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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can friendships survive a wealth divide?

23 replies

Twoweekcruise · 04/04/2018 11:52

AIBU to think that maybe not in the long run (although am hoping this isn't the case!)
DH and I have become friends with a lovely couple, they are friendly and warm and welcoming, the kind of people I like to have in my life.
However, I feel there is an elephant in the room, which is simply that their lives are very different from ours.
They are very well off (and before anyone jumps in, this isn't an envy thing, I'm not a jealous person) our income is about a quarter of theirs.
They also have no children (we have dc)so they come and go as they please.
And although they are not ostentatious at all, they do have the best of everything, they travel extensively, first class flights and five star hotels etc, they just don't have worry about the cost of living.
My concern is that we will bore them in the long run. We simply can not afford that kind of lifestyle, all of our other friends earn roughly the same as us so a wealth divide is something I've never even thought of.
I know probably over thinking this and should just go with the flow and see where we end up but it has got me thinking if this kind of friendship is sustainable?

OP posts:

Tainbri · 04/04/2018 12:00

YABU! Just be friends or don't! A friend is just that, a friend

RosaDeZoett · 04/04/2018 12:07

Presumably there is something that you all have in common that brought you together as friends? Some type of shared interest? In my experience that is where friendship begins and grows from there. I have friends who live all kinds of different lifestyles, but our shared interests in a particular sport brought us all together in my case.

RosaDeZoett · 04/04/2018 12:08

Also I think it's about shared values not level of wealth

IndianaMoleWoman · 04/04/2018 12:08

On paper it should be fine but in reality, no. Money dictates all of your leisure activities.

A friend I had as a student is still in a minimum wage job and still only goes to the really cheap bars/pubs/restaurants that we frequented as students, whereas the rest of us don’t like that sort of place any more. It would be patronising to suggest going somewhere we don’t like to accommodate her finances, equally it’s excruciating to watch her sit and sip a tap water and eat a salad whilst the rest of us eat three courses with wine, and she’s too proud to let the rest of us pay.

We do meet up at each other’s houses, but when you’re chatting about your day to day life, it’s awful when someone’s telling you they can’t afford the gas bill when you’ve just spent ten minutes telling them all about the foreign holiday you’ve booked.

I wish it weren’t the case but it just doesn’t work.

Flippetydip · 04/04/2018 12:10

I would say in reality it will be the children that would be more of a dividing factor than the money. Life is WAY more curtailed by children than money.

But if you like them, and they like you, be friends. Don't over-analyse it.

FinallyHere · 04/04/2018 12:48

If you enjoy their company, find things to do together which are not awkward, it would be a shame to not enjoy their company, for the sake of a disparity in income. As PP says, its more about shared values.

Itsnotmesothere · 04/04/2018 12:56

If eating out can be awkward, try eating at lunch time. Some great independent restaurants offer fantastic lunch time deals at sometimes less than "cheap" restaurants.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2018 12:58

Yes, we have friends who are in the multi millionaire bracket. And I mean multi. Think 14 cars and a five million pound house, property abroad and multiple holidays. We have dinner at each other's houses. We go out to dinner, just a nice Chinese or something, we split the bill, we get drunk and stay up to the wee small hours, and there's no issue at all. I guess my husband and I would be considered reasonably affluent, but we are not in their bracket or even close. It makes no difference to us. Sure when we go to their house the wine is 30 quid a pop, in our house it's more like a tenner, but none of us give a shit.

However our closest friends are in the same financial bracket as us. That's not anything to do with finances I don't think, it's simoly we have known each other the longest and like to do a lot of the same stuff together That our other wealthier friends don't, like going to gigs or music festivals.

As long as you get on fine and don't try to compete, or the wealthy couple isn't trying to get you to go to extortionate restaurants and pay for expensive wine, it makes no difference. Just accept each other and get past it. The first time I went to their house I thought "holy fuck" now I don't bat an eyelid and hardly notice it.

shouldHAVEcouldHAVE · 04/04/2018 13:00

I have a friend who sold her last house for £3 million pounds and I have another friend who laughs at me for buying £30 candles when she’s scraping up pennies for bus fares. There’s always someone worse or better off than you, it shouldn’t matter in the long run if they’re someone you click with.

DrunkOnCalpol · 04/04/2018 13:01

Depends whether they're happy to do more affordable things, or does spending time with them mean spending money you can't afford to go expensive places.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/04/2018 13:02

Ooh! No. I am the 'wealthy' one in one of my friendships. We didn't know this couple when we were younger and utterly brassic. We only met them once we moved, bought our house.

They live in what used to be known as a 'tied cottage', have 3 kids and are perpetually skint. What they are not is restrained by the lack of cash when it comes to a good night in. Yes, we take more alcohol than they provide, yes we often get a takeaway or the meat for whatever meal we will be eating. But they provide the comfortable space, great company, stimulating conversation and a HUGE range of board games.

They even have a proper stereo system, so we take CD and vinyl with us too! We all end up on the floor/bean bags, rat arsed, well fed and too sleepy to move (OK, knee joints too stiff to get up off the floor). It's a bit like being arty teenagers, but we are all on our 50s - there can be 6 or 7 of us, pretending to be teenagers, at any given time.

I hope they don't see us as having bought our way in, or themselves as to poor to be bothered with! I'd never thought of it like that!!! Bugger. What if they do?

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/04/2018 13:05

I have to say that most of my friends are way more middle class than me and they really don’t get stuff eg why I can’t ski or why I don’t just ask my mum for money for a holiday or whatever. The other day a friend who went to private school tried to say he was working class and that did make me eyeroll a bit. I do feel more comfortable with other people who understand money being tight but as long as they are nice it’s not that big a deal.

MimpiDreams · 04/04/2018 13:10

Yes they can. My dearest friend of 30+ years has been on sickness benefits the whole time I've known her as she has serious mental health problems. I'm in quite a fortunate position. The money difference between us has never been a problem because we love each other. Most of the time I pick up the bill for both of us, even with holidays. I don't care about the money, I just want her to be with us. And I have absolutely no doubt that she'd do the same for me if the situation was reversed.

Kokeshi123 · 04/04/2018 13:14

I have friends who I know have a lot less money than I do. I'd hate them to feel uncomfortable. We do cheap fun things together, it's all good. I generally drop vague comments about how I need to save for this or that, so let's just have a nice and not-too-expensive day out together.

TheLastNigel · 04/04/2018 13:34

One of my best friends is massively wealthy. But she is still the same person she was when she wasn't...im nothing but pleased for her and I don't give it a second thought really.

Kingsclerelass · 04/04/2018 13:38

Of course. Disposable income can limit joint activity but everyone can share a drink and a sense of humour with a friend.

Bluelady · 04/04/2018 13:40

The issue tends to be attitudes towards money. I have a friend who's comfortable - house owned outright, six figure sum in the bank - but who refuses to spend any money. We could have really nice times together but she won't buy a theatre ticket or a meal out so we meet for a coffee at Wetherspoons. The irony is that she has nobody to leave her money to.

Thistlebelle · 04/04/2018 13:44

On paper it should be fine but in reality, no. Money dictates all of your leisure activities.

I disagree with this. My best friends earn about a quarter of our nousehold income. Our income is likely to go up further while theirs is probably capped.

It makes no difference at all. Spending time with each other doesn’t have to be driven by how much money anyone has.

I love my friends, I want to see them I don’t care how fancy the pub or restaurant is. Mostly we meet at each other's homes for drinks or meals and I don’t care how fancy the food is or expensive the wine was.

Similarly like a pp we have friends who are multi- millionaires.

If you have reasonably healthy self esteem then how big/beautiful/expensive someone’s home is compared to your own isn’t going to bother you.

I agree that the lack of kids might make a difference for some people but then again we had kids about 5 years later than all our friends and we still enjoyed socialising with them.

Set aside your worries and enjoy the friendship. Being “boring” isn’t about how much money you have.

The least exciting people we ever knew were an independently wealthy couple neither of whom worked (or did any volunteering etc). They had absolutely nothing to talk about and the friendship drifted.

gobbin · 04/04/2018 13:48

We have some wealthy friends who live relatively modestly and do the same sort of things we do. They just don’t have ti work to maintain their lifestyle whereas we do. It’s not a problem. They are generous with time and hospitality. We always take wine, beer etc when invited over even though their cellar is full.

Ginkypig · 04/04/2018 13:54

I have friends who are rich enough to need financial advisors and property worth 1/2-1 million pounds and I have friends who have been struggling enough to need to use food banks.

We never have issues because we adapt to match our differences. Our budgets or disability or whatever are catered for by others because that's what friends do.

My very rich friend would never expect me to be able to afford for example a £500 michelan star tasting menu in the same way that I would never put my friends who are struggling in a position where they feel uncomfortable.
I wouldn't expect a friend to drag me rock climbing because my friends know my disabilities would prevent that.
I wouldn't try to take my friend who is elderly clubbing (not that I go clubbing!)

Real friendship respects the differences. It's the person you like not their circumstances.

Thistlebelle · 04/04/2018 14:02

Real friendship respects the differences. It's the person you like not their circumstances.

That is exactly right.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/04/2018 14:04

It only becomes an issue if hyper wealthy people do not take into consideration the disposable income of their friends and expect others to financially over extend themselves in order to socialise with them.

My wife and I were invited to join another couple on a ski trip a few years back and while we both earn decent wages and enjoy a decent standard of living we were gobsmacked when we received an email outlining the holiday plans. In short we would be expected to fork out nearly £8000 for our share of rent for some high chalet in Verbier. It was just not a big sum of money for them!

FrangipaniBlue · 04/04/2018 14:18

Yes, it's common values and ideals that make a friendship not your bank balance.

We are a two income household, my DH is self employed and I own my own company.

One of my best friends of over 10yrs is a single mother who receives no financial support from her ex and is only able to work part time around her DS school times.

There is a huge wealth divide between us but it makes zero difference to either of us.

She tells me that one of things she likes about spending time with me is that I don't gloat or brag about what I have or where I'm going on holiday etc, but at the same time she never makes me feel like I can't tell her about something in my life I'm excited about for fear of her taking a huff or getting jealous.

When it comes to family values and general life principles we have heaps in common, hence we get on so well.

Our DS are the same age and are also best friends, their backgrounds and family circumstances make zero difference to them either.

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