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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting married at a venue my friend used

44 replies

Tulip1011 · 09/04/2018 21:27

I’m getting married! Hooray! And now I’m suffering from massive overload trying to find a suitable venue that’s a good price. One of my favourite weddings was my old best friend from schools. My partner loves the venue and we went there earlier in our relationship for dinner. I haven’t seen my old friend for a year and barely hear from her but we’ve been friends for nearly 30 years. I wasn’t going to invite her as we are keeping numbers low. Is it awful if I use the same location as her wedding? I don’t know if I should tell her (might then need to invite her, and she would be forced to say it was fine even if she thought it wasn’t) or if not she might find out via Facebook and think it was pretty low of me to use her venue (and not tell her or invite her). Argh. What do you think?

OP posts:

CCSA · 10/04/2018 00:05

Harsh to email her and ask for venue advice then not actually invite her... that bit is offensive. Just booking it if you like it is fine - no one has exclusive rights to a venue

Talkingfrog · 10/04/2018 00:29

In those circumstances I would not worry. If you knew she was planning to get married there and decided to get married just before or just after it would be different, but as hers was a little while ago, no problem.

WE got married 5 years after my brother. A high number of the guests at both weddings were the same family members. I got brochures for 4 venues, and the one they used was one of them. My sister in law even looked at the brochure and price list with me (and was surprised how much the price had gone up!)

In the end we chose another venue (similar style in that they were both old houses, now used as hotels, and had lovely gardens) as it suited our needs slightly better. If we had chosen the same venue I don't think they would have worried.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 10/04/2018 01:55

I note the overwhelming number of comments saying they'd find it a compliment. Don't totally agree, but note them.

I note the comments saying no one owns a venue and do agree.

I think it comes down to where you live... If it's in or within spitting distance of a major city, then you are being a bit unoriginal... Find your own place and make it yours.

If you live in the arse-end of nowhere and have a v limited choice, then it's fine.

Either way, congrats and enjoy your day

citychick · 10/04/2018 02:49

Yes I would use the same venue, and I did. No problems at all.
And yes, I would extend an invitation to her.
It's a kind way to restart the friendship. If she says no, then you've done all you can do.
Congratulations ❤️

Copperbonnet · 10/04/2018 03:09

Friends of ours (who were at our wedding) used the same reception venue about 4 years later.

We took it as a huge compliment. We also had a brilliant time at the wedding as it was great fun being a guest and seeing things from the other side as it were.

ShiftyMcGifty · 10/04/2018 03:14

Hugely offensive to ask her about her wedding venue knowing you’re not going to be inviting her to your wedding.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/04/2018 03:20

The issue here is much less the wedding venue, and more the fact that you're not inviting her.

Olennna's email is ostensibly perfect - but you can't send that to her, if you're not inviting her!

Did you go to hers, or do you just know where she had it?

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/04/2018 03:24

My BF was looking at the same venue that her sister had a few years earlier.

I said to her that it would be much better to choose her own venue.

She ended up going with the venue we'd used only one year prior, and with some cross-over of guests. Should've kept my trap shut.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2018 03:32

IF you email her asking anything at all about wedding venues, she will assume an invitation, so if you are set on not inviting her then I wouldnt email.

But tbh I think you should invite her.

CuppaSarah · 10/04/2018 07:15

I'd love it of someone picked the same venue I did. It was a great deal and lovely food! I'd be gutted if I didn't get an invitation as I'd want to go to another wedding there.

Realistically there's only so many venues in each area, there will always be people using the same place. You can't be precious about it really.

happynapper99 · 10/04/2018 07:17

I've been married 14 years and in the next two months two friends are getting married at the same venue as me.

At the end of the day there are only so many venues to pick from. Don't worry about it or what anyone else will think.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 10/04/2018 07:20

There aren't many places local to where I live and lots of our friends have used the same hotel venue and tbh, it's never crossed my mind that 'oh they're copying x's wedding'. Go for it!

Brokenbiscuit · 10/04/2018 07:21

My old school friend got married in the same venue as me and DH. I was delighted to have an opportunity to go back there tbh, and didn't think there was anything weird about her choosing the same place. It was a great venue, which we loved - and I was glad that she loved it too.

emmyrose2000 · 10/04/2018 07:31

I can't help wondering just why you wouldn't invite her given you've been friends for 30 years and it's only been in the last year you haven't had much contact. Unless you'd fallen out, a year in the life of a long friendship isn't very much at all, especially not when it comes to who gets a wedding invite. I'd have thought having it at the same venue as her means it would be especially lovely to have her there

Obviously your choice though, but if you're not going to invite her then please do not email her as Olenna suggested, I think that would be BU. If her wedding was over 10 years ago then emailing her to ask if she'd recommend the venue would be a bit rubbing salt in the not-inviting-you wound as it's likely the management and staff would have changed since then

Agreed.

YWNBU to use the same venue
YWBU to contact her re her opinion on the venue and then not invite her. That'd just be plain rude and offensive.

pickingdaisies · 10/04/2018 07:32

Hi, Ex BF, I'm thinking of getting married at your venue and not inviting you, what do you think? OP, you just can't send that. But of course it's fine to use the venue, and you don't have to invite her. I'm just surprised that you wouldn't want to. By all means send the email if you ARE inviting her!

Bitchywaitress · 10/04/2018 07:44

I would be very flattered if someone wanted to use the venue I was married in, but very disappointed I wasn't able to go.

ReasonableLlama · 10/04/2018 09:06

If your friend indicated she wouldn't like it if you got married there what would you do? Would you find somewhere else for the sake of someone who isn't going to be invited to your wedding?

I know a few people who got married at the same place as I did (although I'm not close enough to get an invite). I would love it if someone got married at my venue and invited me. My wedding is the best wedding I've been too (obviously) but I wish I was a guest so I could relax and enjoy it rather than worrying everyone was ok.

I'd say just go for it and possibly check reviews of someone other than your friend.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 10/04/2018 09:15

My 2 best friends got married at the same venue. 2nd friend sort of 'asked permission' and 1st friend seemed absolutely fine about it. 2nd friend made the venue feel quite different, got married in a different part of the grounds and whole reception set up was different. It worked really well and a great time was had by all, twice!

OlennasWimple · 10/04/2018 21:09

Blimey, I missed the fact that you weren't planning to invite your oldest friend to your wedding... Why on earth not?!

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