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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable ?

11 replies

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 12:43

Mumsnet

Talk Parenting
Am I being unreasonable...2
Today 12:33 Wdm290

I have been a single parent to my child who is 5 this year since her father and I separated when she was 4 months old. As such he is totally absent from her life but she sees his family regularly, he just doesn’t bother. One of the issues we had was surrounding boundaries of parenting and being on the same page as to what was best for my daughter. When my daughter was about 2.5 we had one of them defining moments as a parent whereby I was out shopping with my daughter and she saw a giant peppa pig teddy she wanted. This teddy at the time cost over £50 and I couldn’t afford it ( her father incidentally doesn’t pay maintenance ). My daughter through an epic tantrum ( we’ve all been there) and I mean epic! I stood firm and after 40 minutes was able to leave the shop with her in some tact. I felt it was important I didn’t cave and buy her the teddy because of the tantrum and teaching her tantrums don’t get what you want. Later that evening I was speaking to her father, told him the days events and instead of agreeing with me he said he would buy the teddy, totally missing the point of what had been achieved that day. I wouldn’t let him undermine my parenting and give her the teddy I firmly believe discipline is an area where both parents need to be consistent. Shortly after he lost contact with my daughter and myself for various other reasons not related to this post. My daughter regularly sees her paternal grandparents and sleeps over. I am upset as today when I’ve collected her she has this giant peppa pig teddy which has been kept and given to her. I know it’s been some years since the tantrum / teddy event. But it’s the principle attached to it and the fact her grandparents knew the row we had at the time about him undermining my parenting and buying the teddy when as a single parent I can’t afford big treats all the time. His parents regularly undermine me but I often let it go, this feels different to me because of the background. Am I wrong to be upset. Honestly however harsh is appreciated. We have an agreement that they don’t introduce / discuss anything to do with her father as were trying to keep their relationship positive. And her father is able to sort his own contact if he wants to. They lied to my daughter and said the teddy was off them ( I understand why ) but I don’t agree with lying to her and don’t want part of it. Thanks

OP posts:

Jessturnerbabyblues · 09/04/2018 12:46

YANBU. Kids have to learn they cannot have everything they want.

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 12:49

YANBU

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 12:50

Thanks for replying. It’s more the principle that he was trying to totally undermine my parenting. I understand his parents are in a tough position possibly but I don’t feel it’s appropriate that they then give it to her , say it’s from them and this still achieves that he is undermining my parenting when he’s chosen to play no part / doesn’t provide etc. By the way I’m not a total monster she has lots of lovely things but this particular tantrum was beyond horrific and I felt I just had to see it through and now days she doesn’t have these tantrums.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 12:52

By the way I’m not a total monster she has lots of lovely things but this particular tantrum was beyond horrific and I felt I just had to see it through and now days she doesn’t have these tantrums

It was 2 years ago when she had the tantrum though, yeah? Maybe she doesn't even remember it though, she's really young and she would have learned her lesson in that tie anyway, so don't over think either! (but yeah i would be annoyed too)

Jessturnerbabyblues · 09/04/2018 12:53

@Wdm.

I'm a teacher and I hate it when parents try to undermine a decision I have made. While they are in my care what goes says. You are a single parent (bravo), the same should apply to you. Your rules.

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 12:55

She won’t remember anything about the tantrum or the day as it was years ago. It’s more the principle attached to it that they’ve given her something off her absent father , and the big drama it caused back then. I never lie to my daughter about her dad and don’t think they should be giving gifts off him and lying to her of their source.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 09/04/2018 13:01

They were probably just sick of a giant pug kicking about. They also weren't party to the whole argument, so I wouldn't be bothered personally (about this one incident)

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:03

😂I agree it’s annoyingly giant. Although it’s beinf left at their house. I think I’m just annoyed as there’s been a few things lately and the boundary issue. His mother ( her grandmother ) is extremely interfering always has been always will be I try and make peace with that. It’s the principle attached to it that’s upset me.

OP posts:

Thymeout · 09/04/2018 13:16

If they'd given it to her immediately after the tantrum, they would have been undermining you. But it's years ago, and they weren't involved in the original argument. If your dd's father isn't on the scene, I think they were right to pretend it was from them. It would have been confusing for your little girl to hear her father bought it for her. She might have thought that he was trying to get in touch with her.

So I think YABU on this issue and you're reliving the feelings you had which don't apply now. She learnt her lesson then, if she even remembers it. Oviously you have concerns about other things but I'd tread warily. It's good that she has a relationship with her gps after all this time.

Original poster

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:24

Thanks for your reply They were involved in the original argument, her grandmother always gets involved despite us having an agreement she doesn't. I think my issue is that they shouldn't be giving present that are really off her dad at all, and lying to her. It should simply be that he gives it himself ( sorts contact ) whatever else or she doesn't get things that are off him. They shouldn't be gatekeepers to contact in any shape in my opinion and that's what we had agreed and maybe why I'm feeling sensitively ( perhaps overly ) to it.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 09/04/2018 13:55

YABU
Over 2 years ago, she had a (normal, age related) tantrum, and you are somehow linking this with a pretty normal gift all this time later .
Absolutely, if they'd gone out and bought it that week, you'd have been undermined, but carrying this with you for 2 years is ludicrous.
Are you seriously suggesting that if a child ever has a tantrum over anything, then they can never have that thing ever, for the rest of their lives??

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