.

I’m also job hunting like crazy!

It’s a very different culture here (not Middle East etc so I’m not treated any differently for being a woman), but it’s not the easy going UK that I’m used to - it’s also very spaced out and hot so you need to drive most places which was a big adjustment as I loved popping down to the local shop / pub! All the little things that I took for granted back in the UK and probably make me miss home.

Is it possible for you to go to and stay with family for a week or two. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If he misses you he might realise he needs to put more effort in.
New jobs do take a lot of settling in too. Can you book a weekend away for the two of you?
Is it a tourist place could you set up your own business offering guided tours? You could link back to UK or wherever you are from and make a package of accommodation, tours, guide to restaurants. Something like that might be quite exciting for you.

Does he really work a 12h day? That is quite a lot, I'd be pretty shattered after that and want to sit around and not do much apart from recoup my energy!
I think that there really is something in the whole disparity of your days - you're just waiting for him to come home to have interaction and someone to talk to, and he just wants to rest.

I know you're looking for work but you need to find some out-of-the-house stuff to do by yourself - take up hobbies, volunteer, anything to get you out and about and and talking to other adults.

My MIL told me that, when her boys were young and she was a SAHM, she'd be out the door and hanging off the gate the second she heard their father coming home, talking 16 to the dozen at him, because she'd had no one to talk to during the day. He used to get quite frustrated with her because of it!

Sounds like you're a similar sort of person, so you must get out of the house and find stuff to do.

"Those that have much, love little. Those that have little, love much."

He's busier than ever while you have nothing to do. Of COURSE you're going to feel needier.

This is completely natural! Your world has shrunk.

Fill your world. Do whatever it takes.