To be really really struggling with bedtime?

[Serena1985]

Three year old DD. Angel through the day. Fucking Damien at night time.

When she was in her cot, I could pop her down with her snuggly and off to sleep she would go. About six months ago we moved her into a single bed in her new bedroom and bedtime has been carnage ever since.

One of us needs to lie beside her until she falls asleep, or she simply won’t stay in bed. She will talk, laugh, move around, tantrum etc for fucking hours before finally giving up and going to sleep. She doesn’t nap in the day at all and she is exhausted by 7pm. But it doesn’t matter how tired she is. She is utterly bloody minded about it.

I can’t take it any more. I can’t lie there until sometimes eleven o’clock any more. I end up losing the rag with her. We get on like an absolute house on fire during the day but I am exhausted and stressed by the time bedtime comes (also have an eight month old) with a big list of jobs and my stress levels just climb and climb and we keep falling out. I’m genuinely worried it’s damaginf our relationship.

I can’t do it any more.

If she's like my eldest (later diagnosed with adhd) we put extra tall stair gate on his room (meant for dogs) and let him play away. Spent a year picking him up asleep from behind the gate or on the floor as after 30mins he would conk out

And should add that he wasn't distressed (lots of singing, dancing and laps around the bedroom and some duplo towers built) and wasn't night trained so didn't need access to bathroom

Hope you are ok, Serena?

As lovely as it it is to get lots of support and ideas, I remember how overwhelming it can be. Because you are so tired each new boundary feels like climbing a mountain.

Hoping you got some rest last night.

I know the situation isn’t funny but I did have a little chuckle at “ Fucking Damien” 😉

Hi. Thank you for the responses I have read them all.

Feel shitty today. Eight month old is loaded with the cold and was up most of the night so I am absolutely beyond knackered. Feel like crying. Just can’t get any sleep and I can’t make up the sleep I’ve lost the last few nights with the baby being ill.

Anyway. I will try an earlier bedtime but it’s quite difficult as DH doesn’t get home from work till six and also I’m going back to work in a few weeks and so we won’t get home on nursery days till six. I’m not sure what I can do about that. But it’s only three days a week I guess.

My friends keep telling me to shut her in her room and let her cry but I just can’t do it. It feels like Harry Potter being locked in the cupboard. I’m probably far too soft.

She would just roam the upstairs (we have a stair gate at the top) shouting for us and wanting to play if we left her. She’d wake the baby and tantrum. She wouldn’t just read or play quietly.

Also giving up her nap is not a new thing I think she stopped napping at around 18 months old. I find now if she so much as dozes in the car for ten minutes bedtime is absolutely scuppered

And yes she has a bedtime routine. Shower, pjs, milk then we go to bed and we read two stories.

YouTube has a load of meditations for children. Sometimes that's the only thing that will get my daughter to go to sleep. I think some children really struggle with falling asleep. We still have hysterics most nights - and she's now six!

Something we have done with ds 4 from early on is give him a kiss and cuddle then say goodnight and leave.He knows bedtime is time to go to sleep.Dont get me wrong we've had several occasions where he's come downstairs for a wee when he's just had one,needs a drink etc but he's sent back to bed straight away.This may sound too firm but it's worked for us x

Oh lovely it’s so tough isn’t it. I know this won’t help much but this too will pass.

She sounds very much like one of my old mindees who mum was frantic I didn’t let sleep in the day. She sometimes only needed to literally nod her head in sleep snd it was enough to scupper her time with atrocious behaviour of spitting and kicking her mum. Mum ended up smacking her in total desperation and the child told me and of course I had to document it but it was a good catalyst really because it helped mum realise they this behaviour was spiralling out of her behavioural control and had to be sorted.

So she did all the tips already discussed. No messing no play just keep putting back to bed.

Honestly If you can get out of the mindset that it’s cruel to the mindset that it’s more cruel to continue in this negative pattern and it’s not good for your relationship with her.

It’s tough as you have a baby but honestly try it.

Don’t allow her to roam around the upstairs. Put her back every time. If she tantrums ignore it. Your dh needs to be on board too. Children sense any weakness snd will play on that.

Honestly you will feel a million times better once this is cracked snd actually so will she.

Lots of people mentioned story CDs. Also maybe star charts, rewards etc. Whatever she responds to and chat about what’s going to happen at bedtime in the day so she knows.

Keep strong you can snd you will do this

Btw the mindee is now a delightful 16 year old and a credit to her mum.

Following as my ds is exactly the same. It's so tiring. My DH and I take it in turns to do bedtime because it was exhausting me (I work fulltime) and nothing was getting done in the house beyond the basics. I feel your pain!

Seeing so many others having problems makes me feel so much better. My 5 year old DD is a nightmare at bedtime and has been ever since she was out of her cot at the age of 2. I find it difficult because she's the youngest of four and it makes doing bedtime for the others more drawn out and the oldest has ASD so he still has a bedtime routine involving stories etc. It's not so bad when DH is home as we can divide and conquer but he often works evenings so I'm doing a lot of the bedtimes solo. I'm loving the card idea @MotherforkingShirtballs so will try that tonight

You could be describing my 2.4 year old - always had exact same routine, used to sleep like an angel, now bed time equals party time. Drives his 4 year old brother up the wall as he just wants to go to sleep.

I think you have to be short term cruel by "shutting her in", which is actually a long term kindness. If you get her sleeping properly, she will be happier, you will be more rested and family life will be easier.

I'd clear toys from her room and put them elsewhere. I'd do bedtime routine and then shut the door. She's after attention and currently she's getting it.

My friends keep telling me to shut her in her room and let her cry but I just can’t do it. It feels like Harry Potter being locked in the cupboard. I’m probably far too soft.

This.

She's not crying because she's hurt. She's crying because she's not getting her own way.

You've had good ideas suggested here. Time for tough love.

Totally you need to change your mindset to this situation is cruel for her and the family so sorting it by short term pain is being kind

She is playing you like a fiddle. That’s what kids do. You have to take back control! Like Brexit

Poor you, you sound exhausted.

Others may disagree but personally I'd tackle it when you feel ready/baby is better/you have the energy. Have a chat with DP and work out a routine.

In the meantime do what you need to do to stay well and cut yourself some slack. This stuff is tough.

Take care. 💛

And please do message me if you need to rant.