To think that watching porn every evening is too much?

[DevastatedGirlfriend]

Looking for advise really.

I've been with my DP for two years, living together for 6 months. Since moving in together our sex life has decreased dramatically - we're lucky if we have sex once every couple of weeks. This is due to him not initiating or telling me he is 'too tired', also that he has a low sex drive at times. He has also been acting more withdrawn and insular since we moved in together. He has been very secretive with his phone, laptop etc.

This morning I decided to do some digging because I suspected he may be having an affair. I had a look on his laptop and found he'd been looking at tons of pornography sites - every single evening! Sometimes into the early hours of the morning. Some of the time when I am lying in bed next to him!

I confronted him about it and we ended up having a massive row as he said 'every bloke he knows watches porn' and I am in the wrong for snooping on him. AIBU to think that having sex so infrequently but watching porn every evening is not normal?!

I'm very laid back in general but this would upset me porn is not a replacement of your partner. He is selfish and uncaring

Possible cock lodger?

I don't think the odd wank with porn or not is an issue. It's different to sex and regular porn is not abuse of women. People who say it is simply want to control the world and other women in it.

When porn and masturbation impact real life then it becomes an issue.

Only you know if it's an issue you're prepared to work at with him or if it's too much for you.

@katand2kits

it is highly likely that he is wanking to sexualized violence against women

No it isn't.

No it's not normal, and most men aren't wanking to porn every night while declining a lovely sex life with their partner.
Not nice.

Enough to make a woman drier than the Sahara...

You've only been together for 2 years. It shouldn't be like this. Your relationship is dead in the water if your man is so desensitised he can only get off on porn. He is entirely addicted there's no hope for him. There is hope for you, though. Don't let your sense of self be diminished by this silly, disrespectful, crude man.

He needs work widen his friendship circle. Not every man watches porn and certainly not at this frequency

Please don’t think for a second that this is normal behaviour.

I don’t want to focus on the rights and wrongs of porn, as I don’t think this is the real issue.

The issue is that he isn’t able to have a normal relationship with you because he is spending so much time watching porn.

Been in this type of relationship before - could never prove he was watching porn but I'm certain of it. Will get worse and you'll end up having sex once every 4 months or so. Will end up destroying your self-esteem and you'll be told it's your fault for not dressing or acting sexier. Trust me, there's no saving someone like this.

I was adamant that I would never say this, but on this occasion I believe it’s the best possible advice - LTB.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Whatever your view on porn, his behaviour is destroying your relationship. He clearly has a decent sex drive, yet he is applying that to porn.

If other aspects of your relationship is good and this is something you want to save, the only way forward is to tell him things must change or it’s over. This may be enough for him to respond positively and by that I mean refraining from porn and masturbation, and focussing his lust entirely on you... (he can masturbate again once things are ok between you). If he’s serious about the relationship, he’ll do this. If not, there’s no future for you and you need to end it.

There've been so many threads about this type of behaviour. 2 rl friends have experienced it. As far as I can see, porn-addicted men do not give up watching. The compulsion must be extremely powerful, as they'll risk their relationships for it. I don't know if it would upset you to view some of the threads, OP.

I'm not anti-porn, if a man watched on occasion I'd not have much to say. But a man who watches compulsively and to the extent he doesn't want a real life sexual relationship with his partner? That type of man is just too far gone. One day you will find him repulsive. & he has also stupidly replaced a real relationship with fantasies and stories of women solely as sexual objects to be used for a man's sexual needs only.

Get away from home and build a brand new life for yourself. I'm not suggesting that's easy. But it can be done.

Better to waste just 2 years of your life on him than 20 years

Cut your losses and leave now.

I rarely give advice to end a relationship based on a short paragraph of your life but I promise you that this will not get better. He will just hide it better. Leave him and find someone better; he shouldn't be in a relationship.