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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do babies destroy relationships?

24 replies

moumoute · 09/04/2018 17:21

I love my baby! I hate my DH! I used to love my DH...ok I exaggerate, I don't hate him, but he seriously gets on my nerves and he can not stand me either. Lack of sleep? Will we go back to normal or is it broken forever?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 17:24

A baby is a total shock to the system and a relationship can suffer but you can ride it out does he help out with the baby ?

Hypermice · 09/04/2018 17:24

Having a baby is a bit like playing squash - if there are any inbuilt weaknesses it’ll exacerbate them.
It’s a huge adjustment to any relationship and tiredness is a bitch. Go easy on each other

Hotcrossscotcheggs · 09/04/2018 17:27

They don't in my opinion. You have to be willing to fall in and out of love with each other. They make things really bloody hard and you both have to be willing to put the effort in when it's a bad patch.

BertieBotts · 09/04/2018 17:29

No but they show up cracks which weren't necessarily obvious before. If there is anything serious like selfishness, control, abuse then these will tend to become unbearable.

Teachtolive · 09/04/2018 17:31

How old is your baby? I think if you're tired and there's lots of crying going on it can be hard to keep a level head. You naturally snap at each other. It can change as baby grows. You might have a DH that's useless with the baby but is a great dad to a toddler and then you fall in love with that bit of him again.

Anxiouschild · 09/04/2018 17:33

How old is your baby?
In my experience babies throw a hand grenade into a relationship. You basically aim for as strong a relationship as you can before it lands, do your best to hold on in there until the dust settles enough to view the damage, then set about fixing things. Mine are nearly 4yo and 22mo and I can just about see him through the debris! Thankfully no lasting damage done here, but we still both feel like the walking (and sleep deprived) wounded.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/04/2018 17:41

They change them, I think, and definitely show up cracks.

Do and I had never argued before the horrendous non-sleeping baby stage. We are stronger now, though, and my love for him is immeasurably deepened by seeing what a fantastic dad and partner he is in difficult circumstances.

DragonMummy1418 · 09/04/2018 18:02

Oh bless you! It definitely challenges it, a lot.
Things do get easier, I promise!
If he's a good man and you have only felt this way since baby came then I'd say try not to worry and that it will get easier.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 09/04/2018 18:28

In a strong relationship each partner appreciates the other and can spot when the other needs a break or a hand.

Osopolar · 09/04/2018 18:33

If you are still in the sleep deprived stage then I think it's pretty normal for your relationship to be struggling. DH and fought a lot at 3am. Things improved massively once DS slept :)

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/04/2018 18:35

The first two years after each dc was a struggle, to say the least. A few years on we're still together, and the rage has subsided, by and large. Its tough!

purplemunkey · 09/04/2018 18:38

It can be very hard on a relationship, and sleep deprivation can skew reality for a while.

Me and DH never argued in our decade long pre baby relationship, we argued A LOT in the first 6 months of our DC being born and again when I went back to work. Both were huge adjustments and we had to find our new normal each time, which took a while. We had a non sleeper too which made everything much more difficult.

I'm not going to lie, there were a few times I genuinely questioned whether our relationship would survive. I look back now and I think that was the sleep deprivation talking rather than us actually being on the verge of a break up. I remember speaking to other mum friends and it seems to be quite common.

DC is 3 now and we rarely argue and are happy as a couple again. Hang on in there

Blaablaablaa · 09/04/2018 18:42

It doesn't have to. The key is communication - make sure expectations are clearly outlined rather than resentment building .

Give each a break and don't get into competitive tiredness.

Make time for each other - it's fine ( and healthy ) to spend time together without the baby. The relationships that I've seen struggling post baby are those where (usually) the mum puts the baby at the centre of the universe at the detriment of other realtionships.

Bambamber · 09/04/2018 18:44

Persevere! Sleep deprivation can massively lower your tolerance levels, so something that wouldn't normally bother you can really get on your nerves. DD woke hourly for the first 9 months and I couldn't stand to be near my DH. Everything he did annoyed me. It didn't help that I EBF and felt really touched out, so I would physically recoil anytime he even tried to hug me.

She's now 12 months and things are improving already. Still not the same as they were pre pregnancy, But a lot better than a few months ago. So hang in there

Armi · 09/04/2018 18:46

DH and I always had a really good, friendly relationship. Shortly after DD was born, I recall hissing venomously at him, ‘EVERYTHING you do annoys me!!!!!!’

It passed. We’re friends again. It took about five years, but still...

Dancingleopard · 09/04/2018 18:48

Anxious is spot on!

Dh and I have laughed about this at weekend. We said if we cling on in there for another two years with out splitting up we are home and dry

SnookieSnooks · 09/04/2018 18:51

Yes, in my experience.

When my DC1 was born, that was literally the first time my DP had not been someone’s centre of attention and he couldn’t cope. Before DC1, DP and I lived together alone, so he was at the centre of my attention and before that, he lived with his mum and she idolised him.

He was also brought up by his DM to believe he was rather important and above doing menial tasks. Soooo...... he would always talk to me as if the DCs were entirely my responsibility eg “when we do.... how are you going to keep them quiet”. He also never ever change nappies when out of the house because as a man he couldn’t take a baby girl into the gents or even the disabled toilet .

I don’t know if your DH is anything like this but if he is, maybe this insight willl help.

The only way you can solve it OP, is by talking things through with him. He might even need some kind of reassurance. Can you arrange a date night? Try to work things out because it will be better for all of you if you can. Good luck!

Thetartofasgard · 09/04/2018 19:15

For me, having my first child showed me what love really is, and it shocked me to realise that I didn’t feel the same way about my (then) dh.

phoenix1973 · 09/04/2018 19:19

I think they contribute.

JustPutSomeGlitterOnIt · 09/04/2018 19:23

Anxious that is SUCH a good way of putting It!

Yes, I think they dig at cracks that were already already there.
But I do think they make you more tolerant of each other's faults.
Less likely to go OH FUCK THIS I'M OFF than if it were just the 2 of you.
And I like how you feel like a team.

A friend told me that if you make through the 1st year, you're fine.
Now on our 3rd, I didn't know she meant each.time

Tobebythesea · 09/04/2018 19:50

I agree a baby is a grenade in a relationship. The first 6 months nearly broke us as a couple. We talked about separation and divorce. We got through it - just. Still not the same now though.

RoughPatchMum · 09/04/2018 19:53

I name changed to this username to post about the rough patch DH and I were having about a month or so ago. We have one DS aged 2 and our relationship has definitely changed. I got some good advice on my thread and things have improved a lot. A lot more effort is needed to work on the relationship than pre-baby!

Cagliostro · 09/04/2018 20:07

I think if the relationship is strong to begin with, then no. I have found it a struggle to stay “in love” this time round (3rd baby after a big gap, things are just so much more stressful in our lives now for many reasons) and it’s been quite a shock, because in 15 years we have never had what I’d describe as a rough patch really. So it takes a lot more work, right when it’s harder to make time to work on it! But it’s just that - harder, not over.

I think one of the main things is probably whether both parties contribute (generalising, but mostly it seems to be in issue that the dad doesn’t help). If the dad isn’t accepting that life has changed, it must be a lot harder. I would really lose respect for DH if he wasn’t doing as much as he could when home and I think that would be the nail in the coffin.

I don’t think there’s any need to panic if things are bad though. Sleep deprivation and the pure shock of having to be completely responsible for this tiny person are enough to make anyone stressed, crazy and intolerant. Hang in there and work on it. 💐

user1493413286 · 09/04/2018 20:12

The sleep deprivation and trying to get the hang of it all meant I had no time to tho k about myself let alone DH but once I got the hang of things and started sleeping more it got better.
Becoming a parent has shown me some amazing traits in DH as well as some not so great ones, same for but that’s ok and I love being a family with him and our DD
I also feel quite confident that if we can make it through the baby stage it will feel easier as she gets older

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