To move and not tell XH untill all in the bag?? He gonna be cross!!

[Twinkie1]

Right we live in SE9 - XH works in SE somewhere or other and so it is easy for him to pick DD up every other Friday from dance class when he has her for the weekend - but today joy of joys we had an offer accepted on a house in Kelvedon in Essex.

Now he will have to drive to Kelvedon (Near Colchester) from SE London and then drive back to where he lives in Thurrock - so we are actually moving to the same county as him rather than us being in Kent and him Essex - and he takes DD up to his mother and fathers shack of a holiday place every weekend he has her in the summer which is a lot further than Kelvedon!!

I just know he is going to go barmy as when the for sale sign went up he gave me a lecture about how far I could move - basically to SE London so it didn't inconvienince him and no further than 10 minutes driving time on top of what he does already!!

He can't stop me can he?? If it were inverness or sydney or florida I could understand he would have a problem and so would a judge but only up the A12 can't be that much of a problem - he will seek legal advice you see!!

No he can't stop you. All he can do is throw a petty toddler wobbler. Make sure you have a camcorder handy and pop it on YouTube for us all to watch when you tell him

Congratulationbs on the new house

Agnes

good for you, no he has no say nothing to do with him

Why are you moving?
Does it make life better for you and your DD?
All week every week?
If yes then a once a week commute for someone who doesn't live with you is hardly relevent. Tell him when you are good and ready.

Hoorah - am going to video it for you guys so hopefully he will have a wobbly.

DD only sees him every other weekend so it is realistically twice a month that he will have to make the journey.

After the court case he scuppered himself and agreed to do all of the picking up and dropping off and I ain't gonna complain about that although DH has said that he would do one way if it was such a big issue but after all of the shit that XH put me through I don't see why I should!!

Am slowly going from being terrified to relishing the idea of telling him that he will have to spend longer in the car hating me than he does already!!

Well, I think he is entitled to know if, when and where you are taking his daughter.

I think he is entitled to know, personally, and, his seeking legal advice is normal, natural, and appropriate. Considering you are quite prepared to go behind his back, I can understand why he'd want to!

Im not saying he can have a say, but, I think you are wrong to keep him out of the loop. He is her father.

Just because he is the father it doesnt mean she has to inculde him in everything, it is her life after all and she should not have to answer to anyone.

We are moving 45 minutes away from his house not 45 hours you know Vicki!!

He will know when we have exchanged - he has tried to scupper things we have tried to do before and I am sre if we told him he would try and mess this up for us too!!

Perfectly reasonable especially judging from the past.

Twinkie, bloody men, expecting you to make decisions in your new life based on how much inconvenience it will cause him. TUT

Tough Cookies for him, I say.
Well done and hope you love the house!!!

VVV she's not disappearing with her DD and not telling him, she's just moving a bit further away.

I agree if you were moving very far away then he would have a right to know. But you are not.
One questions though, will you be consulting him on which school to enrol her in? Think he should have some imput in to her education.

No I won't be consulting him on the school - he has no interest in stuff like that.

The school in the village we are moving to is wonderful - so much so that people move to the village just to get in. It is a faith school which is important to me but not to him.

This is a guy who makes her do her homework on her lap in the back of the car on the way home on a Sunday afternoon rather than putting himself out to sit and do it with her to help her and be sure she understands it. Believe me her education comes far lower down his scale of importance than trying to annoy the fuck out of me!!

It's up to you, personally I think he is a miserable so and so who should count himself lucky, my dss lives 100 miles away! But that's just how is, and short of DH & I changing jobs and moving further south it's not going to change - we certainly wouldn't tell his ex where she can and can't live, she would tell us to stuff ourselves and rightly so! It's certainly not up to him to decide where YOU live. Good luck with your move!

I don't know the history here so maybe this guy deserves all he gets, but in principle I agree with VVV - he's her dad, it is very much his business where she lives.

I agree, he is her dad and should at least know that you are planning to move. If he has PR, he should be involved in the decision about which school she attends too. Like Hillls says, you don't have to involve him in everything to do with your life, but your dd is going to be affected by this - moving area, changing friends, changing schools, so it is something to do with him.

I don't know how old she is, but isn't she likely to talk to him about it? Isn't it better coming from you than him finding out from her and realising that you're trying to keep it from him. I would have thought that would annoy him more, and if he's the sort that reacts, he could go to court for a Prohibitive Steps Order. Whether he'd be successful or not is another matter, but do you really want that hassle?

I don't know the history here, but is it not possible just to talk to him about it and say that you are thinking about moving, you realise that it means a longer journey for him and you're sorry about that but it will be better for you/your dd because of x,y z, and keep him onside?

You know it is funny you guys bringing up schools and things - when I told him we were thinking of moving 10 miles from where we are now he was only bothered about how long he would be spending int he car - her welfare doesn't cross his mind at all.

He knows that we are going to move as we have a big sold sign int he garden - I am not keeping it from him just the exact location so he can't scupper our plans!!

As long as you're staying in the country I can't really see why he has to know too far in advance. As long as he has the knowledge of your location at some point it will be up to him to get off his chuntering bum and visit.

On the school front, if the village has only one school why the hell should he need to have a say? There's not a great deal of point in shipping the poor lass out to some other village or town if there is adequate available locally is there? If he has PR it means he is entitled to know what's going on, not to be in complete charge, I thought that responsibility was for the resident parent?

Agnes

Im sure you are justified, but, as rowan said, judging from your OP, and not knowing any history, I'd say YABU.

To explain, simply because weighing up both sides - all things being equal - your moving may well suit you, and that is justified - of course it is. However, the practicalities of your moving could affect his job. It could mean he needs to apply for flexible working, in order to leave earlier. (How many bosses would actually stand for an employee leaving 10 minutes earlier?)

However, now you have clarified further.

Ooh Twinkie! I used to live in Tollesbury and travelled on my own on the bus to Kelvedon once a week for my ballet lesson. My grandmother would pick me up at the other end.