AIBU or is this child & mum bad news?!

[accepting]

Theres a boy in my DC's class who finds ANY excuse to get my DC in trouble. He pretends to have tripped over my DC's foot and exaggerates every little thing my DC says or does. His mum has even come to school to complain about my DC's "behaviour". But the truth is its my DC who is suffering. My DC has tried to be friends with this child to avoid making problems but that child said he "wasn't interested".

The child's mother finds no fault in her son whatsoever and acts nice to my face but behind my back shes exaggerating stories to the school and making my child out like he's a really horrible person when he really isn't!

This child has always been putting my DC down and showing off to him about what he and his family own, and how expensive his clothes are and how great he is! My DC got fed up and decided to find a new friend...thats when this child decided that my DC needed to be taught a lesson and made his school days hell!

I'm upset because i never considered to tell the school about this child as i thought "they are just kids!" But when i found out that the mum has been making a big deal to the school about her child i felt quite hurt and betrayed! I also feel like i have let my own DC down.

What do i advise my son now?
He's REALLY worried about returning to school after the Easter Break as he is so concerned about what problems this child has lined up for him.

The situation is really horrible and i'm not sure what i should do really!

Have had similar with a boy who would encourage ds to do inappropriate things (easily led due to sen) and then tell on him so he was getting in trouble. I discussed it with the teacher and the two were separated, apparently he is doing it to another child now

You will need to speak to the teacher when he goes back and say your Ds has mentioned a few incidents with X and has the teacher observed any bullying as your DS has been very upset?

It will hopefully set the teacher on guard to watch out for repeats

On one occasion my DC was trying to speak him normally and he tells my DC to "shush" and so my child is embarrassed and replies "shut up".

The child AND mother are in school office next day saying my DC has been using bad language in school!

The number of times this child has provoked my child and led to him being in trouble is ridiculous !

I keep telling my child to focus on his education and ignore this boy but thats not working at all!!!! Especially as this boy will PURPOSELY walk past my son and PRETENDS to have been tripped over by my DC. When my son was telling me this i was shattered!!! Why would another child go through SO much effort to get another child in trouble like that?!!

Btw I'm 100% sure my child did not trip him over as i could see the horror and disbelief in my DC's face when he was telling me this! He was so confused and upset by it!

It’s very sad for your Ds, but your best course of action is to be his advocate in school to make sure they see both sides of the story.

Does DS have any other friends to back up his side of it when these things happen?

If not it may be worth encouraging some new friendships so he is not alone and an easy target.

I will be speaking to the teacher, the problem is some of these things are happening in the play ground and at lunch times. One occasion was during a school trip.

I did try speaking to the teacher, but i felt like shes been listening to the other child's mum complain a lot more. The teacher did say that my child is a very polite and sensible but she did not comment about the other child. Just heard our side of the story and asked us to make sure shes made aware of any incidents in the future.

I feel like i had left it all too late and this child is taking advantage of the situation and pushing my child to be someone hes not.

I fear all this finger pointing is affecting my child's self esteem. He has been so moody lately and complaining about not been able to have friends. Its really breaking my heart!

Since this child turned on him he's been trying to fit in with the naughty kids in class who "back him up" sometimes... but that didn't help at all. The new found friendship is now bringing new problems, as my child is becoming easily distracted now in class and not interested in his school work.

I feel like such a mess!

Poor DS it must be really horrible for him if he is being isolated by this boy, it really does sound like bullying in which case it may be worth progressing to the head to ensure they are dealing with it.

It may be tempting to confront the other mum but if you do so you will look like the aggressor, which wont help your child’s case.

I really hope things improve for him

Thank you for taking interest and for your advice!

I feel a little better writing all this...now i need to get ready for some serious talk with the school when we get back.

Any advice on how i can boost my child's confidence and how i can talk to him about this?

I would be really onto the school and asking them to keep them separate at break times. Back it up with a letter. I would be using the word bullying and I would not let it go until it was sorted. Don’t bother with the Mum, it’s the school’s responsibility to keep your child safe.

Honestly I wish I could help, DS has sen and really struggles with making friends.

How old is Ds? I used to say to mine that if he had noone to play with he should stand still and look around for someone else who was alone and go and ask if they could play together, this did work a few times for him.

I know the school cant force anyone to play with him but I do expect and demand that all instances of bullying are dealt with, my only issue being that DS doesnt report things until it is too late (last month he was pushed and called an idiot on the playground but didnt tell me until the next week, so it was hard for the school to follow up on it).

Maybe encouraging your DS to be vocal when this child is being unkind, making sure to report it in return so his behaviour isnt going unnoticed will help.

Does he go to any after school clubs? I have found this has helped ds to make friends from other classes that he can at least meet up with at play time.

I also take DS to martial arts, as it is an excellent tool for building discipline and confidence.

While I dont advocate violence, I am also thinking it will be helpful for DS to be able to defend himself physically as he gets older. He has since made friends with two other boys in the playground when they saw him practising some moves by himself and also do martial arts, so it was a common interest. Sometimes they all do “practice” together at play time

He still has occasional issues but to be honest as a parent sometimes you have to watch them try for themselves.

I would keep going back to the school until it's resolved.

Firstly school will be aware of what 'these' parents and children are like and they will have witnessed similar children doing exactly what you describe

I would stick with statements like 'my child says' 'my child feels' 'my child thinks'

So along the lines of 'my child is worried about being in class' 'my child is concerned he's getting getting into trouble' 'my child feels upset about cimming into schools '

Do not point the finger at the bother child - the teacher should be concerned about your child's welfare

They aren't stupid!! Give them chance. Be polite and factual.

I know it's hard and emotional when it's your child, but be business like!

You need to talk to your son and tell him that you are listening to everything he says, writing it all down ( and do this as it’s so easy to forget things) and then you are going to go into school and stop this. Tell,him you are on his side and that you are going to keep going to school until this is stopped. He needs to feel that you are going to fight his corner and be strong for him.
Try and have some fun in the holidays with him. Do things he likes. How about trying to get one of the boys from his class to come over to play one afternoon or , if funds are sufficient, take them to the beach for an ice cream or to a park and then to maccys or whatever you like to do.
Then.....arm yourself. Go onto the schools website and find their anti bullying policy. Print it off. They will have a section full of different types of bullying. Write down any of these that apply to the incidents where your son has been affected then give the example of what happened. Highlight the types of bullying on the print out- look like you know what you are on about and that you mean business!
Then, first day back make an appointment ASAP with the headteacher. You have seen the teacher and you don’t seem to have received any support for your son since the incidents are still happening. So just don’t bother goimg through her. Your son is frightened of going back to school- this is head teacher level of involvement.
Then tell the head what you have told us. Tell him/her that you haven’t been into school every week about this boy because you hoped that it would just be a short term /kids bad behaviour problem. BUT Mr Headmaster, you realised just how serious this was during the holidays when you had a long talk with your boy and realised the dreadful negative effect this boys behaviour is having on your son and you are not happy that, despite you speaking to the class teacher, you have a child who is not wanting to come back to school. Obviously I don’t know what the head will say but as soon as he starts with ‘ maybe it’s not all one sided’ and ‘ well Mrs A and her son tell a different story ‘ then whip out your highlighted bullying policy and state that since YOUR son is being bullied by this other child you expect the school to act quickly, decisivly and appropriately.
I would insist on my child being separated from this other boy immediately- if they have one class by year then you don’t want him on the same table in lessons, he needs to be on a different table at lunch, not to be out into the same working team during lessons and not to be on the same team in PE. Make it quite clear that you expect your child to be watched during lunch and playt8me too to ensure this victimisation of your child stops NOW.
Be firm. Pull on your big girl pants and go in there and fight for your son. I had to do this for DD . A girl in her class had form for bullying and decided my dd ( the new girl) was going to be her next victim. Unfortunately for the bully she didn’t realise that she was taking me on as well and I will go into school every single day if I have to to ensure that my dd is safe and happy.
Don’t take any shit - this is your child you are sticking up for. Don’t be scared of the other kids mother or the teacher or the head.
I really really hope you get this sorted. But the best advice I can give you is make your son feel secure and go 8nto school prepared. Remember, the school will wantnthis sorting- they have to document every complaint about bullying so if you go in and they don’t sort it ( give them 72 hrs) then go back. OFSTED check these records and if they have incident after incident where they haven’t stepped appropriately in then OFSTED will want to know why.
So just keep going back until it is sorted and your boy is happy. And so this other kid has been shown to be the bully , not the victim.
Good luck fellow Mummy!

I think I love you yorkshireyummymummy. I plan to channel your no bullshit, child protecting instinct next time DS has an issue

Wow! Thank you all! And yorkshiremummy i really needed that!

Part of why i feel so rubbish was because the past few weeks whenever my child came home and told me he was in trouble at school i would immediately turn against him and tell him to fix up his attitude! Only when i listened i realised he was been treated horribly and his behaviour was only a form of retaliation!

He feels like he has "no friends" and hes been finding new ways to get attention by being cheeky in class...its got the class giggling and the teacher unhappy!

Whilst i understand that his behaviour in class needs to go back to how its always been "polite, sensible, self motivated and hard working"...i do now realise his behaviour is a cry for help! He wants to feel accepted in his class. He just wants to feel like hes got friends and its not been easy on him especially as he's had to move schools several times and hes only 8 years old.

I think tomorrow i will sit him down and apologise to him if i hadnt been listening to him properly and reassure him that i am on HIS side and will do what i can to support him till i know the bullying has stopped.

I will try to build his confidence and make sure he knows how much we love and care for him.

Thank you...i really appreciate all the help and advice i can get!

I was feeling so down and lonely all week because of this.

Wishingonanbar ❤️
accepting. The most important thing you can do during these holidays is ask your child for his forgiveness and tell him you PROMISE to always listen to him from now on. Then spend as much time as you can with him, rebuild his confidence a little before he goes back to school. But knowing now that he has you on his side and that you are going to fight for him will make him feel better. And do fight for him. He sounds lovely. Don’t forget to be prepared, write things down that you want to say because as soon as you are in the headmasters office we are all programmed to be terrified and do as we are told. So make sure you have everything written down and highlighted ( in different colours too! ). Make sure you know the name of the chair of the school governors and if you have to , then ask if he/she can be present at a meeting. Go in like you mean business because you DO. THis is your child’s self esteem , confidence and memories you are fighting for. We all know how, if you have a bad time at school, it can fuck you up as a; adult. GO GIRL!!