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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dd to be driven by a new driver?

46 replies

Bishbashbosh45 · 07/04/2018 13:31

Dd's friend has just passed her test and has been bought a small second hand Toyota by her parents.

With a few other friends, they are now starting to plan all the cinema/shopping trips they can do together, but I'm not really comfortable with the thought of dd being driven by a 17 y/o new driver in a small car filled with 5 girls, who can be very loud when they're together.

AIBU to say that she can't get in her friend's car until the friend has been driving for at least 6 months?

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 14:22

New drivers of that age are most likely to have an accident in the first 5 months, or so, i read.
However I didnt feel able to refuse my dd get in her bestfriends car, new driver, 18 year old, with other girls in the car.
you can get excited teens/twenty year olds in a car what ever the situation.

Americantan · 07/04/2018 14:23

Tiredey how very true!

NoSquirrels · 07/04/2018 14:26

I passed my test 2 years ago (I’m in my 40s) and immediately had to do the school run (reason for needing a licence) with my young primary DC - not known for being quiet and not distracting to a new driver. It was fine.

You have to trust your DD - but tell her to please be mindful & sensible of her friend driving and get the others to be good passengers too.

swingofthings · 07/04/2018 14:26

It's normal to feel this way, but it's wrong. It's life. There has to be a first one to get their licence and driving. Your DD will too and will want to take her friends.

I was a bit taken aback when DD said she was going with her friend who had just passed her licence. DD was only 16 but her friend had just turned 18. Then there was another one, and another. DD passesd her test in September, had her car in November, and it's now her turn to drive others.

If it's been decided that they can legally drive at 17, it's because they've been deemed to be capable of it. You've got to accept that your DD is almost an adult and it's her life.

swingofthings · 07/04/2018 14:28

New drivers of that age are most likely to have an accident in the first 5 months
That is a fact, but not all accidents end up in passengers injured.

Looneytune253 · 07/04/2018 14:28

I thought that they had changed it and new young drivers weren’t able to drive other young people around?

SofiaAmes · 07/04/2018 14:36

Statistically it's one of the more dangerous things you would be letting your dd do.
My dd (15) is not allowed in a car with anyone under the age of 25 driving. I will make occasional exceptions, but generally that's the rule. We live in Los Angeles where you can't get anywhere without a car, but luckily Uber/Lyft are ubiquitous and it's how all the teens get around these days.

MsHomeSlice · 07/04/2018 14:38

You have to put the fear in them that this is a ONE WAY ticket to freedom or doom for the rest of their lives, and that goes for drivers and passengers....teach them to use their choices wisely

Make sure she is able to refuse the lift/return journey if she feels unsafe

Original poster

Bishbashbosh45 · 07/04/2018 14:46

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-england-hampshire-43608388

This happened near us a few days ago, which I suppose is clouding my judgement.

I think I'm mostly worried about the distractions in a small car filled with teenagers.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2018 14:48

YABU. If my mum had told me at 17 that I couldn’t go in my legally qualified driver friend’s car, I’d tell her that it wasn’t her decision.

MorningsEleven · 07/04/2018 14:51

luckily Uber/Lyft are ubiquitous and it's how all the teens get around these days

I think I'd rather a 17 year old than an uber.

specialsubject · 07/04/2018 14:51

unfortunately four or five shrieking teens in a car is a fair risk for a 'single vehicle accident' (i.e driver did something stupid)

perhaps the angle to take is that it is dangerous, the new driver needs to concentrate so the girls need to keep it down and behave like adults.

Itsallpropaganda · 07/04/2018 14:52

YABU. Brand new drivers are generally far more careful than drivers with a year or two experience who have relaxed a bit and possibly developed a few bad habits. That said, I always warned my DC when they were going in a car as a passenger to be careful not to distract the driver.

Fifthtimelucky · 07/04/2018 14:52

I think you need to make a judgement call depending on the maturity of those concerned. My 18 year old is a good driver, and has given lifts to lots of friends since she passed her test a year ago, and has had lifts from some of them.

I confess that whether she is the driver or the passenger, I am happier when she goes out with one or two friends rather than four. They are sensible girls, but it's easier to concentrate on the road when there are fewer distractions inside the vehicle.

swingofthings · 07/04/2018 14:56

My dd (15) is not allowed in a car with anyone under the age of 25 driving.
I'm sorry but do you realise how stupid your rule is? It's not because statistically drivers are safer after the age of 25, that they are on an individual basis?

You're saying that you wouldn't let your DD get into the car of someone who is 24 and has been driving every single day to work since they were 18, but would let her go in a car of someone who is only a few weeks older, but just passed her test or who passed her test at 20, but hasn't driven since they passed their test 5 years ago (even more dangerous).

MycatsaPirate · 07/04/2018 14:56

Three weeks after DD1 passed her test she drove four hours to uni including navigating the M25. She was 18.

If you know the other girl then talk to her and your DD about keep noise down in the car and not have all the girls shrieking or distracting the driver.

But I would say YABU. Let them go and enjoy the freedom of having a car to get about in.

My DD has been driving for 14 months now and has probably driven 20k miles in that time. She has only had one minor bump and that was someone driving into the back of her car - a middle aged man who had probably had his license for a lot longer than she had!

ToriRay · 07/04/2018 14:58

I remember when the first out of our group passed her test! Oh the freedom! My mum has similar concerns, but manages it with a couple of rules. None of us in the car drank when we were out, we didn't go on the motorway, and she knew what time to expect me home. Was a small price to pay for the freedom of not relying on parents! We thought we were real real grown ups! And we did act like it!

swingofthings · 07/04/2018 15:00

I think you need to make a judgement call depending on the maturity of those concerned
Exactly! What I did to minimise the risks is to teach my DD of the dangers and give her confidence to say or asked to be stopped if she's concerned. I trust that she wouldn't get into a car with someone who has had even one drink, or didn't check if everyone was wearing the seatbelt and has asked questions about insurance to be reassured they did have it. If she was concerned about the car, she wouldn't get in either.

What is most dangerous is kids who feel pressured to be 'cool' and follow the leaders because they are too scared to make fun of if they say no thank you.

Flisspaps · 07/04/2018 15:04

@Bishbashbosh45 How exactly do you intend to stop her getting in the car?

4sausages · 07/04/2018 15:15

My DS passed his test a year ago. He's a very good driver and has a black box fitted to his car which helped get the cheapest insurance, which I think makes him more aware of his own driving. When he first passed his test he wasn't happy driving with the radio on or with anyone talking to him (except about the drive). A few months later he admitted that he was much more confident and it showed in the black box readings as he now regularly gets 98 or 99 points out of 100. So I think YANBU in telling her to let her friend get a bit more experience before getting lifts.

SofiaAmes · 07/04/2018 15:25

swingofthings you may think my rule is stupid, but my 15 year old (who apparently is a little more informed about risk analysis than you are), thinks it's a great rule and finds it helpful to cite her mother's rule rather than have to confront her teenage friends as they are going off to an activity. She is also wise enough to know that the "rule" is really more of a guideline and there have been occasions where together we have agreed that a particular driver in a particular situation is safe and reasonable.

However, I do want to add the caveat that things are different here in the USA. Kids get their permits at 15 1/2 (my dd has hers) and their license at 16 and passing the test is by no means an indication that the driver is safe or wise. (Age is generally a correlation to experience as most get their license in their teens.) In many places, you can't get somewhere without going on a freeway at 65 mph. Here in Los Angeles there are large numbers of unlicensed and inexperienced drivers on the road. All of this adds up to a lot more hazards that really are better dealt with by an experienced driver.

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