"I've obviously failed you"

[athingthateveryoneneeds]

DM came round for a birthday (mine) visit this weekend, and I'm still irritated that all she seemed to notice was that the house was a bit messy. And that she's "failed me" because she didn't train me properly in the art of housekeeping or something.

I got a lecture about my messy home in the restaurant while eating my birthday dinner. I am 37, btw, and have successfully lived away from home for 17 years.

Why my DH and DC weren't the focus of her lecture is.unclear apart from obvious sexism. I don't work as many hours as DH, but we work together to keep the house liveable, imo.

She clearly has forgotten what it's like to live with small people who undo every effort at maintaining order and cleanliness. It's unrelenting and irritating and boring.

Plus it was my BIRTHDAY and I didn't want to talk about how there were dirty dishes on the side and the table was a bit sticky. Gaaaaaajjjjjjjhddjskzndbrkskaß

Happy Birthday OP

Yes, she has failed you. But not in the way she thinks.

That made me tear up. Thanks. :)

You should’ve agreed.

Well she sounds like a delight. My sister made similar comments once when she came to visit me after I had had an operation. Still don't know to this day why she didn't say anything to my dh instead of the person on bed rest. Sadly some people aren't happy unless they are putting other people down. Happy birthday, I'm pretty sure you are doing brilliantly.

cut her off when she starts....i just don't understand why you cannot say

"listen I am not interested in your views on the state of my house on my birthday, or in fact EVER, please change the subject!"

it does work, I have reached the stage now where I see my own mother cast her eyes around and mentally tick off what she is not allowed to comment on and she will strike up a non dangerous conversation

for the record, it's mostly crumbs, hairstyles, dress sizes and making drinks and meals for other people who are perfectly capable

Failing that a nice guilt laden send off might make her think twice "sorry you were upset by the sticky table, what a disapointment for you..... BYE THEN, see you!" Slam door shut behind her and flick the Vees like a maniac, and let her ponder her rudeness all the way home.

Now have a lovely late birthday drink and fuck the lot of the untidy buggers!

My mother berated me at my hospital bedside when I was being treated for a suspected brain bleed because dh had put ds1 (15 months old) to bed with slightly damp hair

She's a very odd woman who dislikes me

I'm sorry op. I get that undertone sometimes (never been so blunt to actually say it though) and it's horrible.

Stuff her, reduce contact (at least at your house) if it will help you for the moment. And have some - because you should enjoy what's left of your birthday.

I did say something to her but she trotted out the old chestnut "oh don't be offended". Like, oh, okay then, since you asked so nicely.

I normally don't let these sorts of comments get to me, she doesn't come visit very often anyway. But it felt so jarring and unkind of her to bring it up. It's not like she helps! Whenever my mil visits she always asks if I need a hand with anything and pitches in. I know some people would feel awkward about that but she is the opposite of judgemental and enjoys making my life easier. My own DM just sits there. It's sad, really.

You need the sign which is up in my hall "A tidy house is a sign of a wasted life". If your house is good enough for you, that's all that matters. If anyone doesn't like the state, then it's up to them to do something about it, not moan at you.
Happy birthday!

I like that sign. I will get one!!

God, as someone with lots of small people around making mess 3 times as fast as I can clean it, this is a touchy subject for me.

Who wants to clean all fucking day anyway? And is it 1952? Why is it just my job? And don't the DCs benefit more from having my attention than an immaculate house & hours of screen time? And surely people can see that hours of hard work on a task that is never finished and never valued is a one-way ticket to depression? I'm normally a very calm, rational person, but this would have simultaneously cut me to the quick and boiled my piss.

No non-violent sensible ideas on how to deal with this. Drink wine, eat cake, and be merry. Happy birthday, OP!

Happy birthday! 🎁🎂🎈🎉🎊

DMs are opinionated pains in the arse. Next year say you don't want to see her on your birthday. Say you'll be out all day.

She won't be coming round for a visit for several months now at least - she has loads going on in her life , she lives 1.5 hours away, and is going on an extended overseas holiday next month. I probably won't see her until June or July at the earliest, and I'll.make sure she doesn't come to my home.

I was snappy with DH and the DC today because of what she said and that isn't fair. I'll get over it.

I love Sarah Millicans view - "I don't bother tidying up, it's easier just to say 'Sorry about the mess'"

Happy birthday op
This broke my heart, my mum used to pick on me all the time. She would call me scruffy or beg me to let her iron something etc. Just made me feel continuously shite, she's got a girlfriend now and she doesn't do it anymore - maybe she does it to her instead.

My DM commented on the state of my kitchen, I told her she was very welcome to clean it up for me and I wouldn't be offended. Cue massive backtracking and no more criticism about housework

@Nomorechickens

Result! I shall remember that one.

Why are some mothers such bitches?

Everyone I know has a mother who is like a soulmate to them, who loves and cherishes them, and is a great friend, and who sings their praises, and always has their back, OR a mother who is a nasty, critical old witch who makes her daughter feel like a worthless failure. There doesn't seem to be many in between.

And the bitchy, critical mothers often seem to save their best vitriol and bile for the daughters too. Very rarely the sons...

So sorry for you OP. As a few people have said, I would give her a wide berth if I was you..... Move 300 miles away if you can.

And the 'don't be offended' and 'you are so sensitive' comments that nasty rude cunts come out with, REALLY boils my piss!