To find my parents completely exhausting

[Stripesandsquares]

Sort of AIBU, I'm really hoping for some advice from the wise people of Mumsnet.

To say my relationship with my parents has been difficult over the past few years is an understatement.

I've started to put my foot down over the past year and shit has well and truly hit the fan. It now feels like a constant power struggle and is just draining. Every minor thing is made into a huge deal if they disagree.

I'm an adult (although I feel like a rebellious teen) and a mother and I'm still being dictated to by my parents. If I disagree with anything, I'm met with silence, find myself stuttering, sweating, heart rate through the roof, having to think of rock solid excuses if I don't want to do something and being made to feel like the shittiest person for not doing as they ask.

It's my mums birthday tomorrow and although a significant birthday has been dumbed down to no big deal for months every time it has been mentioned. I was due to join them for lunch out with my siblings which was agreed prior to me being ill and I just can't face them on my own tomorrow, I spoke to my Dad at lunch and said I'm not sure I'll be coming tomorrow because I still feel unwell today but his reaction was strong to say the least.

DH is at work- when I'm with him it's all rosey, nothing is ever said. I'm pregnant and been in hospital unwell on and off over the past few days and really don't need this shit from them.

AIBU to think they should be a bit more understanding and stop all of the controlling behaviour? Or do I just give up the fight, accept it for it is for an easy life and do as I'm told?!

hi I feel similar

it didn't start until I was well into my thirties but when I realised for how long they had pulled my strings it was a bit of a turning point

unfortunately their response to me pulling away from them was to be even more controlling towards me which put more distance between us.

it's a hard muddle to be in. in my limited experience once you are attuned to their ways it is difficult to just ignore the behaviours.

be prepared for more ignoring, with-holding of affection or approval, ridiculing, sniping, flying monkeys, charm offensives and the like to bring you back into line

but look at things with the future in mind - they will soon have a grandchild, you may want some help or a night out so alienating them completely may be counterproductive.

they may be scared of growing old and also nervous about what level of involvement they will have with your kid so their behaviours may stem poor communication skills and a mindset of fear and insecurity rather than a desire to bully you

their behaviour is how they have learned to be, it may be annoying but reject them and you will just go on to find other people with the same behaviours as them, be it at work or in social groups so finding a way to deal with controllingpeople is a better solution than just avoiding

the best thing that seems to work is just to agree with them but then go and do your own thing anyway. try and be, Grey Rock, if you know what that is.

you have to learn to give yourself self-acceptance and self-approval.