For wanting some help??

[kentgirl1]

I have a 6 month old, lovely little boy but draining as still wakes up every 1.5-3 hours in the night. Partner doesn't help out at night at all, says it's because he works and I'm at home, so I should be able to catch up on sleep when Baby naps. I'm on "maternity leave" and that's for it's for, to look after the baby. AIBU to want just a little bit of help sometimes, for just 1 morning every so often for him to say "I'll take the baby, you go back to bed for a few hours".

YANBU. Extra naps during the day don't make up for the lack of a long unbroken sleep. It is draining and your husband probably doesn't realise that because he's never experienced it. My DH does the same - sleeps all night because he has to go to work and leaves me to handle the baby. It's selfish imo and has negatively impacted my love and respect for DH.

@GrumpyPantz agree, a hours nap doesn't help when you've been up 10 times in the night! I'm not asking for help all the time. Just once in a while to be considered would be nice!

YANBU - as Grumpy says, your DP in all likelihood has no idea how draining sleep deprivation is (there's a reason the UN classify it as a form of torture....)

Even if during the week your DP needs to sleep properly to function at work the next day, what about the weekends? Back in the day DH got up with the DC on Friday and Saturday nights and tried to let me sleep in as long as possible on Saturday and Sunday mornings so that I could re-charge at least a bit. Even DH walking the DC in the pram to the shop to buy a newspaper gave me a chance to be my own person for a brief period and catch up slightly on some rest

YANBU. Sleep deprivation is a serious thing - I had the same with both my two for their first 12 months and it's debilitating.

He should want to help out once in a while - you say he works but is that 7 days a week? You should be able to reach a compromise here, perhaps he could one night when he isn't working or one of the feeds a few nights a week to let you have some more 'blocks' of sleep. I found if I could get a few blocks of 5 hours (say 8pm to 2am) with DH doing the 11pm feed with expressed milk, things were much better. He could still get his 7/8 hours and I felt less like a zombie. Remember this is a relative short period to get through too (usually) as baby will probably start sleeping for longer periods after weaning. Good luck OP, we've all been there!

YANBU definitely! I’m on mat leave currently with a 9wk old and a 14mth old so I know where you’re coming from, albeit mine are pretty decent sleepers so I’m not as much of a zombie as I was the first time around, but you need some kind of compromise with DH. Mine works in construction so I don’t expect him up at night during the week because I don’t want him faffing about with tools and heavy machinery when he’s not 100% but on weekends he’s the first one up with the kids and generally leaves me to have a well deserved sleep in until 9-10am which makes a world of difference.

Can your DH do something similar?

What happens at weekends/days off?

He’s being a lazy arse. Sort this out quickly otherwise it will become normal.

I'd also like to know what happens in weekends.

Sounds like my XH - so when do you get a break exactly? It’d be lovely to sign off at lets say 6pm and say, “well that’s my working day done, you’re on your own until 9am tomorrow DC”!

The whole catching up when the baby’s asleep is a load of crap - I couldn’t just fall asleep in the small snippets of nap time, no matter how tired I was - plus that was the only chance I had to go to the loo/take a quick shower/eat something/breathe.

Your DP is being a twat.

YANBU.

He doesn't even have baby for a few hours?! How selfish of him. When do you get a break? And what's going to happen when your maternity leave ends - will he deem baby ready to raise itself as obviously you'll be working and clearly it's too hard to both work and raise a child? Is he actively involved in parenting decisions like how to wean or whether to sleep train or what nursery to choose or how to discipline etc?

With my fairness hat on - Was he involved through the pregnancy and seem excited? Could it be a fear of not doing things right? Do you let him make his own mistakes when parenting?

In my friendship group we all seem to have respectful husbands and partners that understand that motherhood is relentless, maternity leave is not a holiday and they help out. We'll no, they don't 'help', they co-parent as any decent parent does. I don't have to ask my DH, he just parents alongside me and we raise our baby together, pretty seamlessly.

I have one friend who's husband is a useless so and so and she's always saying how lucky we are that our partners are actively involved as it's not 'normal' for them to be so hands on - I want to tell her that actually the issue is that she married a lazy buffoon who isn't interested in their own daughter and it is symptomatic of other issues in their relationship but its not really my place to say...

You really need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Find out why he's not helping. Nip it in the bud now. Its only going to get worse and you don't want to raise a son that thinks that this sort of attitude is OK.

I'm going against the tide here, though it very much depends on what your husband does for a living. Some jobs require 100% attention at all times - front line NHS, teaching, police, anything involving prolonged driving etc.

On mat leave with all 3 of mine I did all the night shifts as DH did all the driving and needed to be fully on at work, but I made it very clear it would be split 50/50 the day I started work f/t again.

The thing is, being at home was easier than DH's f/t job, even in a zombie state. I could rest during the day and take things slowly.

Equality doesn't have just one answer.

Yanbu. My dh did most of the nights because I was with the baby all the live long day and therefore sick of being with the baby.

He did the bedtime too as this was his time with them. He still does that now and the youngest is eleven. Or he’d hardly see her during the week.

Yanbu. He could easily do the first night wake up or get up early and do one then before work. You should also be getting at least one lie in at the weekend plus he should do at least one night e.g. Friday or Saturday so you can catch up. I have said this on here before but it bears repeating - I am sick of this idea that just because someone isn't at work they don't need to sleep. It's ridiculous. I am also horrified at the number of men who seem happy to let their other halves suffer as long as they get their 8 hours. It's so incredibly selfish. I have to say, if my DH had this attitude I would seriously be considering the future of my marriage and I definitely wouldn't have any more children with him.

He works shift work (days and nights) so has random days off. He works for the emergency services, and I don't expect him to help when he's due to go on duty as he needs to sleep to be alert for work. But when he has a block of days off, he doesn't offer to even get up with Baby in the morning. I'm still BF, so he says he can't help at night as he can't help with feeding, although I said Baby doesn't always wake up to be fed!!
He loves Baby so much and always wants to spend time with him. But if it interferes with his sleep, then definitely not!! We had a bit of a argument yesterday when friends were round, and he said himself he had very old fashioned views (his Mum was a SAHM, never worked, doesn't drive etc) so that's how he was bought up. So even though we kind of had it out yesterday, he won't change his view.

Your OH sounds like mine. He was like a Victorian male, seemed to want to emulate his DF parenting style and was proud to tell his friends he didn't do nappies or baths. I didn't mind the nights as all my DC were EBF and my OH is in a difficult job and is oncall at times too and couldn't go into work tired. However I really had to put my foot down about his lack of support over weekends and his expectations that me being off would mean, tidy house, cooked meals etc. It led to alot of arguments. Aa your baby is 6mths it is perfectly reasonable to expect your DH to get up with your little one at the weekend and head off to the park to let you sleep. You need to put your foot down and tell him that from now on you need one lie in a week and expect no complaints from him! YANBU

@spacecadet48 he does change his nappy and give him baths. When it comes to the baby, he'll do anything for him. The issue seems to be with me, he doesn't seem to care that I struggle. Then he moans we don't have sex much!! Well that's probably because I go to bed at 8pm and I'm exhausted!!!

I've recently put DS on more of a schedule which is helping. I only got up a few times in the night and I can cope with that. It's just the blatant disregard for what looking after DS entails. He doesn't understand that when he's teething or just having a day that he's crying and moaning all day, that it's hard work!! I think he thinks we have a jolly easy time every day! 🙄