AIBU to ask for some advice for DP

[Aloneandscared25]

Bit of background
Basically been together ( at times on and off ) since age 11 known each other since we were 6.
Now Lateish 20s, 2 kids married.
5 years ago the birth of DD ( youngest of 2 ) changed our life’s forever as she was extremely sick and still is.
This meant me having to leave my career behind and him being sole income earner.
He has a rewarding job but suppose doesn’t go far with living in London for DDs treatment.
Ds is 11 and starting secondary school this year.
Now he is a wonderful man, wonderful father and really is my best friend who I love more than anything.
Recently we ran in to financial difficulty as Our help for DD was stopped and we have been fighting it over a mistake made 3 years ago.
I then discovered I was pregnant, but unfortuntly she was born sleeping.
This is still v recent and v raw but he has taken it exceptionally hard.
He blames himself for everything he blames himself for not having a better job to bring more money in which in turn meant recently since CTC issue he has had to work all hours, so I have been dealing with DD and DS alone ( a lot of hospital admissions and daily cares at home )
He has gone in to over drive, won’t stop or sit still.
Won’t touch me ( hug, hold or anything )
He won’t really talk to me much he just keep saying sorry.
We really need “ daddy back “ the kids miss him I miss him.
Most of all I have obviously been sad and heart broken to I just want us to hold each other !

God I don’t have any helpful advice but I’m sure someone who does will post soon, but really, you seem to be keeping yourself and the kids together wonderfully given the circumstances, and attempting to keep your family together.
Cliche but would he take up some councilling? Serious hand hold for you

Sorry for all you have both been through

He sounds like his MH is quite fragile and a visit to the GP might be an idea if he would countenance it.

Have you had any bereavement counselling for your loss? Has your DH?

I understand you are looking for comfort from him but I don't think he is in a position to give it at the moment. Can you find support from your wider family and friends? Does your DH have a mate who can take him out for a walk / pint ?

As for your fight over CTC are you trying to handle this on your own? Could you go to Citizen's Advice (CAB) and get some help with it. I think you need to get support wherever you can right now.

Sorry for your loss op
It sounds like your DH is not coping with what has happened. I would say GP is first port of call. Can you ask the hospital where your little one was born if they offer bereavement counselling?
Glad he has you, take care of each other

Don't want to read and run. So quickly want to say your DH needs to talk to someone. unfortunately if he's anything like my DH he will avoid his pain.

My DH has kept going until he was physically unable to - 18 months. Luckily he has private healthcare and was able to see someone. He was self diagnosing M.E.. The Dr has suggested counselling because there was nothing wrong with him physically, but based on the monumental events that have happened in our lives in the last 2.5 years. All in quick succession, he hasn't given himself a chance to grieve.

It sounds really similar to what your family us going through. Keep the lines of communication open, but he will have to be ready to address his issues. It does take time and I'm sorry. All I did was keep talking. Which he didn't like but he's now grateful for.

Do you have a charity thst is to do with what is wrong with your child . Can they help.
Are therr any still birth charity .that could help you .
The carers charity for your eldest do a lot with young carers and they can help you .
carers.org/

So sorry for your loss OP Agree with PP your DH needs to talk to someone and let it all out. He needs to be reminded you are a team. He isn't solely responsible for his family's happiness and well-being. He needs to be reminded how much you love and admire him for everything he is doing but that in turn you are doing just as much and that's precisely why you are a team. But he definitely needs support to find a way to articulate his stress right now. If it were me I would begin by initiating a hug at least. I think he's scared that if he stops he will break and the implications for you all if he does, are in his mind, disastrous. But sometimes we all need to reach for the bottom to begin to heal and journey back up to the top. I really hope things improve for you all v soon

It’s so heart breaking seeing him like this his normally a cheeky calm collected kind of guy I just wish I could get through to him.
He just keeps apologising saying he will never forgive himself.

Can you give him a hug do you think? And start from there? So sorry you are all having such a hard time. Life can be bloody tough but it does have a habit of surprising you in a good way when you least expect it! Really hope things turn a corner for you soon...

Get him to a GP to ask for a referral to Talking Therapies. This is a great technique for controlling negative thoughts. With any kind of MH wobble, the sooner it’s treated, the easier it is to stop.