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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay friends with both?

36 replies

Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 20:23

I'm going to try and shorten as much as possible. I have 2 close friends. They were best friends for 10 years until 6 months ago, completely inseparable, never went a day without speaking etc.
Friend A is 15 years younger than friend B. Friend B has grown up children.
Friend B has a son-in-law the same age as friend A. There has always been an obvious spark between A and sil which has been an ongoing joke even with Bs daughter.
Long story short, A admitted to B that her and sil had kissed on a night out.
B and her family have made a HUGE issue, slating A all over our local town. Sil has been totally forgiven (I happen to know he has made several passes at A over the years which she has turned down)
A has been very quiet. Accepted she did wrong, lost her best friend etc.
My aibu is: B has said she can't be friends with me if I'm still friends with A. I don't want to lose either friend and, imo, if sil is forgiven surely A should be as well?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/04/2018 20:29

Its a difficult one but B has no right to ask you not to be. Are you the only one who knows re the passes

Motherd · 06/04/2018 20:32

I don't see why they had such a problem about it in the first place but poor you being stuck in the middle there is nothing worse! Stay friends with both and try not to get involved, just nod and keep quiet whenever they talk about it to you an let them know you don't want to be involvedFlowers

BendingSpoons · 06/04/2018 20:35

B is being U. SIL is the one who cheated anyway. B shouldn't stop you being friends with A.

Pennywhistle · 06/04/2018 20:36

I think I’d be very, very disappointed in A tbh.

However it’s not for B to tell you who be friends with.

When I have encountered this situation in the past I have said honestly that I’m friends with both. If either of them are unhappy with that it’s their own decision.

You’ll lose a friend but sometimes that’s how it goes.

Motherd · 06/04/2018 20:37

Oh sorry didn't read properly and didn't see Sil had girlfriend so can see the problem but B is still totally unreasonable to involve you!

Original poster
Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 20:39

I know A and B had a big heart to heart after it all transpired and A told B everything. I believe B is missing A as well but her children have, basically, ordered her to have nothing to do with A and I feel these 'orders' are being passed on to me. B also has a younger child who is friends with my DS and in his class at school. As children go to a different school in a different town

OP posts:
Original poster
Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 20:41

Sorry, to clarify. Sil is married to Bs daughter

OP posts:
Motherd · 06/04/2018 20:44

I would honestly stay out of it and tell both A and B that you are not getting involved because it's so unfair on you!

Pennywhistle · 06/04/2018 20:44

I can absolutely see why B’s daughter expects her mother not to socialise with the woman he was unfaithful with.

That’s not unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t consider that an “order”, I’d consider that reasonable family loyalty.

You seeing A won’t impact B at all though, you don’t owe loyalty to her daughter do you?

How would she even know if you are discreet? (Ie keep it off FB and don’t mention it)

Original poster
Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 21:19

In response to 'family loyalty' comments. A has regularly helped out B financially, emotionally and with childcare. Bs (adult) children tend to feel they're a bit 'above' their mother and often state this.
Part of my concern is how B is managing without As support

OP posts:
sonjadog · 06/04/2018 21:23

You aren't involved in it at all so why should you have to drop your friend? I think they are being very unreasonable and personally, I wouldn't accept someone controlling my friendships in such a way. The emotional blackmail would just annoy be even more, tbh, but maybe I am just awkward.

Certcert · 06/04/2018 21:53

What A did was wrong, but, equally, what sil did was wrong. A has been ostracised, sil hasn't. A may need a friend right now.

And if you 'drop' A, who is to say that A & B won't make up? Then you've lost them both.

Horrid situation to put you in. But say you are not getting involved and staying friends with both. And tell B that you haven't had your friends chosen for you since primary school.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 06/04/2018 22:02

I wouldn't want to still be A’s friend. That was beyond shitty. Who kisses their best mates son in law?

Fruitcorner123 · 06/04/2018 22:03

I can understand why she cant forgive her friend for this. Loyalty to her daughter comes first. I would tell her that you agree that A was out of order and you would never o
Put B in a position where she has to spend time with A (i.e. at your birthday party or whatever) but you will remain friends with A and hope that B will come to be ok with that.

You cant get involved in whether or not sil is forgiven

AnnieAnoniMouser · 06/04/2018 22:05

A may need a friend right now

A should have thought about that before kissing her best mates son in law Hmm

In B’s position there’s no way I’d forgive her for kissing my daughters husband. No way.

Pennywhistle · 06/04/2018 22:05

Bs (adult) children tend to feel they're a bit 'above' their mother and often state this.
Part of my concern is how B is managing without As support

I’m struggling as to how to put this without sounding harsh.

If B’s children treat her badly that’s her own responsibility to deal with. It’s certainly doesn’t negate snogging someone else’s husband.

I would also suggest she shouldn’t ever have been taking financial assistance from someone else if she has children who could help her.

None of this is B’s fault. But you cannot expect her to choose A over her own daughter, however much you don’t like them.

If A knew that B was depending on her that makes her behaviour worse than ever. She must have known she was dropping a bomb on B when she did it.

Original poster
Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 22:06

I think I'm, morally, siding with A as she has been screamed at in the street in front of her children, ostracised by everyone and hasn't once fought back, argued or pleaded innocence.
On the other hand I really feel for B who has lost her BFF and was never keen on sil anyway.
Extra point I forgot to mention, B is godmother to As 3yo son. Used to have him regularly, spoilt him rotten. She has cut contact with him as well and he is constantly asking for her. I can't condone punishing the child ever but, obviously, don't condone what happened either.
Dh thinks I'm over thinking and should cut both off....

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 06/04/2018 22:07

I am with you AnnieAnoniMouser i have no sympathy for A or sil

The OP is friends with A though and I don't think its right to drop a friend just because they did something bad.

Pennywhistle · 06/04/2018 22:19

I think I'm, morally, siding with A as she has been screamed at in the street in front of her children, ostracised by everyone and hasn't once fought back, argued or pleaded innocence.

She can’t plead innocence - she isn’t. What defence could she possibly have?

While it must be terrible to be ostracised- if you behave very badly people stop wanting to be friends with you. That’s what happens.

The screaming at in the street must have been distressing for A and for her poor, poor children but again it’s difficult to feel much sympathy for her.

Your opening post implies that these two had been flirting for some time.
You say he’d made passes before - why the hell did she ever put herself in a position to have anything happen.

I’m not excusing him in any way - he’s clearly cheating scum but she’s also responsible for her own behaviour.

You feel sorry for her because you think that her consequence has been worse than his. But it’s entirely predictable - what did she think was going to happen?

I assume you know that A’s son is asking for B because A has been complaining about it? Again I have to say what the hell did she think was going to happen?

She’s burned her own house down and set fire to B’s too.

Original poster
Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 22:34

Bs children refuse to help her. A saved her from eviction and bought her a washing machine when hers broke down. (no excuse but for background)
I agree she isn't innocent. She's never claimed to be. I was, and still am, disgusted by her behaviour and told her so.
She's never complained or moaned. It was her 9yo daughter who told me about the 3yo.
I think my main point is forgive one, forgive the other or at least let it lie without dragging others in.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 06/04/2018 22:37

My word, Penny you sound like something out of a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 06/04/2018 22:38

Thinking selfishly who would you miss more? Who brings the most into your life? What if you drop one, they reconciled and you got shut out?

Original poster
Minifootballteam · 06/04/2018 23:20

I love them both equally. A has said she totally understands me backing off from her as she was in the wrong but she would like to still see my kids (who love her)
I'm just so pissed off that sil is swanning around like Mr perfect and As children have been dumped.

OP posts:
Pennywhistle · 06/04/2018 23:20

Dead I’m just playing devil’s advocate.

Mini B’s children sound dreadful and you are right, you shouldn’t be dragged in.

HughGrantsHair · 06/04/2018 23:35

When you say SIL has been forgiven, do you mean the daughter has forgiven him so B has to go along with it or she'll lose contact with her daughter? I'm sure she hasn't forgiven the SIL if she never liked him much anyway and then he snogged her best friend.

She's doing what she has to do to support her daughter and continue her relationship with her.

A has got the shitty end of the stick and SIL has got off lighter because B needs to keep her loyalty to her daughter. Daughter has done nothing. A has behaved disgustingly.

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