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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed with people's reaction to our pregnancy?

51 replies

SlimGin · 04/04/2018 20:07

Maybe I am.

Basically, I'm pregnant with a surprise baby, boyfriend and I have only been together 6 months. We're both happy, financially fine, and very much looking forward to the future. We've have had long discussions about our decision. Neither of us are naive to how a child will change our relationship and lives. So that's that, decision made, not anyone else's business.

I've recently started telling people around me the news. My family and some friends are all very excited and supportive. But I've found that some people, friends included, have not so positive reactions.

One common question I get asked is 'was it planned?' or 'are you scared?' which I find downright rude. I recently got my hair cut and the hairdresser, who I've never met before, asked me if the pregnancy was planned. I would never ever approach someone with this question, unless perhaps we were close friends.

I'm fine with people having their opinions, but I don't think they need to be so outwardly expressive with them. One 'friend' actually walked away from me when I told her.

It's starting to grate on me now. I'm considering retorting to the next person that asks me if I'm scared. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/04/2018 21:15

@SlimGin - I think that the comments and questions you have had, have been rude and intrusive - no question about that.

You mentioned a friend who just walked away - is it possible she is having fertility issues or has had a miscarriage, and that is why she reacted so badly to your news?

thecatsarecrazy · 04/04/2018 21:20

there's an 8 year gap between my 2nd and 3rd. I never got asked if he was planned but if it was with the same father. Even when I went to the labour ward the midwife asked because she had seen me before.

MySockIsWetAgain · 04/04/2018 21:29

Pregnancy news brings out the dickheads.

Yes. Prepare yourself for more. It's not because you've been together for 6 mo - I've been with my partner for ages, and am not young, and still got that question, including from work colleagues and strangers. Once that stops, the advice strts pouring in - stupid, innacurate, patronising, WRONG advice. I was told such a pile of testifiably wrong rubbish in my pregnancy that I could write a small book - "what NOT to expect when expecting". The standard advice is to nod and smile and let it wash over you. I'd usually get pretty pissed off instead, to be honest.

EastMidsMummy · 04/04/2018 21:34

Congratulations, OP.

How old are you?

HappilyHarridan · 04/04/2018 21:41

I think got some people they feel a pressure to keep the conversation going once someone has told them they're pregnant, they don't feel they can just say 'great' and then move onto a different subject. So they scrabble around for something to ask which will a) make them appear interested, and b) gives them a clue as to whether they should be offering words of encouragement/support or words of just joy.

Nicknacky · 04/04/2018 21:46

I got asked if it was planned even though I had been with my husband 16 years and had a child already. Some people just didn’t know what to say, or how to reply so that’s what came out. I didn’t take offence.

I think in your circumstances people will be shocked. You have only been together 6 months but ultimately its no one else’s business.

Glumglowworm · 04/04/2018 21:50

Yanbu

I’ve had those thoughts when people I know have got pregnant very quickly in a relationship. But because I’m not a total dick I wouldn’t dream of commenting on it (to them or behind their back)

I’m not sure what it is about pregnancy that makes so many people feel entitled to share their opinion on other people’s business!

NordicNobody · 04/04/2018 22:02

I found out I was pregnant 3 months into our relationship but I think it was so obviously not planned that no one bothered asking haha. The only person to ask was actually my mother who was adamant that I'd got pregnant accidentally on purpose to "get out of having to do anything with my life". Took me a looooong time to speak to her after that.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 22:02

YANBU. You announce you are pregnant to a guy you've known five minutes, people are going to have opinions. Thats just life.

Was it planned is a stupid question though. One can only hope the answer is no!

Pinkvoid · 04/04/2018 22:06

Wow... it’s no one else’s business whether it was planned or not, it’s so rude to ask! Some people have zero self awareness.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 04/04/2018 22:10

People always ask if it was planned i was married ten years with other children and was still asked that in my most recent pregnancy

glueandstick · 04/04/2018 22:10

The midwife asked me if it was my husband’s child. 😱😱😱 you have to develop a thick skin for pregnancy.

AnotherQuoll · 04/04/2018 22:14

As someone mentioned, it helps if you give hints. I don't mean to but it's possible I come across as one of those dickheads. Because I don't know how to respond to someone saying they're pregnant unless they give some indication of how they feel about it.

Not everyone is happy to be pregnant, some people are terrified, some are not wanting to be pregnant, some are thrilled, some are about to go on to say there's something wrong. I don't know. I also don't ask, obviously, but yeah... Some of us are trying g to be sensitive to whatever may be happening for you.

SunnyCoco · 04/04/2018 22:20

Argh people are so rude

Like some of the other posters, I was married, employed, a homeowner, blah blah blah - still got “oh... was it planned?”

And then at the end of pregnancy commenting on my body “omg you’re enormous, I can’t believe how massive you are” etc. Thanks 🙄

Unfortunately you do end up having to develop a thick skin as people come out with some really insensitive stuff.

LeighaJ · 04/04/2018 22:26

I've been asked that despite conceiving after marriage, although not as bluntly as "Was it planned?"

I wasn't particularly offended but it's not a question I'd ever ask cuz it's impolite. Also almost no baby on my Mom's side was planned nor took place after marriage so it's not weird to me.

bringbackfonzi · 04/04/2018 22:34

When I was pregnant with my first, an ex-colleague I hadn't seen for a couple of years asked me, via email, whether I was with the father or was a single mother. I thought it was great that he was so straightforward and didn't mind the question at all. I have also been asked whether pregnancies were planned or not and again didn't mind. Why do others find it such a rude question? Is it because it would be bad if it were unplanned? Or is it because it is too personal?

Original poster
SlimGin · 06/04/2018 17:02

Sorry all, thank you for replies. I created the thread then lost internet for 2 days Hmm
Good points with hinting whilst breaking the news. I'll be growing my thick skin now.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius that's a perspective I hadn't really thought about, actually. This particular friend hasn't, to my knowledge, ever ttc and talks about having children in the future so I don't believe that was her reason, however it's a good point when considering other people's reactions.

@eastmidsmummy thank you :) I'm 25

@bringbackfonzi I just think it's a personal question. It's something I'll probably mention anyway but for essentially strangers (hairdresser, letting agent) to ask I think is rude.

OP posts:
Eeeeek2 · 06/04/2018 17:24

I got is it planned lots of times, we'd been married 2 and a bit years and had a miscarriage the previous year. Some people are just rude.

My midwife asked if it was my husbands baby, but I think that is standard question because you get asked about family history of conditions on both sides.

You'll get plenty more weird things said to you along the way too. I worked in retail and at 30 odd weeks got asked multiple times a day if I was pregnant. (Very short size 10 with massive bump not the sort of person you might look at and say fat or pregnant)

Cleebeeface · 07/04/2018 11:39

I’m 38, had a baby 7 weeks ago. My 1st daughter is 14, and I’m getting married in 6 months. Quite a few people commented on my age, the age gap between my daughters and asked will I fit in my wedding dress!!
Then commented constantly on how pale I looked ( I had hyperemisis) and how low I was carrying.
Annoying and rude.

NewMuma17 · 07/04/2018 16:31

Pregnancy seems to make people behave poorly in my experience! First think my MIL said when my husband and I told her we were expecting was, oh what are you going to do about your house?!? (We’re renting!) FIL was very very happy tho, immediately saying lots of lovely things after my MIL came out with that!

kaytee87 · 07/04/2018 16:35

Meh, I was asked if my pregnancy was planned when I'd been with my husband for 4.5 years when we announced my pregnancy and married for a few months. People will ask you all sorts of annoying things now you're pregnant and also tell you what you're allowed to eat and do.

I will say though that all first time parents are naive to how a baby may affect their relationship, especially such a new relationship.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/04/2018 16:44

Was it planned. That's mild. I had a CNF (Cheeky nosy fucker)ask me (SinGle mum) who the father was.Shock.
I should have said "Oh well you might as well know now, it's your fellahGrin.

Dozer · 07/04/2018 16:49

25 is young and the relationship is new, your friends could have witheld their thoughts, but the situation is far from ideal.

You might be financially fine now but you don’t have DC yet! hopefully whatever happens with the relationship your bf will pay maintenance and share the parenting, but a significant minority of fathers don’t and WoH can be very hard for single mothers in lots of circumstances.

FilledSoda · 07/04/2018 16:58

To think only a generation ago an unplanned out of wedlock pregnancy was so shameful that no one would ask anything .

thewavesofthesea · 07/04/2018 17:00

I’m a doctor, and I fell pregnant with my first when I was 24. We were married, fianacially pretty comfortable, and had been together around 6 years. The most common question I had ‘Was is an accident?’. Because I am a professional woman. And because professional women don’t have babies until they are in their 30s.

Someone even asked if my second was an accident (2.5 year age difference) Seriously.