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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not visit my DF for the last time?

24 replies

Kovou · 06/04/2018 13:35

Hi Everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster. I need to make a decision regarding whether to visit my DF for the last time before he passes and I would appreciate any advice that your lovely community may be able to provide. Be prepared it may be long as to avoid drip feeding!

I will try to give some backstory, which is quite complicated and messy. To start with my parent’s divorced when I was 13 due to my mothers bio-polar type 11 disorder and my father’s indiscretions. After they had decided to divorce for the final time, I was used as a pawn by DF in order to be granted more assets and better settlement.

Straight after the divorce, DF turned to alcohol, left cooking, cleaning and shopping up to me. I tried my best to support him, however a new love interest appeared, who I will call Bish. For background, Bish was from another country, with a son and elderly mother, she was temperamental to say the least and quite possessive of DF.

The relationship progressed at light speed pace, engaged in less than 6 months post divorce. I was upset one night after hearing them make love and the next day mentioned this to my father. He then pulled a knife to my neck whilst drunk and threatened me. After this I moved out and bounced between my sisters and my mothers until I stood up on my own at eighteen.

There was years of quite a strained relationship between DF and myself after this and he was never admitted that he pulled the knife on me. Biss has always been jealous and possessive of DF time and has created conflict between DF and his family. For instance she didn’t include myself or my sister in the wedding at all, we were relegated to the back of the reception and during her speech mentioned that it was “too late”confused. She tried to convince DF that DSis was a hypochondriac, DF couldn’t spend time with anyone else and questioned whether Dsis suicide attempt was legitimate etc.

After really trying to build a relationship with her whilst I temporarily lived with them when 24, (She tried to refuse this), she then started bullying me online once I left via a fake account. I then told DF, who refused to believe me. Due to DF always taking her side, previous trauma and not prioritising our relationship, I chose not to invite him to my wedding.

He was obviously upset and we didn’t talk for a couple of years, until he had a stage five, terminal cancer diagnosis. I then tried to be there for him and spent the next six months visiting (via plane) to try a make amend and help out. Biss seemed open to mending bridges however she sent me an email in which she blamed DF’s cancer on me and abusing me for not inviting DF to my wedding.

Since then she hates me again and makes everything about herself. She tried to stop me visiting DF in hospital and almost divorced DF due to my visit. Because of her antics I decided that it’s best for DF health (as he is bitterly upset when she threaten’s to leave him) that I don’t visit and just call and let him know I love him and will be there the moment he asks.

He was only days left and hasn’t asked for me. AIBU to not visit him for the last time?

OP posts:

Aridane · 06/04/2018 13:40

You mention sisters - are they in contact with DF?

DingDongDenny · 06/04/2018 13:46

Do whatever would be best for you. Would you feel better seeing him? or would it cause you more pain? would you regret it if you didn't

Because he really doesn't deserve your love or concern and you owe him nothing. So do whatever is least painful for you

Original poster

Kovou · 06/04/2018 13:51

My Sister (only one) has always stayed in contact with DF and is currently staying at DF's house to support Biss as DF requested it. She wants to be there in the end due to in her word "being a control freak and wanted to have a say in the funeral.'

I thought I had made my choice and only go if he requested it but am feeling quite sad and conflicted.

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 06/04/2018 13:53

I had an extremely complicated relationship with my df. I didn’t see him when everyone rushed to say goodbye but I did go at the very end when I was too late.
I don’t have regrets about not seeing him before although I know other members of my family do.
You have to just trust your own judgement on it. It sounds complex and painful

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/04/2018 13:56

Do what works best for you. Your DF will not be around for her to terrorise and you don't have to give a flying fuck about her feelings as she is an utter irrelevance.

Original poster

Kovou · 06/04/2018 14:03

Thanks everyone for your input, its such a hard choice.

icelollycraving I am sorry you also have a complicated relationship with your DF. I have am in the same boat as even if I leave tomorrow it may be too late. Due to the timing of the funeral, distance and costs if he passes before I arrive, I would have to stay for five days until the funeral.

OP posts:

Aridane · 06/04/2018 14:05

Can you go with your sister present throughout? That way you get to see your DF whilst shielded a bit from Bish?

mselastic · 06/04/2018 14:05

It sounds like the issues are more to do with his partner and not him.

If he was single, would you visit him?

I was in a similar situation and after much agonding I decided to visit. I got lots of abuse after the visit. However, I don't regret going as I know there is no chance of reconciliation and I can get on with my life (albeit with the shame of being estranged)

mselastic · 06/04/2018 14:06

How do you know he hasn't requested it? He may not be well enough/his partner may not have passed the message on etc

Dutchoma · 06/04/2018 14:14

I would go. If you do and the visit does not turn out well, the hurt of that will pass. If you don’t go ther may be the regret that it is too late, too late. You would do it for yourself, not your father.

Original poster

Kovou · 06/04/2018 14:17

mselastic My Dsis is also visiting almost every day and she made sure he is aware that I will be there in an instant if he asks. I think that the issue is mainly with Bish but also with DF for allowing Bish to harm myself and other family members without stopping it.

Aridane Thats the only way I would go but she (DSis) seems to think its better not to see him like this.

Sorry everyone, I know its really up to me at the end of the day but in a weird way, its nice to know that I am not the only one that has had to face this terrible dilemma.

OP posts:

supersop60 · 06/04/2018 14:23

Would you regret NOT seeing him? Would it give you some closure on all the family history if you could say goodbye?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/04/2018 14:24

If YOU want to, and you don't HAVE to, then go! Sod anyone who tells you "It's for the best" or any other form of "No!"

But you equally could just say that it is all just too much overly controlling crap, Bish, DF and DSis all! And so bollocks to them all.

There is no right or wrong way to feel about your situation!

Good luck working out what is right for YOU!

twer · 06/04/2018 14:28

It's a horrible dilemma OP and i really feel for you.

I think I would ask myself "in many years time, will I regret not going ?" Answer: likely yes.

"In many years time, will I regret going?" Answer: probably not.

So difficult

MaMisled · 06/04/2018 14:30

I'd say that if you think it's possible you may regret not going, then go. Insure yourself against self reproach. Your father will be comfortable and looked after, it's your feelings you must consider now.

mselastic · 06/04/2018 15:45

So it is possible your father doesn't want you to see him as he isn't in a good way? If he hasn't requested it and your dsis thinks it is better not to see him like this.

mselastic · 07/04/2018 19:33

How are you and have you decided yet?

zebrano · 09/04/2018 21:02

I think there's an unfair societal expectation that you should go and see your parent before they pass on. This man held a knife to your throat and threatened you, amongst other things.

I think you'll be fine if you don't decide to go. You'll probably grieve but more for the father you should have had, rather than the one you had.

MrsCrabbyTree · 10/04/2018 02:28

I had to decide whether to see my dad as he was dying or go to his funeral and chose the latter as I believed my stepmum would be with him during those final hours.

It was the hardest of decisions and to be honest you can't know in advance how you will feel down the road. You can only do what you think best at the time. Trust yourself and don't ever second guess the decision you made.

Perfectly1mperfect · 10/04/2018 02:38

Obviously you have to do what is right for you.

If this was me though, I wouldn't want to see him after everything he has done. You are his daughter yet he treated you like no human being should treat another. I am very hard when it comes to matters like this though due to my own experiences.

Twogoround · 10/04/2018 05:16

Do you need to see and tell him. Everything you feel . Xxx .

Twogoround · 10/04/2018 05:17

Sorry about xxx had a brain fart

GoldenMcOldie · 10/04/2018 06:07

I have spent years of NC with my parents. I grew up in a violent household as the child of two high functioning alchoholics. By the time I reached adulthood I was so, so pissed off with my parents and their inability to be proper parents I went NC. Whilst NC I fretted, ruminated and was generally very bitter and upset by the whole situation.

One day I woke up and I realised that as an adult with my own beautiful family, there was no need to carry on with the vendetta (which going NC invariably is). There is a liberation in forgiveness which I could never have understood without the benefit of going through this.

I think you will greatly regret not saying goodbye while you have the chance. It doesn't have to be drawn out. A short visit. An exchange of warm and kind words and you will leave your father with kindness.

When it comes to kindness - I have realised that it doesn't need to take one to know one. To be kind and compassionate, even when it is ill-deserved invariably benefits the giver as much as the receiver.

ChickenMom · 10/04/2018 06:10

If it was me,I wouldn’t. Not after everything he’s done. You aren’t obliged to go and that Bish woman is horrific. I’d stay away and make my own peace with his passing. It’s all just too painful otherwise. He wasn’t a good DF. He was barely a F! Don’t try and rally round Bish when he’s gone either. She doesn’t deserve your support.

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