to speak to my mother about my sister

[Hottoddy1]

Can't decide if I'm being unreasonable and a bit precious or not. I'm in my thirties with young kids and a job. Parents live reasonably locally (1.15 drive approx) I have a sibling a few years younger who is also married and I have a good relationship with, no issues there. The problem is with my DSIS who was born when I was a teen and mum was in her mid-forties. We got on fine when she was little and I honestly don't remember being jealous at all in fact used to babysit and pick her up from childcare although I wouldn't say I felt this was excessive. Then I moved away to university and tbh probably didn't think about her a great deal a bit too preoccupied with my own stuff.

She was a fairly unpleasant teen from the outside very moody and sometimes really nasty to my parents. She did well at school though and seemed to save the worst of her behaviour for the family. Parents have always babied her and I have resented this. Example while I used to have fights with my mother about helping around the house (the fact that I didn't do enough) DSIS has never been expected to lift a finger. Mum waited on her hand and foot until she left home. Maybe she'd just got more realistic about teenagers.

Fast forward a few years and DSIS is an adult away at university studying for the same career as me. She phones mum constantly and seems to require lots of emotional and practical support; for example driving 3 hours to where she is at uni quite a few times to take her out for lunch because she is finding things tricky. She phones mum constantly and moans about how difficult she is finding it. When at home after exams mum runs around after and waits on her hand and foot as she mostly sits in her room watching netflix. Recently she had exams and I snapped at my mum because she was telling me how worried DSIS was about the exams and I just got completely fed up with hearing about her. She also has never had a paying job yet manages to go long haul holidays twice this year. I did a fair amount of travelling during uni time but was also constantly doing low paid work to pay for it, sometimes to the detriment of my grades so I know they give her significantly more money than I had at university.

I just feel a bit fed up. I did some more professional exams 2 years ago when I had a 2 year old. I don't like to make a big deal of things but my parents knew I was doing them and still never asked or offered to help with babysitting so I could study or anything. Now I'm asked to be super sympathetic at another set of DSIS uni exams (not finals or anything and the career we both do has lots of exams to do) They do help with childcare but mostly if asked. My mums someone who loves babies and I always thought she would be really into grandchildren but although she spends time with my 2 and will babysit if asked I feel her heart isn't totally in it.

I don't really know what to do though as I also think my parents (now in their 60's) are tired from dealing with all this and probably don't need me giving them more emotional angst. At the same time I feel it's going to affect my relationship with DSIS as I see them constantly still dancing around her. I appreciate that although DSIS is technically an adult she is still very young (21) so maybe I ought to cut them and her some slack and be the proper adult. I think what I'd really like is for them to not place her quite so much at the centre of everything but to spend more time with their grandchildren. AIBU to speak to them about this?

I can see why you would want to say something to your parents but I don’t think any good would come of it, especially I f they’re stressed out and tired dealing with your sister. Just ask your mum to help with childcare if you need it, and try to steer the conversation away from your sister. Good luck!

They brought her up differently from you. That’s not her fault.

They run round after her and give her money. Again not her fault.

If you need help you need to ask. They seevyou as a fully fledged independent adult and see her as a child.

Again not really her fault.

Your parents have made their own bed. Your resentment is understandable but misdirected.

Saying something will not make you feel better and is only likely to damage your family relationships.

Ask for help when you need it and perhaps try to build a relationship with your sister Independent of your parents.

You're very resentful of someone as young as your sister. I appreciate that it is hard to see her get an easier time than you had, but you're an adult and your feelings are your responsibility. It's fine to be annoyed or to think it's unfair, but I don't think you can ask or expect them to change their relationship with your sister because of it.

If you need specific help from your parents then ask for it, but I wouldn't make generalised statements about your disapproval of their relationship with your sister.

As an aside, it sounds like you might have a fair amount in common with your sister now that she has grown up - same career path etc. You might feel better if you built more of a relationship with her? Just a thought!!

Sorry op if I am being unfair here but my sympathy is with your mum.

Your dsis is spoilt and you now want your mum to babysit for you.

Maybe she just wants you all to step up as adults and manage your own lives. I bet she didn’t have the luxury of uni and gap years?

Tell you dsis to shape up and why don’t you snd your siblings club together snd send her on a spa break to say thankyou

Maybe she is genuinely struggling at uni & your parents are trying to be supportive? Maybe they recognise that they could have done things differently with you and are trying to get them right with her?
Bringing it up won't do any good though you could try talking about them being more involved with grandkids.

Maybe she just wants you all to step up as adults and manage your own lives

Then maybe she shouldn't have spoiled her youngest her much and treated her so differently to her oldest children?

I don't have much sympathy for the mother, she created this mess. It's not ok to pamper one child and give them lots of money and support that you never gave to your others.

Thanks I guess you’re all probably right bringing it up probably won’t change my Mum and might only make her feel bad. Mum and dad do help with the kids when asked as I said I don’t ask for much it’s been babysitting for a couple of weddings but they do help out if the kids are sick, which is invaluable and they do come visit and see us. I just feel sometimes they are not as into grandparenting as I thought they would be, which I think is to do with spending so much emotional energy on DSIS.

I want to be understanding if DSIS is having a hard time at uni but part of me really suspects she likes the attention and the drama. She has got a lot more exams ahead of her if she continues in her chosen path so also no clear end in sight. We have an okayish relationship we text and she occasionally will come and visit and see the kids but we’re not close I think maybe because I have an underlying feeling of annoyance she gives my parents such a hard time and I suspect she has always resented me a bit for being the eldest and having done everything first. Parents also sent DSIS to private school and not me or other sib- there were some other reasons for this at the time and I had done fine in state school but still it annoys me when I see her off on multiple holidays all the time. I do agree that I need to get over it now though and be the adult, and tbf am definitely not thinking about this all the time just a few recent things brought these feelings to the fore.

Why don't you ask your mum how she feels about things? She might not be happy with the situation herself and it could open up lines of communication

Maybe they might not be as into "grand-parenting" even without attending to the needs of your sister?
It would be one thing if you wanted them to not be so stressed and emotionally invested in your sister's life out of concern for their well being, but its another to expect that attention to be diverted to your children.
If you are genuinely concerned that your parents are struggling to cope with the demands your sister puts on them, then yes say something. If it's that you want your kids to get more attention from them, then that's another story.

I have a big gap between my younger sibling and me/DSis. He is a true millennial in every sense of the word. My DSis and I both went to uni and then off to shared houses/our own flats.

When our DPs had us they were in their mid-twenties and just getting their homes and careers sorted. Money was tight. By the time they had DB they were in their late thirties and in a much more secure financial situation. He had foreign holidays, paid extra curricular activities, tutors etc - we did not.

My DSis is quite resentful of this but I'm not, if we'd been the same age then we'd have got the same, but we were off at uni having fun there.

DB is, tbh, a bit of a liability and a drain on my DF (DM is deceased). But it really isn't my business to say so, and I have my own family to think about now. I suggest you let your DSis and DPs get on with it and focus on your own family too.

Yes I suppose I see the time they could spend with my kids as more positive than the time they are firefighting with sis though. I wouldn’t be expecting lots of full on childcare but my mum in particular has always been super enthusiastic about friends and families babies so I thought she would be really into spending time with mine but weeks pass and life happens so we maybe see them monthly, I thought they would want to see the kids more esp when they are very little and change all the time. As an aside I do try and think of my parents needs and have booked weekends away and similar for them for birthdays before also encourage them to take time to do things just for them, which doesn’t usually go very well, but that’s a whole other thread!

Can I respectfully suggest that you leave them alone?

Let them manage their own lives as they see fit.

Invite them over, go and see them but their relationships with the rest of the family is their own business.

Have been in a similar situation with my sister who’s 15 years younger. I used to get very annoyed with mum over how she treated my sister and all it did was cause me stress. It made no difference to how DM was with my sister. I soon realised it’s not my business or my problem, and have learned to keep my mouth shut. All I can do is watch and learn and perhaps do things differently with my own children one day.

I would definitely say something about wishing your mum would spend more time with your DCs though. Without mentioning your sister.

Let them manage their own lives as they see fit

What a depressing way to view a family. Individual entities that have no bearing or relationship to each other.

What a depressing way to view a family. Individual entities that have no bearing or relationship to each other.

No. The OP has to have her own relationship with her parents. She cannot and should not manage the one they have with her sibling unless it is coercive or abusive.
They are grown-ups who raised their own family and they don't need to be told what to do by their children.

The one they have with her sibling is affecting her so it is her business.

Not sure what talking to your mum would achieve to be honest - you’ll just come across as being jealous of the attention your sister gets and probably upset your mum too. If yo don’t think she sees enough of your dc you might want to think about addressing that separately - you can’t make grandparents want to see grandchildren though!

There was a thread about this general phenomenon a couple of weeks ago: the much younger child being raised in a totally different way (generally less rules, more emotional and financial support).

It was discussing why this is so common eg parents giving up on rules that didn't work, having more time and money as they get older and other kids move out. But the basis was this is a common thing in families with big gaps between the eldest and the youngest.

So maybe take heart OP that this is just one of those things.

No idea whether you should speak to your mum, but this would really annoy me too!

All that will happen is they will be cross that you are criticising their parenting. They are unable to reflect that at some point your sister needs to rescue herself. It will make them angry at you, cause more upset between you and your sister. Concentrate on your family and let them get on with it. It isn't fair or particularly loving to you. Would you want them to concentrate their full attention on you? I imagine it would be suffocating. Are you sure this is coming from your sister, or is your mum suffering from empty nest syndrome?

I have a much more extreme example of similar in my own family.

I'm nc with my sister now.

My point being I get it - but honestly even if you spoke to them and they seemed to take on board what you say, it's really unlikely to change anything.

All you can change is how you are, how you relate to them. Maybe try and arrange for them to have more time with your DC.

I wonder though with the type of career you're describing if they're actually doing her a disservice.

Surely the point of uni is at least in part to learn to be an INdependent adult, its learning time management, stress handling, confidence, preparation etc

Your sister sounds like a milder version of my younger sister.

Your parents are likely making a rod for their own backs. They are making it more difficult for themselves long term as she will always rely on them. Does she think she is very hard done by? Always more tired/stressed/busy/ than others?

Hottoddy1
Yes I suppose I see the time they could spend with my kids as more positive than the time they are firefighting with sis though.

So your mother should stop supporting her own child for yours? do you not see that as unreasonable?

Thanks everyone really useful to get some outside perspectives and to realise that this issue is maybe more common than I knew in families with big age gaps. I do worry that my parents are not helping DSIS grow up and become resilient especially as the career path she is on is very demanding and requires lots of lifelong learning and postgraduate exams. She definitely is a bit of a martyr school exams were harder for her apparently as when I did them they were lots easier😂 and getting into uni was apparently really easy in my day too. I think my parents have some guilt about the fact that they won’t be around for her as long as the rest of us. But I feel that the way they are going about things is going to alienate me from her and if anything does happen to them it will be hard for me to support her. On balance I think I agree with the posters that there is probably not much I can realistically say that will change things but good to get it off my chest.

Boneyback I just want her to enjoy being a grandparent. Obviously if DSIS was ill or really struggling l would fully expect her to be my mothers main focus. But she is at university passing exams and has plenty energy to go out with friends and on two long haul holidays this year. She just makes mum’s life a misery whenever any obstacles come up, in a way that I would judge from friends experiences is beyond the norm from an adult of her age and certainly not the level of support I had at that age. We are both adult children of our mother, she is not a child anymore.