WIBU to try teach him a lesson?

[LinenBox]

Long back story of XH being a piss poor father. Many, many examples but I have always tried to facilitate his relationship with our DC. Recently, I stopped our informal contact arrangement as he was so unreliable and asked him to seek a legal agreement. We were deemed unsuitable for mediation so I’m just waiting for his court petition (if he actually bothers).

A couple of years ago, my eldest DD was in the bath and asked me what ‘free porn’ meant. Turns out, he’d been using the laptop he bought for her to watch porn and it had come up as a frequent search on google.

A few days ago, he turned up with a phone for the dc, presumably so he can call them as I’ve had to block him on my phone (due to his abuse) and on my DD’s ipads as he was calling me a dog to them . I had a quick look at the phone and although he has wiped it, he had a large number of internet tabs open varying from porn searches to escort and prostitute sites. I’m livid that yet again, he is putting our DDs at risk in this way. He has also left himself logged in on linked in.

Would I be totally unreasonable to try teach him a lesson? I could post something on his linked in (although he recently quit his job so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance)? I could send screen shots to his GF (huge back story again with his relationships)? Or I could send a screen shot pretending to be my DD and asking him what this is?

I know the sensible option is to just leave it but it’s so tempting! WWYD?

Don’t start playing games , it never ends well
Concentrate on protecting your daughter from this idiot

He gave his children a phone with open porn and prostitution sites?? I would be seriously worried about his intentions and what your DC have been exposed to at his home. Tbh, I’d report him to social services. And I say this as someone who has social services involvement. He may just be lazy and careless. Or it may be something more sinister. Either way, Don’t take this lightly. It’s fucking serious.

Can you contact social services?

Yes, you need to contact social services. Exposing a child to porn is sexual abuse.

NSPCC - scroll down to read 'non contact abuse'

This is where it’s difficult without knowing the full back story and it’s just too much to type. My eldest DD has severe MH problems but I’m struggling (so is her school) to get her the right help. We did have a social worker briefly and they were aware of his antics but still referred us to a scheme that aims to get contact sorted out by involving the dc in the process. I was criticised for how much I let him get away with which is why I finally put a stop to contact. They handed our case off because I couldn’t attend the parenting courses they referred me to because I work. I could message my ex social worker and ask for advice but my experience so far has been that they don’t care because I am able to safe guard them. Whether a court agrees is another matter as I know contact is usually granted despite abuse and neglect.

This issue is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. There is so much he has done yet he has people in our community thinking I am being unreasonable to withhold contact. You just can’t win with people like him.

My DDs are 9 & 7 to put this into context.

Take photos of everything open on the phone and don't leave your DD unsupervised with him. Definitely contact social services. Do not start playing games, rise above and be a role model for your daughter.

Ignore what other people think, you are protecting your children. It has nothing to do with them.

We did have a social worker briefly and they were aware of his antics but still referred us to a scheme that aims to get contact sorted out by involving the dc in the process.

Were they previously aware of the dc being exposed to porn? If not, this is new and they would take a different view.

Protect yourself, protect your children, report it.

I could message my ex social worker and ask for advice but my experience so far has been that they don’t care because I am able to safe guard them.

You are safeguarding them, which is what is most important. But you need this recorded. You need it on record that it happened and that you took the right steps by reporting it. This is very important. It will enable you to continue to safeguard them when it comes to court because you will have evidence that he did it and it is your proof that contact isn’t safe. Seriously, even if social services say “you’re doing everything already- we can’t offer you anything more” that’s not the point of reporting. You’re reporting so you have a clear record of him acting irresponsibly and you acting responsibly. On paper. For court. Without that you’re walking into court with no evidence that he is a risk to his children.

And stop assuming that contact will be granted regardless. It certainly will if you don’t keep and report the proof he is a risk but the more evidence you gave the better chance you stand of keeping your girls safe. Please don’t under estimate the value of reporting this.

I second Zibbi’s excellent advice.

Please don’t resort to playing games OP, sending screenshots hither and yon. Be the grown-up and the better person.

I also think reporting is the right thing to do, if it's on record it can be used to support your case in court and that could be far more helpful than 'teaching him a lesson' in any of the ways you describe. I understand your lack of faith in the court system but your case will be far stronger if you have played this by the book, don't stoop to his level.

Yes, they were aware of the previous porn incident as well as many other safe guarding concerns but at no point was I told to stop contact until he assaulted our eldest.

I will report it to SS on Monday. The last time I did they had a bit of a ‘what do you want us to do about it?’ attitude but I accept it’s important for evidence sake.

but at no point was I told to stop contact until he assaulted our eldest.

SS are under a microscope and have to work to very specific protocols. The way they phrased it to me (repeatedly and with a pointed look!) was “we can’t advise you to stop contact but we can see you are being a protective parent by preventing contact. If you weren’t being a protective parent we would have to escalate this to child protection level”

What they mean by me not being a protective parent is if I allowed contact. They were very careful with their wording but my social worker (who is a fucking angel!) made it very clear what they meant.

The last time I did they had a bit of a ‘what do you want us to do about it?’

That’s really disappointing, my social worker took this shit really seriously. However what you do is you ring them up and regardless of their response you say you want it recorded on your file that this happened and that you reported it. And also specifically ask them “what do you advise me to do in this situation?” Be that specific. And have a pen and paper when you ring. Write down date and time of call, who you spoke to in which department. What you said and what what they said. Try and write down word for word as much as possible. Ask them to repeat things if you are uncertain or didn’t hear properly. Write as much as you can.

Btw if they say “there’s nothing we really can advise” write that down. Word for word.

Thank goodness your children have such a good and loving mum.

Zibbidoo is spot on, getting it recorded is what's important here. You must feel so frustrated by the situation, you're doing your utmost to protect your girls with little or no support from the sound of it, thank god they have you

Just wanted to update as I’m really grateful for the advice and in case anyone stumbles across this post in similar circumstances. I probably wouldn’t have taken any action had I not posted and been told I needed to log it.

I called SS yesterday and logged the issue. I got a call back from MAST who took the complaint very seriously and said I’d done the right thing in having a record of this issue. They are going to contact him to inform him of what’s happened and presumably explain just how inappropriate his actions are. I’m glad though as in the past he and his sister have made out like I’m expecting perfection from him and all parents put their children at risk Maybe if he hears it from a professional in child protection, he’ll realise how serious it is.

The person from MAST was really encouraging about the actions I have taken to safeguard my children and complimented me on how much I knew about my children’s reasons for not wanting to see their dad and the issues at play. It’s been bloody hard these last few years dealing with him and my DD’s MH problems and I was always reluctant to say things were too bad to stop contact so it’s nice to have it acknowledged that I’m doing the right thing.