Devastated

[madvixen]

Two weeks ago I had a miscarriage. This was my second one in just over a year (last one being Valentines Day 2017). I was only 4+3 gone this time and 4+5 last time. I've know since I was 16 that I will never be a Mum but it still hurts.
Anyway, DH got a call from SD earlier in the week asking if he could go and visit her today. It turns out that she's pregnant with her second child. I'm devastated. SD and I don't have a great relationship and I rarely see her and DS1 and this just feels like an absolute kick in the teeth. I should be happy for her, she's an amazing Mum but instead I'm sat here crying feeling like an absolute failure. I really hate her right now. I hate that she makes it so easy and I can't do it. AIBU?

Does SD mean stepdaughter? YANBU unreasonable, these feelings after a loss are perfectly normal. When I had an early loss, I felt resentment towards pregnant women I hardly knew.

When you say you have known since you were 16, is it a fact or a feeling?
Miscarriage is very common and even women who have had multiple miscarriages successfully carry children.

Sorry, I'm still trying to get used to all the abbreviations. Yes, by SD I mean stepdaughter.

Unfortunately it's a definite that I can't carry a baby, I have a lot of scarring in my uterus and it means the egg won't stick for long.

You know those feelings aren’t logical. She doesn’t need to know (and shouldn’t) about the way you’re feeling right now. It isn’t her fault but it’s totally understandable and really common (lots of sympathy over on the infertility board).

Sorry for your loss.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had 2 miscarriages and these feelings are common. It's so hard when others have something you so badly want, yet have no control over, and with your hormones all over the place it's a very usual reaction. My friend discovered she was pregnant just after my first miscarriage and I found it extremely upsetting. Is there anything that can done to increase your chances of carrying a baby? Sending big hugs xx

I understand your pain. Hopefully with time you will be able to be more comfortable with your stepdaughter’s pregnancy.

I hope that there will be some way round your fertility problems. Give yourself time to grieve.

Sorry for your loss. Obviously yabu to hate her for being pregnant. How is it that you are falling pregnant, if you definitely can't carry a baby? Have you thought about a more robust method of contraception to prevent the cycle of falling pregnant then miscarrying?

YABU but it is understandable why you feel this way. Be kind to yourself OP

madvixen

How old are you? Have you been to a private clinic for a second opinion? Is that a possibility?

No yanbu. My sister became pregnant shortly after I found I had unexplained infertility and it was hard, when I did get pregnant and lost the baby, I became very depressed and angry. It wasn't about my sister, it was about how unfair it all was, how I wanted a baby and was grieving for a life that felt within reach, but was cruelly snatched away

someknobend - not just a funny username then

OP I am very sorry for you losses, and how you feel is totally normal and understandable. I was exactly the same after mine. Logic doesn’t apply when you’re grieving. Sending you a massive hug.

I am sorry for your losses but if you know that you cannot carry a child to term, why are you putting yourself through the horror and pain of pregnancy?

I'd seek a second opinion, maybe?

Lovelydearie and SomeKnobend do make a valid point. You're only causing yourself more pain if you continue to become pregnant when it isn't viable. I know you're probably clutching at straws and hoping for a miracle but if you know 110% that you cannot carry to term then you're just torturing yourself.

It is a totally valid point and I appreciate the honesty. Hubby and I had this exact conversation last week and we have agreed that he will have a vasectomy so that we don't go through this again.
In terms of why I put myself through it, I wanted a miracle. The thought of never being a Mum didn't really bother me for a very long time. Then my friends started having kids and my biological clock ticked in and suddenly all I wanted was to be a Mum. It's difficult not to see myself as a failure today. She's going to be an amazing Mum to this wee one (she's incredible with DC1) but I can't help wishing it was me

Can you look into other forms of having a child, e.g. adoption, surrogate etc...

Madvixen your feelings are normal even if not logical. Don't beat yourself up, it's ok to feel sad and grieve for the child you want but probably will never have. I say this as someone who has been through those feelings.
Over on the infertility posts there's a thread called Uber Barren Elite Squad... it's full of ladies in your boat who all understand. It's s great place to be able to get off your chest how you are feeling to people who understand... come over say hi and join us xx

trinity0097 as if anyone who knows they can’t cry a baby to term hasn’t considered adoption etc...

It’s not a helpful or kind thing to suggest.

Thinking of you, and sending you love and strength OP, you poor darling.🌸