AIBU or can others see what I mean...?

[TwoSprouts]

My mother... she can be ever so helpful, but what she gives in one hand, she seems to take in the other... and my ex... let me explain... (I don't know if this is just pregnancy that's making me touchy, or if I have a valid point, but this has been happening for over a decade.)

A few years ago, I was in a mentally, sexually, and physically abusive relationship with the father of my two children (one is now a teen and doesn't desire to see him, as he attempted to throw a TV at her earlier this year, and threw some dvds at her in temper.). I was with this man for a substantial amount of time which resulted in me getting ill with an ed and other things as I was convinced it must be me that's the problem...

I finally found the courage to split and boot him out of my home. I went on to meet a lovely man whom I've been with since 2012, and we're now having a baby together as well as planning to get married.
My ex is still very much a pest via text, even though he has moved on to another woman. (My eldest has said to me that he's aggressive towards her too...)

When my daughters go to stay with him (no longer does my teenager. ..) they stay in a caravan in the garden, whilst he is in the house with his partner/ fianceé and stepson. It's a worry in itself for their safetythat this is deemed their bedroom. My youngest also sleepwalks, and the lock is as secure as a public toilet door.
Also have much more to say about this 'man' but I'd be here all day...

My mother...
She blamed me for her cancer due to the stress of what went on, yet denies it now...
Also, When the girls have been collected from her house sometimes, she invites him in, offers him tea and cake etc...
Despite knowing what he did to me.

I've tried to explain to my mother that this isn't fair on me, but she gets all defiant and defensive and says "you don't tell me who I can and can't have in my house!!". I never did, just this guy that happens to be the girls dad.
My mum said she's just trying to keep things civil, but isn't inviting the man in for tea and cake a bit far...? Why can't she just be polite on the doorstep as the kids are collected...? Then I get the defiance again...
And this man is very clever at being charming, convincing others that he's a nice guy (classic narcissist).

(I will add that I never rip apart their father in front of them, and I don't use my children as a weapon. I don't feel that's fair, and the way I see it, he'll expose himself to be who he is note, my teenager sees it in time, and I have to let my daughters make up their own minds. Much as I want to protect them, and much as I've sought advice from family services.)

Am I being unreasonable to feel that this is disrespectful towards me? That it makes a mockery of everything I went through??

There's much more that happens regarding my mum too, but no one seems to be able to see it because it never happens when they're around, and if it does, it gets laughed off...
For example, my mother seems to twist everything to make it look my fault. Then labels me dramatic (even though I don't feel that I can be if I'm calmly stating facts.) And Gossips about me behind my back too... even to my children...

Again... am I being unreasonable with how much this hurts me? Or am i indeed 'dramatic' as she keeps labelling me...?

YANBU

YANBU at all, If it were child a man did that to I'd want to kill him not give him cake

YANBU. I would stop sending my kids to her house.

my child*

Your Mother sounds like a nasty piece of work.

For example, my mother seems to twist everything to make it look my fault. Then labels me dramatic (even though I don't feel that I can be if I'm calmly stating facts.) And Gossips about me behind my back too... even to my children...

If I was in your position I'd stop contact with her, she's making your life very difficult.

Yanbu

It's not you it's them. Any chance you could move very far away from them all? Failing that personally I wouldn't facilitate contact by any means other than a contact centre.

Totally unacceptable for your mum to be offering him tea and cake, just ridiculous given what's gone on

On one hand of course you're not being unreasonable, she should take your side and not invite him in. On the other hand, and I speak as someone who grew up in an abusive home, you need to try to stop giving a shit at some point. Let it go. Don't give it heqdspace.

She's not going to change, you getting upset won't change her. Sometimes we need to be able to look at our parents, see their faults, dislike those parts of them intensely, and simply turn away after saying our piece.. For our own sanity. Harbouring resentment only damages us.

She has deeply unpleasant traits to her personality. It's who she is. It's really really not your fault or any form of reflection on you, it's all on her. The sooner you accept that, and I know it's easier said than done, thr happier you will be. Don't live your life being upset or resenting her. Just accept she's unpleasant and move along.

Sadly people don't need to sit a test to check they are thoroughly decent people before they procreate.💐

Thank you all for this, I've been questioning myself for a very very long time... wondering if it was just me that was the problem.

Our plan is to definitely move away soon, (which I've constantly had negativity for...) as I feel that my mother wants me to constantly seek her approval, which I will not do. She doesn't approve of us moving away, and has come up with negative reasons why.

Also gives us a bigger distance from the children's father, which means he won't be able to turn up and just take my youngest from school when I've tried to put my foot down for his unreasonable attitude.

(My youngest goes through feeling like she needs to please him because he's their dad, to feeling frightened if she doesn't go, because the next time she does, he shouts at her.) She had an accident on her arm two years ago which resulted in her needing surgery. She was in two days, he never bothered to visit her once. When she got out, he expected her to go for the weekend with him. I kept saying no, but he was adamant that she was going.
I even let him come into my house to see her, for him to promptly lump himself down onto my sofa beside her, landing on her newly sore arm. He got in her face and stared at her (it's quite menacing to deal with as an adult, let alone when you're 7) and kept saying she needed to come with him. Luckily my partner was here, and even he said that she was sore and groggy from surgery.
My ex got arsey to him and said "it's nothing to do with you mate.".
I asked him politely yet firmly to leave, then he was all different with my youngest and said "I'll see ya later babes. " with a babying undertone.

God, I wish I could just speak everything that's happened / still happening, this is like therapy , talking about this issue and realising fully that no matter what I do, I'll never be able to not be at fault in their eyes.

💜💜

My mum does similar , my ex was abusive physically and verbally to me abd our break up was hard ... we are amicable for our children now but my mum acts like she thinks he’s brilliant. They message on each other’s birthdays and chat like old friends .. it really annoys me when they know what he did to me. YANBU .... move away and be happy.