How to deal with crazy mother

[firsttimemummy17]

Not sure this is the right category to post my rant but here it goes. I have a 5 month old DD and I'm originally from a foreign country but I've lived in the UK for the last 14 years. My mother lives abroad and we never had the best relationship really (she is very controlling and interfering), but we managed to keep in touch and I personally worked really hard to keep relations balanced. Now, ever since my DD was born she plays the expert in babies and tells me to do (online) all sorts of crazy things like feeding baby rice to a 3 week old, adding crushed biscuits to the bottle, giving her herbal tea, water ...all sorts. I keep telling her things are different now and babies thrive on milk only by 6 months. We have bery good pediatricians and midwives to advise us. She start arguing and I'm ignoring her. My DD has fallen at one point on the centiles but it's back on now and looks very healthy and it's very happy and active. However, every conversation we have she makes me feel like I'm the worst mother in the world, my DD is very undernourished due to the lack of baby rice, that she looks really good in pics but she thinks she is not well. I keep ignoring her even more and she went to the point of inviting over to her house some people she barely knows who have a baby DD a few weeks younger than my LO to 'interview' them about their feeding approach, both parents are doctors, not pediatricians though. She then writes to me a whole story about this baby that is 1 lb heavier than my LO, that she is rolling over like crazy and also 'crawling' at about 5 months. This baby is obviously on breast milk, also takes baby rice and baby soups since forever, is very well developed, happy and well nourished. And parents are both doctors. Basically to give me the last blow that I'm a terrible mother. How can a mother be so insensitive? I started crying just reading the messages. As a new mother I already carry a lot of guilt that I haven't managed to breastfeed my DD exclusively, coupled with anxieties that I assume every mother has about development (mind you my baby was able to sit up for a few mins unassisted before she turned 5 months).
I've had such a hard time feeding my baby, expressing milk at crazy hours in the day and night, breastfeeding, topping up with formula due to insufficient supply just so that my baby has the best nutrition and I'm being slagged off like I'm the worst of all is just heartbreaking. How would you deal with this? I told her off and planning to ignore her for a few months, it's making me sick.

You are doing all the right things and your mother is batshit. You know that. Can you block or filter emails or however she is communicating for a bit to give yourself a break from all the crazy nonsense?

You need to just stop. Seriously - this isn’t worth it. Mute her on your phone, ignore her messages and teach her that behaviour has consequences and hers is not ok. You don’t need this!

Stop responding to her messages. Every time she slags you off on the phone warm her that if she continues you will put the phone down. Then do it.

Sorry you have such a shit mum. Btw you are doing it right.

I think ignoring her is the way forward; the fact she lives abroad should make that easier! If she phones/Skypes, just put down the phone or walk away when she starts with the ‘advice’. And don’t read messages.

Agree with her and ignore her advice. Honour satisfied all round.

Out of curiosity, if you were In your home country, would you be doing it the way she suggests, or does your home country reflect the same paediatrics as the UK?

Stop telling her stuff. Then she has no ammunition. Just keep conversation bland and say everything is fine. She is never going to give you the support you need,

'I'm not doing that as it's not up to date advice. Dd is fine, by the way.'
Then move on to something else. Do it each and every time. She'll either get the message or if she doesn't it will be time to rethink your relationship, sadly.

I stopped telling her stuff, I tell her everything is ok, then she asks ..oh, are you giving your baby water/hearbal tea and I say..no. She then goes crazy. The feeding in my country of origin is very different and although things have changed I think people are still following the old approach. Baby rice is added to the bottle of milk pretty much from birth..shocking I know...anything goes, as long as the baby fattens.
I am planning not to respond for the next few months. My baby is very healthy looking thank god and very well nourished. But as a new monther you can't help but question everything you are doing, especially when your baby is compared to other babies...that's just so insensitive and cruel.

Whatever nonsense she spouts, just repeat like a broken record:

'in the UK, people more qualified than you or your friends, recommend milk only until 6 months'

Oh, and stop giving her information such as baby's weight. Just stick with the she's fine / doing well / is a lovely happy baby type stuff.

When my mum was a bit like this, the HV write very clearly in the back of the red book "milk only advised until x".

You are following current UK guidelines..,,tell your Mum that very clearly, tell her you won't discuss it any further, and if she helps banging in you will stop communicating with her.

"Seriously, mother, STOP" needs to be said.

I know..I've made the mistake of telling her baby's weight, it was all in the context of her gaining 2 lb in 4 weeks, however she twisted it to tell me that she is overall 'very' underweight. Anyway, I'll ignore her from now on and get on with my life..I'm just shocked that she went to the extent of doing 'research' and just slag me off and make me feel like my baby is totally undernourished and underdeveloped, all other babies are so much better. Just cruel

'in the UK, people more qualified than you or your friends, recommend milk only until 6 months'

^^ might be me but I'm actually reading that as "keep your 3rd world uneducated ideas to yourself" which may or may not be the intent.

Unless there is a drastic difference in infant mortality/life expectancy, the guidelines change every 5 minutes on feeding anyway, I'd do what I was comfortable with.

I told her the doctors here are not recommending anything but milk until 6 months. Milk is the best nutrition for the baby, even after weaning. She then invited the couple with the very well developed baby who are both doctors in my country, to just to prove that doctors do the same over there, so clearly the doctors here don't know what they are doing...clearly.

It's awful that she's being so critical of you. You really don't deserve it.

I don't think she's going to listen to you, though, so you're going to have to stop engaging with her on this. Whenever she starts talking about it tell her your daughter is doing really well and change the subject. Or tell her the subject isn't up for discussion. Or even hang up! Just refuse to engage, and keep reminding yourself that you're doing really well for your lovely little baby, and all is well no matter what your mother says.

She's always been critical of me (although I've achieved a lot in my life with very little support) but I'm shocked that she is still the controlling/interferring mother she's ever been, considering the distance and the fact that I'm married now and a mother myself...simply unbelievable...people never change for sure

The reason I haven't told her off earlier was that she is the only grandmother my LO has, my DH''s parent have passed and my dad passed when I was pregnant...but as my husband says no relationship is better than a bad relationship, I'm starting to think that's probably right

Start telling her you are giving her all this crap she suggests and in the next photo you send she'll look so healthy because of it.
Just keep doing what you are doing.