Stupid row with dh

[Woollylane]

I feel as though every time I try to have a normal, reasonable conversation with dh it somehow escalates into a row.

For example tonight. Ds2 2yo is ill with a virus, very lethargic. Dh took him for a bath, I noticed beforehand that ds had a big knot in his hair (longish hair), I said to dh to put some conditioner on it and tease it out.

I was having a general tidy round upstairs, sorting washing, picking things up, replacing toilet roll in bathroom etc, getting kids pyjamas out.

I noticed dh was sort of hacking away at ds soapy hair with various brushes and combs. I asked if he'd put conditioner on, he said no, I said he should

On being in the bathroom I noticed the sink was pretty mucky so I got a cloth and spray and started cleaning the sink, I'm talking a 30 second wipe round, I got a tiny bit in dhs way doing this but there was still room, and ds was playing in the bath anyway. By the way I'd already tried to clean the sink this morning and dh said he needed toilet and shower and said he'd do it but didn't.

Dh again started on ds hair with a comb and ds was crying saying no, no. Again I said to dh it needs conditioner on, it will be hurting him and I passed dh a bottle of conditioner.

At this point dh starts half shouting at me saying he's not pulling ds hair so it isn't hurting and why am I cleaning the sink anyway, now is not the time to be cleaning the sink, we are not cleaning the sink now, you don't clean the sink at times like this, having a big rant.

Was I really so in the wrong?

"He's shouting no. It does hurt. I have longer hair than you, I know how tugs feel. It needs conditioner to make it slippy".

"Remember telling me I couldn't clean the sink this morning and also telling me you would do It? Well, you didn't. So it needs done".

Tell him to behave like an adult. Clean up after himself and take proper care of his child.

YADNBU are you both knackered because the little one is poorly?
If it's how he always talks to you then you need to have a conversation.
Can you get a babysitter one night when ds is better and go out for a meal or even just a coffee. I always find we talk better when on neutral territory.
Hope you're OK, poorly toddlers are hard work

Avasarala I think that's exactly what I should have said.

We are both a bit knackered and both have a bit of what ds has got, but he's like this often, moody, I say something completely normal and reasonable and he turns it into that I've somehow done something wrong.

I've tried talking to him I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I've asked him if he's unhappy he's adamant there's nothing wrong and usually just ends up apologising and saying he gets his words mixed up and that I 'know what he's like'.

did he say why he wouldn't use kind conditioner to removed the knots from your DS's hair.. instead choosing shampoo and to tug at it with various brushes ?

poor wee soul

My dad still treats my mum that way; I grew up with it and have no patience for it so might have come across quite harsh!

Maybe have a go at another chat about it, using today's examples to get you going. At least he apologises, but you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to stop it happening. He should be able to police himself on his temper/control issue.

The real reason you went into the bathroom is because you were micromanaging your husband. You did not need to replace toilet roll and clean the sink at that precise moment, and was your husband hacking away or just pulling, may be conditioner would have worked better but why can’t you let him do things his way ?

@Northernparent68

If she's the only one doing the housework (and it sounds like she might be), then this was the perfect time to change the toilet roll and clean the sink. Her husband was looking after their son, she could get the tidying up finished so that when little one goes to bed, she can put her feet up.

She didn't go in expecting her husband to be doing a bad job. She also didn't start the argument. She handed him conditioner - he had a go at her instead of realising his method wasn't working and just getting on with it. She was having to do a job he had promised to do earlier, so he can bloody well shut up and let her do it at the time that suits.

In the end he said it's because wouldn't let him. But he'd managed to soap up ds hair so he could have easily stuck a bit of conditioner on at the same time. Or even before, or while he was rinsing the soap off, anything but trying to comb a big knot out of soapy hair.

Next he says it's because he's not a hair expert, but you don't need to be do you? I'd already said 3 times to put conditioner on, his answers just make no sense. There's no talking to him.

He apologises now and wants to get round me but why the need for these rows all the time over everyday things.

I certainly didn't go into the bathroom to micro manage him. I was tidying up while he bathed ds so that we could both sit down this evening.

There was no toilet roll left and the sink was very dirty and I knew ds1 would need to brush his teeth afterwards, so I was just taking the opportunity to do it.

Believe me I haven't got the time nor inclination to micromanage bath time I'm just glad it's getting done.

His hair badly needed some conditioner it was as simple as that, I'd have done it myself had I known it would cause problems.