DH and the housework - what do you do?

[FanjoBanjo1989]

I've been living with my husband for 7 years. He is lovely - intelligent, kind, generous, handsome, a very dry wit. Lover of cats. Thinks the sun shines out of my behind.

He has a sleep disorder (similar to narcolepsy) that means he is constantly tired. Without caffeine, he falls asleep on the sofa, in meetings, in the car even on short journeys. I have never known anyone fall asleep so quickly. Despite his issues, he has a full time job. We both work full time.

I am the neat one, he is considerably messier. In addition to this, housework just isn't a priority for him. This means that I do laundry and housework, he cooks, takes out the bins and fixes anything that breaks. He is an excellent cook, he never seems to spend less than an hour cooking, he does put the effort in. So, given everything I have just said, I should probably be over the fact that he seems to create mess. Even if he loads the dishwasher, he doesn't wipe the sides over. This morning I got up and had to wash tea stains off the fridge and the dishwasher. He has taken over our conservatory and is using it as a workshop. There's stuff all over the floor, it needs tidying and a bloody good hoover. There were chunks of vegetable in the plughole in the kitchen that needed fishing out. The food recyling bin was in the middle of the lawn and I had to retrieve it. He'd messed up all the cushions on the sofa so I had to plump them up and arrange them again. I am a perfectionist, and as a result of knowing that about myself I have tried (for the last 7 years) to adjust my expectations and as a result, the house is much dirtier and messier than I'd like on a fairly constant basis. I do, however, have more of a life as a result. I used to spend at least 80% of my free time cleaning and I got very resentful.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am tired of constantly trying to keep on top of the mess he makes. Every morning I get up and tidy up for probably about 30-60 mins before going to work, on top of the usual housework and laundry. When he has to go away for work, I LOVE IT. It feels as though I have SO much more time to myself because I'm not having to do wipe up the random messes he creates. The house stays tidy. I can starfish in bed. I

I have stuff I want to do with my life that isn't working full-time or cleaning. I also really want to crack on with the DIY - our garden is a mess and several of our rooms need redecorating, but it is SO hard to motivate him to do this stuff. He just doesn't seem to care as much as I do, and he doesn't seem to want to expend energy on it. I find myself relying on friends for help with wallpaper stripping and the like.

AIBU? I do have more energy than him (by a country mile) but I think it is a priority issue. When I lived at home with my parents, I did loads of housework but at least the house did stay fairly clean and tidy because my parents kept on top of it. I never saw a dirty plate left on the side. I imagine that living alone would be awesome, but perhaps it wouldn't. Perhaps I'd get tired of fixing broken loo seats and putting out the bins. Perhaps I'd hate always having to cook.

Maybe I just need to accept my lot. No-one's perfect, right? Am I unreasonable to want / expect my partner to clean up after himself like I do? And to crack on and help me with the DIY? For him to be motivated to do it? I feel as though he is less motivated than ever when it comes to the DIY. It's HARD being the only one who cares about the state of the house.

AIBU? Is my mindset the problem?

Tea stains and cushions being straight just aren't a priority for him. Why should they be? I doubt he even notices he's made a mess, or considers it a mess, because it doesn't bother him.

I think you have to find middle ground. Work out which are most important to you (eg cleaning bits of food out of the sink, not leaving bin on lawn, keeping workshop tidy) and let the rest go. Being nagged about things is just as annoying as leaving a mess.

I'm less tidy than DH and I've become much much tidier over the years. But I still don't 'see' things like teastains and crumpled cushions, they just don't register!

I hate to be the person who comes along and says something serious but... I do think this can be a precursor to bigger problems. Like most of the human race it seems, I was very similar in my relationship with DH (minus the cooking - he never cooked either!) I did everything, and tbh BEFORE we had children, it didn’t bother me. I just sort of shrugged it off and looked at the positive side, like you are now.

BUT. We had children, and it turned out that a lack of ability to see what wanted doing around the house also translated into a lack of ability to change nappies, play with the children, hear the children’s requests, feed the children, buy the things they needed, take them anywhere, etc etc. I felt like a single parent long before I actually became one. We’re now separated.

Just watch out because in my mind not picking up after yourself does indicate a somewhat self centred mindset that can be harder to live with as the years go by.

Genuine question for pp's who don't "see" things that many would see as needing cleaning, tidying etc.

If you go into a restaurant/cafe and the table has bits on, stains, do you not "see" it ? If you check into a hotel and the bathroom's not that clean, bin hasn't been emptied properly etc, - same again? And if you work outside the home, if it's untidy and messy do you not "see" ?

This isn't a challenge, I've just always wondered if it applies to everywhere you go, or just your home?

nicenewdusters - good question, and I'm pretty damn sure that my DH who apparently doesn't see that the kitchen work surface is covered in crumbs and coffee spills certainly would notice if, say, the table on the train was covered in crumbs, or if he sat down in Wagamama's and there was evidence of wine spillage and someone else's noodles on the table. He'd notice that. The blindness is entirely limited to our house.

FanjoBanjo - if you can possibly afford it, get a cleaner. But it seems to me that you've made all the compromises - the house is already more messy than you'd like. Why can't it be tidier than he'd like? Why does all the giving ground have to come from your side? You're right that no-one's perfect but equally asking for co-operation, compromise and respect isn't the same as asking for perfection.

I think the last thing I would want when I am in the care home that someone mentioned is to think I spent my life tidying up after another adult. I would weep if that was my life. It is impossible for us to tell whether this is high standards or him treating you badly. You will know that I think and then have to decide what you want to do about it. Not easy to make that decision though.

I pretty much could've written this haha
But I just try and ignore it now. He does try and he isn't as bad as he was when we first got together. Some days it pisses me off no end, especially when I feel like I've done nothing but pick up and sort out his shit while he sits on the sofa doing fuck all. But I do try and ignore it. He isn't going to change so I either have to accept it or leave I guess.
Doesn't help that I was brought up with a dm obsessed with cleaning and getting me to help and mil's house is a shit tip where her husband and my dp were never expected to do anything.

Is he having any treatment for the disorder? If not he needs to book an appointment with the gp tomorrow for the next slot.

Sit down with him to discuss the cleaning issue and ask how you can both either reach a compromise or / and get a cleaner.

What on earth are you doing for 30-60 mins every morning ON TOP OF the usual housework and laundry?! I can't see how two adults can actually make that much mess every day, even more so if you're working?!

Life is too short.

Your DH feels relaxed at home when it's a bit messy. You however feel more relaxed if the jobs are done. It's about what you both find comfortable, and I think the only thing you can really do is compromise.
Or get a cleaner.

OH does hardly anything apart from the garden and putting the recycling and bins out. Oh and occasionally run the hoover round. I did agree to this though as he runs his own business and I'm a SAHM , he said that if I stay home to look after our children and home he will earn the money. I know it's old fashioned but it works for us and he does work very hard to provide for us and doesn't begrudge me anything within reason. He is a good father and does take them out on his sometimes so I can chill and I do go out every month on my own with friends. If I was working too I would expect him to help out more

My husband also thinks the sun shines out of my arse. He is the most wonderful father to our little boy. He could spend hours entertaining our son. Just for that reason I am endlessly grateful.

Like your husband, he is messy and he doesn't even realise it. I have to ask myself though, "what is his intention?" It's not to upset me - it's just he is a bit messy.

I do the laundry, the cleaning, the DIY, the decorating, etc. I am a perfectionist too.

I learned that to keep the house tidy, I must and I mean ABSOLUTELY MUST keep the house minimal. No tat whatsoever. It makes tidying a million times easier.

I also learned that without him I would be devastated. Yes, it can annoy me when he leaves tea stains on the granite worktops or the used towel on the bathroom floor...yes I feel like I have to do a lot of chores, but he does his best. He will do things if I ask him to and he tries.

Like I said, if he were to ever - God forbid, -disappear, I would spend the rest of my life agonising over how I would do anything to have him back. He is my husband and I accept all of his foibles. I'm not perfect myself.

Some may disagree with me here, but it is what it is and I am happy.

I think you are being a little unreasonable. It would be reasonable for you both to meet halfway? It doesnt sound like he is seriously messy and it sounds like you are seriously neat. So I think its a question of either you both sitting down and asking that he raise his standards a little bit and you lower yours OR hire a cleaner to make up the shortfall of his standards so that you can have yours met.
I do think its unfair to expect him to meet your cleaning standards exactly himself because of his lack of energy and because your standards are coming across as quite high for most people.
Its not unfair to expect him to do housework but the things like plumped cushions and things being in the exact place you want them is a bit ambitious with his low energy levels. So I think if you dont want to have to do that yourself your either going to have to let it go a bit or employ someone else to do it.

People on these threads often recommend getting a cleaner. Sometimes that is the answer. Often though, it seems to me, the problem for the OP is just the constant low level untidiness.

It's not that somebody hasn't cleaned out the kitchen cupboards or hoovered the whole house. It's that every time they use the kitchen they don't wipe anything down, or leave the wet tea towel scrunched up, or don't sweep up the food they dropped on the floor. Leaving your wet towel and yesterday's underwear on the bathroom floor every morning won't be solved by having a cleaner in once a week for two hours.

Maybe dedicate certain rooms as 'pristine' (living room and a couple more) and 'messy' where things can be more relaxed. The stereotypical man cave (shed) would be an ideal candidate as the door can be shut so you won't see it.

Not rtf but I hear you OP! I could quite happily live in my own in a perpetual state of cleanliness and it would suit me just fine.

Reality is that other half is as messy as they come (crumbs always left on the kitchen counters, sauce slipped all over the cooker from where he's cooked, tea stains even in the floor every time he makes a brew, every drawer in every room in the house is full of his paperwork and receipts and he has this awful habit of chucking everything - paint pots, boxes of plaster, tools, odds and sods - under the stairs or in the shed so you effectively can't get in those rooms). He drives me up the wall. He's the type of person who won't think to take empty loo rolls out of the bathroom. He takes a clean towel out when he has a shower and doesn't think to put his dirty used one in the wash.

Coupled with messy kids and their constant mess, toys, clutter I often feel like I'm going to lose the plot

It bothers me but I find the best solution is to tidy up as I go and I try to encourage my family - kids are still young - to take some responsibility for their own mess. Can't really offer any solid advice but I fully empathise with you try not to stress about it, life's too short x

Is he being treated for his illness? Does his illness make him very tired?

If he is as lovely as you say he is then you know that he is not doing this on purpose or due to lack of respect, it is just because his standards aren't as high as yours, and possibly because he is so very tired it's hard for him to motivate himself.

I'm all for equal share of the household chores but when expectations differ then what is an equal share?

I live with an inherently messy man but I've learnt over the years that I'm particular about things being neat, tidy and ordered. This makes me hypersensitive to any of his mess and critical, and this is not limited to my OH. That is not a good thing.

What would happen if you just left everything? I have tried this experiment a couple of times over the years and have come to the conclusion that he just does not see it or it does not bother him. I have other friends who are just as messy.

We can't impose our standards on others and expect them to change to how we want things. I have had to either learn to let some things go which has meant reducing my standards or do it myself. If your DH had married a messy woman she would be very happy with her lovely DH.

Regards your 60 minutes housework in the morning what are you doing during that time? My DH has worked away and for the first week or so I've loved the tidiness and the free time and fantasised about a man who is as tidy as me . However after a couple of weeks I walked into my house and it didn't even looked lived in and that made me feel a bit empty.

My DH is like a snake shedding its skin so we have man boxes around the home where things have to be dumped into. If I didn't learn to compromise I couldn't live with him. Don't underestimate how much of a problem this can become.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I could relate with so many of you - it seems I'm not alone! I also appreciate (from those with whom I couldn't relate) that I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and they aren't easy people to live with. There is no right or obvious answer to all this (if only).

A cleaner might be the answer - it takes time to do a proper clean of the house, and if I'm not having to do that then the day-to-day stuff won't grate so much, perhaps. Having said that, we have two mostly-indoor cats who are terrified of the hoover, so I have reservations (to put it lightly) about getting a cleaner in. What if they accidentally let the cats out, or scare them sufficiently that they injure themselves? Perhaps I could get someone in to do most things but the hoovering?

Yes, DH is (thanks to my insisting, it has to be said) seeking treatment for his condition. Early stages yet, so not 100% sure what is wrong and whether things can get better. I have said he is living a half life and that he deserves better than that.

Nanna50 (and others who said similar) you are absolutely right, he isn't trying to annoy me, he just has different standards and different priorities (as he is always telling me). I have tried leaving everything and the house quickly gets into a state that is intolerable (to me). Dirty worktops, dirt and cat litter sticking to socks when you walk across the floor, proper dark-coloured scum in the shower cabin. He doesn't seem to notice. I understand it could become a big problem - I could easily grow resentful of living in his clutter / mess, always being the one to clean and the person to prompt a tidying up session. The 30-60 mins of a morning does include folding / dealing with laundry (his and mine), dishwasher loading, kitchen-side wiping, sweeping up of cat litter and general tidying where he has left rubbish / dirty cups, plates etc about the place.

Snarfield, you are a woman after my own heart. Your DH sounds a lot like mine. I feel your pain. I hope things get easier. Fingers crossed that as the kids get a bit older they start helping around the house more.

Rachiie - I lived in a B&B most of my adult life and was cleaning and ironing from about age 9. My 17 I was doing the majority of the housework. The house was (unsurprisingly) usually very clean and tidy (it had to be). Sharing a house with someone as untidy as my DH has come as a shock!

We have discussed our differing standards many, many times. His answer is always 'write it on a post-it note and I'll try and get round to it'. This means, of course, that I'm the 'project manager' here, and I'd just rather not be. But perhaps I'm being unrealistic.

outabout - he has a large garage / workshop which is so full of c**p it's now unusable. It looks like something off a hoarders TV show. I have offered to do tip runs but he never seems to get round to tidying it. Even though it isn't mine / my problem, it is a source of stress for me. I think seeing the conservatory used like a workshop stressed me out so much because I had visions of it becoming garage #2. I think his hoarding tendencies scare me (as a minimalist / Marie Kondo fan). He hates to throw anything away and when I do have a declutter, he finds it genuinely stressful (I never throw his stuff away, needless to say!)

OP have you tried the post it note thing? It may work. It might take him a while to get round to his 'to do' list but having that reminder put somewhere he can clearly see it may help.

Having said that I get what you mean. No one wants to feel they have to micromanage someone else especially a full grown adult whom they share the same living space with. It feels more exhausting than just doing the work yourself. I fully empathise with this.

Glad to hear he's started treatment for his condition.

Maybe have a discussion and say if there's no need for something is it possible to get rid of it/ sell it on/ give to charity etc. I've had a declutter over the weekend (kids wardrobes and drawers) and feel slightly better though some rooms in the house are in a complete state still (not my mess though). I'm trying not to get worked up over it.

Maybe the post it note thing is the compromise.

Yes, you have to tell him what he's missed and needs to do but hopefully it means you end up with a cleaner/tidier house. He does more, you do less.

Has he always had the sleep problem and did the messiness occur before or after the sleep problem.

Being constantly tired is shit, have a look at the spoon theory.

LTB - then he won't have to put up with your OCD! poor man is constantly tired due to his sleeping disorder, cooks for an hour every day amonst other things and all you can think of is plumping the cushions; seriously, you would be doing him a massive favour

Penelope You will probably see some of the blokes in this article as having quite a bit in common with your ex.

graziadaily.co.uk/life/opinion/i-ve-dumped-my-mum-friends-who-treat-their-husbands-like-an-extra-child/