I don't currently have one. I know the best plan is to never need one in the first place, but after 10+yrs I never thought I'd need one.
We don't get on anymore. We don't like each other. We barely tolerate each other. 11m old baby. 2 goldfish. And nothing else but a mortgage and furniture.
I have no savings - after having to pay private for treatment through Spire after becoming sick after childbirth (NHS waiting list was 6 months minimum unless I became critical overnight).
I have minimal income at the moment as I'm still recovering, getting help for PTSD from labour and what happened after, so exhausted and trying to set up my business again at the same time. I am also generally the sole caregiver for our baby and do most of the housework, cooking and washing. I just try to get on with it all and keep my head down.
Tonight my partner kicked off again. He hasn't for about 6m and before then it was probably 6m before that again too. Prior to that it was a regular occurance every few weeks down to drink comesdowns, work stress and depression.
I think I just thought it was normal and I didn't deserve anything else. He's never laid a hand on me, but has smashed things up each time, expensive things that were things I had worked hard to pay for for years and he threatened me once in the past.
My whole sense of self collapsed when my Mum witnessed this and said I was over reacting, it was my fault, I shouldn't 'have a go at him' all the time. My husband had threatened to 'shut me up', holding his fist in my face, spit coming out with venom, while I was holding our screaming, wriggling basically newborn baby who was projectile vomiting all over me. I'd shouted for someone to help and get me a muslin because I was soaked and we had to leave for his vaccinations. He took this as a personal dig because of how I probably said it. I asked her for help later that evening and she said it was my own fault. My world fell apart that day and I guess I just went on to autopilot. I couldn't and still can't even turn to my own Mum. I'm too ashamed to go to my siblings. I grew up with my Dad acting the same, he once pulled my fingers so far back during an argument (I was 16 and wouldn't back down so he got physical) he damaged my hands for life. But my Mum chose to ignore that I'm now remembering. Which is why I think I put up with it for so long and maybe why my Mum thinks it's normal or acceptable maybe? I'm sobbing as I write this now.
I have no friends left in this city, or even country.
What do I do? What plan can I put together to get out or to get him out? He broke the highchair tonight by launching it across our small living room after I asked him why he'd stormed out the bedroom at 1.30am (the baby isnt sleeping well, but it's me that gets up)
I can't do this anymore, I can't be with him. I deserve better and so does our baby. Who do I call? What do I need in place? Where do I start? I am so tired I can't even think beyond just asking for help.