To consider DNA testing?

[Irrationalanxiety]

Our beautiful baby was born two weeks ago and I have been suffering with anxiety ever since, as everything seems too good to be true.

One irrational fear I cannot let go was set into motion by the fact that our baby doesn’t really seem to look like either of us. We can’t have managed to take the wrong one home (I believe it has happened!) as there are distinctive birth marks and I don’t remember leaving the baby unattended.

This led me to cast my mind back to a function I attended which culminated in a party in a hotel room. I drunk too much (and haven’t drunk since) and don’t remember the end of the night but did wake up in the room with several others. I have no reason to believe that anything happened - in fact those present said it didn’t. At the time I had the fear so badly before asking anyone that I took Levonelle the next day. I was around cycle day 10 of a 30 day cycle.

Two weeks later my period arrived early, and I conceived that cycle. My due date was determined over the course of several early scans due to bleeding and remained consistent to within a couple of days from six weeks through to the twelve week scan. It was a week behind what would have been calculated from LMP but this was expected due to my slightly longer cycles. Our baby was born the day after due date at 40+1.

It’s therefore surely impossible that I had conceived five weeks earlier, BEFORE my period, EVEN if something had happened which I’m sure I would never have done and EVEN if it had and the MAP had failed.

But, I had read online that embryonic diapause (delayed development) is frequent in some mammal species and there is an article citing one possible anecdotal case in a human woman, whose egg seneed to implant five weeks after IVF transfer. It didn’t seem hugely scientifically sound to me though and is the only example I can fine, although researchers found that the same phenomenon can happen if fertilised eggs of species who do not exhibit diapause are placed in the wombs of species who do.

At around this time I began taking ubiquinol (co-enzyme Q10) and my paranoid fear is that somehow this combined with the artificial hormones in the MAP triggered a response from my uterus which led to the egg being frozen in development until it implanted six weeks later when the HCG showed on a pregnancy test.

Or - of course this is nonsense and I conceived five weeks later as normal during one of the many times partner and I DTD during my fertile window.

I KNOW rationally it’s impossible for anyone other than DP to be the father, EVEN if I’d slept with someone four weeks earlier, which I didn’t anyway!

But this thought is taking over to the point that I am in tears each day and feel like I will lose my wonderful DP. Everyone says babies look like their fathers and I can’t say our’s does - in fact I constantly analyse features against other people who were there that night previously.

If I ask for a DNA test it would of course upset my DP and I think totally unnecessarily, but I am in absolute despair not being able to lay this to rest.

Would it be worth me seeing my GP about the anxiety instead?

Thank you if anyone has managed to read all of this! Any advice gratefully received

I couldve written this, not about this topic but the level of research, dedication and headspace I give my worries.

I have severe anxiety, and I think you do too.

Neither of my babies looked anything like me or DH, but they looked very much like each other at birth. They both changed a lot over the years.

I think you are worrying and fixating over this and completely overthinking. Some new mums focus on other things to worry about, please go and see your GP you do sound like you may be developing PND, so many people have been there before.

Please know that all will be ok, get the support you need so you can start relaxing and enjoying your little one.

Just woken up from a nap (posting this helped enormously even though I had to set up a new secret email and account to do so after much deliberation!)

am overwhelmed by the lovely replies and advice - and had a good giggle at some posts ie Winston Churchill (she doesn’t look like him either so maybe I was abducted by aliens and impregnated that way? 😂) I am feeling much much better having read the responses, I had expected an AIBU roasting

For the PP (so sorry not to mention you directly but don’t want to lose message I’m typing) who mentioned dystopian fiction, you are so right, I’ve built up my hypothesis with detailed research on progesterone... ATP... all sorts! 🧐

On a serious note though I know I do need to get help for the sake of my family and I. I have read briefly about Pure OCD now (something I’d not considered as thought of OCD more in the traditional ritual sense) and yes it does fit to a T. Since the birth (and truthfully probably before) I have run through a thousand obsessive worries before settling on this one as particularly all consuming. I also have tears about things that could happen to her and imagined medical problems.

I know we’ve bonded, I love her so much - the fleeting “baby mix up” worry left me fearing they’d take my baby away from me and exchange it for the biological one rather than seeing it the other way around

Medical professionals that have seen us since have commented on how well we are doing, that I seem to be coping really well, so these thoughts feel like a guilty secret.

Limon - I’ve never cheated to my knowledge but is a very legitimate question under the circumstances. I did get STI rested recently as became paranoid, it is a good suggestion

I will get help ASAP. I am concerned, probably wrongly, about it being on my medical record and any possible implications. Is it worth seeking help privately or is this outside realms of a counsellor and more of a combined psychotherapy/medication matter? I am by no means rich but have a little money left over from work commission before maternity leave I could use for more discreet help if needed.

Either way I’ll make a GP appointment Monday as I need to see them about something else in any case

Thank you all

OP please don’t worry about it being ‘on your record’. Without going into too much detail when I was pregnant I had a breakdown and ended up doing something silly; wound up in hospital. The doctors determined I had been under massive stress and was suffering with anxiety. I had to go to two follow up appointments with a counsellor and after that it wasn’t mentioned again. DS is now a strapping boy and HV’s, doctors etc have never said a word about that time - I assume because DS is very well loved and taken care of. SS were never involved.

Please go to the Doctor - your mental health is what’s important here. Feeling this way doesn’t make you an unfit mother or less loving towards your child.

And FWIW - DS looked like he’d been pickled when he came out! What an odd looking baby. He didn’t look like me until he was 6 months old and didn’t look like his dad at all until his adult teeth started coming in!

If it's on your record it's on about a million records. Very very common. Better to be seen to address health concerns (which is what it is) rather than avoid help.

Good luck OP. And

Oh bless you op sounds classic intrusive thinking to me (I suffered all my life)

Nothing any of us say will help, you'll keep repeating the cycle. You need to see your gp. They won't judge and they will probably give you medication and refer you for CBT.

You might be feeling like it's the most plausible idea ever, and even though everyone offers logical solutions you will always try and find a way around them.

Would your oh understand? Mine is amazing tbf. He puts up with all the paranoia.

Hope you get the help you need

Oh and btw none of my DC's look like oh. It's a standing joke that they're the postie's (our postman is a lovely -much- older man who I chat to far too much)

Speak to your GP but for illustration purposes my youngest was born with jet black hair, slanty slate grey eyes and yellowy skin. He now has white blond hair, huge brown eyes and white pale skin and is obviously just like his parents.

My babies both looked like aliens rather than either of us. Don't worry about it.

I posted the exactly same type of thread a couple of years ago, GP said it was a form of OCD (the compulsively trying to remember the drunk night and checking and comparing facial features) it was consuming all my thoughts all the time. please do make a GP appointment

OP - two things, firstly, having MH problems is common in the general population and even more so following birth and, secondly, seeking / accepting appropriate help is a very positive thing to do.

Our dd didn't look like either of us at birth and was nothing like ds either. She did look very like my dsis though which was strange, like she belonged to dsis.
When she got to 4 months that was it, she was ds's twin! And she is my double now and also has phases of looking like dh.

I was convinced dd was a boy too for my whole pregnancy and she followed a late miscarriage so I ignored my whole pregnancy and at birth didn't have that initial flood of love I had with ds, it was just too good to be true that she was healthy and she was here. I fell in love when she was happily chuckling at me while I was eating toast, she was around 4 months.

Sorry I went off on a tangent there
I think you should see GP though OP, your thoughts are very extreme and PND can manifest in many different ways.
Get to GP quickly so you can enjoy these early days, we've been having a clear out today and looking at dcs tiny tiny clothes, they grow so quickly, you don't need any negativity getting in the way.
Congratulations on your beautiful new baby

You poor thing! Your body is a train wreck of hormones and emotions, and it is very common to have anxiety issues after giving birth. One of the main issues with anxiety are intrusive thoughts that tie you up in knots. A silly thought can spiral into what feels like madness. You aren't going crazy and you WILL get through this. Your cortisol levels are really having a go at you (those are the flight or flight hormones that cause anxiety and panic attacks). If you can, try to do some gentle exercise to burn off that cortisol. Even clenching your muscles in your arms and legs, holding to the count of 5 and then releasing can help a lot. Do several reps right in a row if possible. I know how HORRIBLE anxiety can make you feel. It's awful but it will pass! And you have your beautiful new baby!

A lot of people think OCD is about compulsive cleaning and rituals but there is a manifestation like this with awful intrusive thoughts - it’s really debilitating.
It also responds really well to treatment - so please do contact your GP.

Most newborns look like screwed up red angry balls so unless you or your OH look like that, of course the baby doesn’t look like either of you... yet.

It sounds as though you are suffering from PND. Speak to your GP .

Omg I could have written your exact post!!

I was absolutely shitfaced in a ski resort about 3 weeks before I conceived. I was being a dick and flirting with guys and dancing on tables but knew nothing had actually happened.

Fast forward a few weeks (after completely unprotected sex with my DP 12 and 13 days into my cycle) and I found myself pregnant. I spent my entire pregnancy tying myself in knots, terrified that my baby would come out with brown eyes (genetically impossible for two blue eyed people like us!) or dark skinned or something.

For weeks after he was born I obsessed over every tiny thing about his appearance. I made a huge deal of pointing out features that were similar to my DPs, even if they weren't actually. My god, I was absolutely strung out, I didn't enjoy my pregnancy or the first month of my son's life.

He is his father's son, as it were. That much is now clear (he is 18 months) and I seriously regret not getting help in pregnancy.

It is a form of health anxiety and it is 100% treatable. OP please see your GP so you can get some help and get on with the business of snuggles and basking in the glow of being a mother to your husband's child! All the best :)

terrified that my baby would come out with brown eyes (genetically impossible for two blue eyed people like us!)

It’s not impossible at all - the genetics of eye colour is complicated and it’s very much possible for two blue eyed parents to have a brown eyed baby. Or one with darker skin.

(Pedantic geneticist;) )

I have a six month old. When she was just born i started with anxiety the kind where you fixate on one issue and can't let it go. Then as soon as you think you have 'solved that problem another one comes along that you cant let go of. Mine was her name I became obsessed with reasons why the one we had chosen was wrong and how I would never forgive myself if I didn't get the 'right' name, how I was failing her, how she was going ro be bullied etc ( her name is beautiful and i love ot which is why we chose it) once we had registered the birth and chosen a name I became obsessed with taking photos of every event, every outfit, everyone who ever held her etc . Basically it is all anxiety brought on by hormones I saw my GP and i am nuch more like my normal self again 6 months on. Please see yours and dont worry anymore your baby will be yours and your partners of course. Yes strange eyebrows are normal.

Definitely see GP about the anxiety.

For what it’s worth, my baby doesn’t look anything like me OR his Dad and he’s 100% ours. Not all babies particularly resemble either parent, it seems 🤷‍♀️ I sometimes wish he looked a bit more like me. I don’t know why.. I don’t even like the way I look. Maybe as he gets older he might start looking more like one of us? Who knows.

Quite a few months ago now but in the early days I couldn’t sleep, not when baby was awake and not when asleep, in fear he’d stop breathing if I did. It was harrowing and I started losing my mind, every time I closed my eyes I’d wake with a jump and frantically check the baby. Dark days. I have many other examples, but point is: it’s very easy to feel very overwhelmed, paranoid and anxious when you have a baby. Hormones, sudden huge responsibility etc. Seek support and be kind to yourself!

Newborns barely look like humans, I wouldn't worry about its features yet definitely speak to your GP about the anxiety though

Op, it’s anxiety BUT it’s not necessarily something to panic about and fairly common. I had terrible post partum anxiety. I went to see my gp because I had a spot on my nose and I was convinced that it was going to kill me with an infection! How embarrassing. He looked at me like I was totally mad. I was just convinced that either me or my baby would die and totally rationalise the reasons for this. Sleep deprivation made it much worse. After a few weeks it passed. I didn’t have or go onto develop PND. I’m not saying I was totally sound of mind at that time and it was unpleasant but I’d caution against panic that you have some sort of serious psychosis. You should speak to gp or health visitor and they can assess your situation.

Yes Anatidae my brother and I have dark brown eyes (like our maternal grandmother) and both parents have blue eyes. No doubt about parentage as I have my fathers distinctive features and my brother is very like our mum.

Just to add, that re birthmarks sometimes they appear quite a while after the birth so don’t fixate on that. All the best OP and do go see the GP for help/advice. Enjoy your little one x

My son looks like my brother who looks nothing like me. I'm like my Dad, he's like my mum. My daughter looks like H's sister. My granddaughter looks the spitting image of my daughter, who doesn't look like her brother. Confusing isn't the word.