Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visitors

21 replies

Twounder1 · 08/04/2018 22:21

My baby is 6 days old and my DP's family are causing a bit of chaos today.
So we agreed being as though his family were horrible to me when they imposed the day after dd was born (an continued to impose nearly every day after for 2 weeks despite us saying no) we decided to have two weeks of no visitors with ds from both sides of our family (other than my mom who took me to the doctors)
I want to include my family respect my wishes entirely. His family however don't. Despite them telling me "if you need a couple weeks alone, that's okay".

So his gran. His gran was the one who basically told me it was okay if I wanted to wait a few weeks for her to come over. Which I did as last time she was very inappropriate. Unwanted advice, not giving dd back to breastfeed, telling me I looked awful and making me do cups of tea and pieces of cake for everyone the day I bought her home and I'd had no food and no sleep. She specifically said that it was okay as we have a one year old who needs to get used to ds. Her world has been turned upside down. Thankfully they're okay together.

So today. Dp is mainly the one who's put the ban on visitors. Especially his side. It made me incredibly depressed last time people wouldn't stop coming over, it nearly ruined our relationship as I had pnd. I was miserable and he wants time to bond with ds too on his own as he's struggling. Today he basically had a phone call telling us we were being unreasonable not letting his gran come over. (she had told us she was coming over today but we had hospital appointments for him anyway) she didn't ask. She told us.
Basically now his whole family are digging at us that we won't have visitors and it's all my fault and I'm ruining the family.

Not that they're bothered I've pushed an almost 10 pound baby out who got stuck and the birth was a bit traumatic and I'm incredibly sore and struggling with breastfeeding. (sorry, hormonal rant)

How long did you make visitors wait and aibu?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 08/04/2018 22:26

I'm confused. How old is baby?

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 08/04/2018 22:26

YANBU. They sound like nightmares. Leave it to DH to sort.

IAmBreakmasterCylinder · 08/04/2018 22:27

YANBU at all.

You all need time to recover, rest, bond and be a family.

I’m not sure what I would advise other than ignoring but just wanted to say you have every right to say no to visitors for as long as you want.

Congratulations on your new little bundle Flowers

windchimesabotage · 08/04/2018 22:27

YANBU at all!!
I did not have visitors until several weeks after the birth and even then it was my ILs for an hour and I did not come downstairs... stayed in bed whilst my husband took the baby to see them downstairs.
My dad visited me in the hospital (despite me saying not to) but tbf only stayed about 5 mins and just left flowers.
I went to stay with my parents a week after the birth but I wouldnt really class it as a visit as I just stayed in bed and they made me food and brought it to me and took the baby out for an hour so I could sleep. My husband had had to go back to work and I had not recovered from my tearing very well yet so they were really helpful.

In your situation I would just not answer the phone or texts or open the door. Dont feel guilty you are doing this for you and your baby. They seriously negatively impacted on you last time.... it is completely reasonable to try and avoid that this time. Dont pander to them just ignore. Flowers

KarmaStar · 08/04/2018 22:28

OP you are definitely NBU but your families ARE.
Stick to your ban on visitors else they will never listen to anything you say as they will feel they can push you around.
Lock the doors,silence your phone's and spend the time bonding and allowing time for your lives to adapt as a family of four.
You have every right to do this,for as long as you need and want to.
Congratulations on your new babyFlowers

Original poster
Twounder1 · 08/04/2018 22:28

Baby is 6 days old.
He's just getting harassed by all of them. They're basically kicking off because my mom has seen little boy as she bought us home from the hospital as we don't drive and she had to take me to the doctors 2 days after the birth as I've had a really bad chest infection. Apparently its not fair as my mom has seen little boy.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 08/04/2018 22:29

cooking ell did you give brothers to the messiah?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 08/04/2018 22:30

It doesn't matter how long any of us made anyone wait. What matters is that you're fragile and struggling and in need of some rest. Your DP has told them what's going on; if they ignore his instructions tell him to stand firm; he has to have your back on this.

Flowers Congratulations on your new arrival. Don't ever feel guilty for saying 'no' when you need to take care of yourself. You're only going to be able to parent happily when you're taking the best possible care of yourself.

VinegarTits · 08/04/2018 22:30

Birth I mean, why so presidiums about
It? Just let them come

DontbeaDickaboutit · 08/04/2018 22:35

Just let them see the baby! You're lucky you have people who want to come and see you. I had my parents, in laws, sister in law to see us in hospital as well as two sets of close friends, and I had an emergency c section and then a planned one. UNCLENCH! All this bollocks that you didn't let people come and see your baby for WEEKS - why?!

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns · 08/04/2018 22:35

YANBU.
If they are too thick to understand your reasons just say the doctor has prescribed bed rest.

windchimesabotage · 08/04/2018 22:44

dontbeadickaboutit did you actually read the OP? She developed PND in part because she felt overwhelmed and she is trying to avoid that this time round.
Not everyone can cope with visitors. Good for you that you could! But please dont assume its the same the for all women.

Shizzlestix · 08/04/2018 22:49

Your DP needs to shield you from this. He can put his phone on silent, draw the curtains and ignore the lot of them. When you allow them over, ensure he shows them the door after an hour and that you scarper upstairs with the baby when he wants to feed, no pissing round making tea and handing over the baby after grandma refused to give back the last one. Limit her to one visit a week.

Louiselouie0890 · 08/04/2018 22:59

They're being ridiculous. Do not put yourself under any strain. Look after your family. Besides real caring family would understand 100%

I was the same, 2nd time I did everything my way. People were not happy I lost 70% of people around me but I had a beautiful labour time to heal rest and bond. It was amazing. I wouldn't change a thing. I healed much quicker.

They weren't the ones cuddling me while I was rocking twatting my head on the wall crying my eyes out so they didn't get a say in what I did on round 2.

Mumto2two · 08/04/2018 23:04

Totally understand your angst with this OP. Why on earth do some people, (usually the in laws for some bizarre reason) feel this ridiculous intrusive sense of entitlement. It really baffles me.
My Inlaws thought I would need their 'help' for a few months, and they arrived two weeks before my due date. Uninvited!
When asked to stay elsewhere for a while, they were told we would call them to let them know when it was ok to visit. They circled our house like vultures, and pounced as soon as our car hit the drive. Baby was 3 hours old. The aunts arrived shortly after. They took the baby and handed her around like a Xmas parcel. Wouldn't offer me a chair or privacy to bf. Expected tea, which they accidentally kicked all over our living room floor. DH had to drag out all the sofas to try and clean it up..
By which point I almost lost the plot...they never ever respected our wishes. Call us next time please, before you turn up. 8am next morn...there they were again on our doorstep. It still makes my skin crawl...Angry

Original poster
Twounder1 · 08/04/2018 23:15

I don't understand. Why don't people realise its not about them?
An I developed pnd last time. I didn't bond with dd. I was stressed. I don't want that this time.

I've found in 6 days to be feeling so much better with recovery now I'm under less stress with people over etc. I'm still sore and tender but feel so much better mentally

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 08/04/2018 23:40

@Mumto2two Well more fool you for just standing there and 'obeying!'
When they arrived as you got home with baby you should've popped a blankie over car seat and said "NO!!! Come back in two weeks! Goodbye!"

SickofThomasTheTank · 08/04/2018 23:41

I can't believe you even served them dinner?!?

SilverBirchTree · 08/04/2018 23:46

YANBU

Turn off your phones. Sign on door ‘No visitors.’ Don’t answer the door.

SilverBirchTree · 08/04/2018 23:47

And fuck what’s ‘fair’. Your baby is not a toy to be shared, but a vulnerable and needy person to be cared for.

ijustwannadance · 08/04/2018 23:51

Be firm. Tell your DH to deal with his family.
When they do come round give them a time limit, tell them to make their own bloody tea and just take baby for a feed upstairs to escape if you need to.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page