To ask you to cheer me up (please)

[WashingMatilda]

I have been in hospital for a week today.

I had sepsis and suspected meningitis. I've had a lumbar puncture which was horrific, scans, bloods, can't move my neck, I ache all over, I've just been moved to another ward, I'm pretty sure they've forgotten about me and in short I'm feeling VERY. SORRY. FOR. MYSELF.

I love MN. You have seen me through some terrible times. Please regale me with stories, tips, facts, anything to cheer me up.

Matilda you have every right to feel sorry for yourself! I hope you feel better soon 💐

One day a driver became aware of a car behind him tooting his horn and flashing his lights. He couldn't work out which so he stopped. The driver got out and said 'mate! I've been trying to tell you something for miles now.' ' What's the problem?' asked the first driver. The second man says ' You're losing your load!:
The first man says 'im supposed to.....
Im driving a gritter!'

Hope that made you smile (

Have you seen this? m.youtube.com/watch?v=49HYiesrLe4

One day (my 21st), my sisters mil had died. We all went up to the north east for the funeral and very kindly of my sisters in-laws, they decided to take me out for a meal as we were there for a few days.

It was all very nice and we were in a different town and they encouraged me to stay out with one of my other sisters to celebrate while they all went home (we were staying in a hotel)

Upshot was, we stayed out and got merry.

On our way back to the hotel, I decided to pull a mooney at some local boys who were giving us abuse.

Unfortunately, as I was halfway up the street, I didn't see the police car, until I heard a policeman shout 'Get that big, fat, white arse back in your pants'.

Now to say, I quickly sobered up and felt ashamed was an understatement.

I had never done it before and needless to say, I have never done it since.

It was 20 years ago now, but I still cringe when I think about it.

Luckily the policeman just chased us back to the hotel.

Oh and just to add, my arse wasn't fat when I was 21. It was lovely and pert 😂😂😂

I just want to tell you how very, very lucky you are. I'm not going to go into detail as you want cheering up, but honestly, you have come through it. That is cause for celebration

Danny

I like Wholesome Memes on Reddit.

In the meantime, what time does Sean Connery like to arrive in Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

Oh wow these are just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much.

And thank you especially mynameisnotsteven I don't want to seem ungrateful - I feel very lucky

Joke time!

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope

Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't peeling well.

I went bobsleighing the other day - killed 25 bobs.

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said "thanks", I said "don't mention it".

Flipping heck Matilda! for you.

2 monkeys got into a bath.
One said "OOO OOO OOO AAA AAA AAA!!!"
The other one said "well put some cold in then!"

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. We didn't call them that of course, we called them grandma and papapapapapapapapapapapa.

Who do fish go to see when they are poorly?
The doctorpus

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador

I'll tell you a story that Miranda Hart put in her book:

So she was at her little cousin's birthday party and, surrounded by a sea of five year olds, noticed that her little cousin was crying. Chatting away to someone else, she bent down and picked her up. But when she looked at what she had picked up, it was a forty-something year old dwarf parent. MH screamed loudly in her face and said something like "OMG, I'm so sorry, let's just pop you back where you came from." Bear in mind that MH is six foot something! Apparently the parent found it hilarious!