To be upset by no response to apology?

9 replies

puglife15 · 09/04/2018 23:18

DH and I had a bit of a row. Basically I ask for his help, he comes to help me, makes what I thought sounded like a patronising comment about the reason it wasn't working, I responded with an admittedly uncalled for sarcastic comment about him being the expert.

He then gets annoyed because the thing still won't work and eventually throws it on the ground in a rage.

Then the silent treatment starts. I say I think lack of communication is damaging, and I'd rather he tell me if he's pissed off instead of going silent. He says he's pissed off with me. I explained why I'd reacted badly and apologised. No reply. I'm not expecting him to accept my apology but he just says nothing. An hour later and still nothing. It wasn't a big row but I hate getting nothing back. Obviously IWBU to say something sarcastic but AIBU to be annoyed and upset by silence in this context? I'm someone who likes to talk things through and get them sorted rather than stew on them, but he's not.

OP posts:

Unsureteacher · 09/04/2018 23:22

YANBU to be pissed off at the silence but if he's anything like me then he might need some time to calm down before he can discuss it rationally and not emotionally. Give him some space but sort it before bed.

Original poster

puglife15 · 09/04/2018 23:27

You're probably right. I just don't know where to go from here, how much time is enough to give him, how do I know he's ready to discuss? I know it's not intentional, but it feels like a power play, probably because I'd only ever do that sort of thing if I was trying to manipulate someone! I hate spending ages in this horrible tense atmosphere. I grew up in a house where there was lots of shouting and arguments whereas in his there was never a raised voice and lots of passive aggression instead.

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 09/04/2018 23:36

I read somewhere years ago that when a man retreats to his cave (mataphorically speaking) the worst thing to do is to go in there after him. I've found that useful advice.

You've apologised so you've done what you can. I would wait it out, let him calm down and then talk it out when you're both in a good frame of mind and you can maybe agree a better way to handle it next time.

Bobbiepin · 09/04/2018 23:39

The silent treatment is a very passive aggressive move, it's obviously what he's observed as "normal" behaviour in an argument. How long have you been together? Is he usually like this after a fight or can you usually talk things through?

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2018 23:45

The best thing to do with a sulker is to leave them to sulk alone. Take yourself off to a different room with a cup of tea/glass of wine/book/magazine/phone etc. Sulking doesn't work without an audience.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 09/04/2018 23:48

If he is hurt by what you said then maybe he just needs a bit of time to cool down before he speaks...

Whatever you do, don't be tempted to respond to his silence by continuing the argument as it will just make things worse ....

Petitepamplemousse · 09/04/2018 23:51

Silent treatment is NOT retreating to his cave, that would be ‘OK, it’s oksy, can I just have a little space/time alone/whatever.’ His silent treartment is nasty and in my view, unacceptable in a partnership.

SandAndSea · 09/04/2018 23:53

Petite - In my experience, it can be. Not everyone is as skilled as we might like them to be in these situations, especially when strong feelings are involved.

Shizzlestix · 10/04/2018 00:42

Perhaps he isn’t skilled at coping, but boy, that IS passive aggressive, going silent. The silent treatment is controlling and he needs to snap out of it.

Flip