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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To return the birthday card from my Mum

33 replies

onlyoranges · 04/04/2018 11:08

I was adopted from a very chaotic family when I was two and adopted by a lovely couple. My birth mum has dipped in and out of my life for the last 20 years. The pain when she drifts off is unbearable so around six months ago following the death of my adopted parents I decided I couldn’t cope with it anymore and decided I couldn’t let her be in my life anymore. Just had a big birthday and a card has arrived. Every year it has the same I am always here for you thinking of you etc in, which I am sure she does in her own way but I have learnt it’s only words. She has her own demons and I understand that but after losing my mum and dad I feel vulnerable and just so tired of the emotional roller coaster. She’s never really been interested in my children but I have always kept them away from her as she is so unreliable I don’t want them to get attached to her and not understand when she goes again.

My question is what should i do with my 40th birthday card. I haven’t opened it. We moved a while ago but she sent it to my old address. I don’t know if this reads as harsh but every single time I have let my guard down and started to trust her she has let me down and the pain this causes brought me to my knees emotionally last time when I decided enough is enough. I just want her to love me and act like someone who does but I realised this will never happen and no matter how much this hurts it seems the least painful option. Although this hurts like hell. What would you do? Should I return the card?

OP posts:

cinders15 · 04/04/2018 11:10

Personally, I would leave it
She doesn't know your new address, so leave it be

Trinity66 · 04/04/2018 11:12

I probably wouldn't return it but maybe just ignore it and keep getting with your life? Sorry for your loss regarding your parents :(

Original poster

onlyoranges · 04/04/2018 11:13

Should I send the card back? If I open it I worry I may weaken especially as my lovely adopted mum died not so long ago x

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/04/2018 11:15

It doesn't seem harsh at all. At the end of the day she isn't your mum. Yes she's your mother. She birthed you. That's a biological fact. However she's not the one who read your bed time stories. Wiped your knees when you grazed them. Paced the floor with you in the night.

Where there when you had your babies. Wiped your tears away and held you when you first had your heart broken.

Whiterabbitears · 04/04/2018 11:17

So sorry for the loss of your lovely mum this is probably making this issue so much harder and you're feeling more vulnerable.

I wouldn't return it because that may play on your mind in the future. I would cut contact in the future though, if she doesn't have your new address she probably won't search for your new one.

Nesssie · 04/04/2018 11:18

If she sent it to your old address could you not just write 'no longer at this address, return to sender' .
She won't know it was you that returned it, it could have been the new house owner?

Trinity66 · 04/04/2018 11:19

Should I send the card back? If I open it I worry I may weaken especially as my lovely adopted mum died not so long ago x

I wouldn't send it back, just bin it if you don't want it. Unless you're looking to send your bio mother a message to stay away?

Weezol · 04/04/2018 11:21

When does your mail forwarding end?

Bluelady · 04/04/2018 11:21

Don't send it back, just put it in the bin.

sayatidaknama · 04/04/2018 11:24

Just bin the card, don't send it back. It's very easy to send gushing messages by card or email or whatever, not so easy to genuinely "be there" for someone, in every sense of the phrase

Original poster

onlyoranges · 04/04/2018 11:28

The mail forwarding ends in a few weeks but I know she won’t look for me. I guess I thought sending it back would send a message but maybe it’s too much of a statement to make when I am feeling like this and in an odd way it seems rude! You can see how well brought up I was lol. It’s just so painful and losing my mum has mixed all the emotions up in my head that’s true.

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/04/2018 11:29

It doesn't read as harsh at all op, I think what you've written is all totally understandable. It's self preservation.

I would echo what others have said. Bin the card, move on mentally. She doesn't know your current address.

iggleypiggly · 04/04/2018 11:33

I would personally burn it. Treat it as a therapeutic closure. You know that she won’t change and words mean nothing. If it’s in the bin then it will play on your mind and the temptation is there. Sorry for your loss

Mulberry72 · 04/04/2018 11:33

I’d bin it OP and then not give it another thought.

I’m adopted too and have a similar flaky/useless egg donor too.

Poshindevon · 04/04/2018 11:35

I am sorry you lost both of your parents, obviously this has left you bereft, but Awwlookatmybabyspider hit the nail on the head.
Your adopted parents raised you and loved you.
Do not open the card and do not return the card, throw it away.
Your birth mother does not know your address, so you can be free to live your life.
Give thanks that two loving people adopted you and carry their memory with you.

LynetteScavo · 04/04/2018 11:39

Don't send it back. Just throw it away.

Rafflesway · 04/04/2018 11:45

Please ignore the card and DO NOT give her your new address!

Believe me, I am speaking from experience! I could have written your post virtually word for word regarding the continual unreliability/hurt. I am in my early 60's now and have been no contact with my birth mother - I was never adopted other than by her shit husband - for almost 30 years. I have no family at all on my side but I soon got used to it and these have been the happiest 30 years of my life. Just me, DH and our adult DD - who has SLD - along with DH's sisters and their families who I get along fantastically with.

You REALLY don't need her, Oranges.

TulipFromAmsterdam · 04/04/2018 11:45

Throw it away

SlowlyShrinking · 04/04/2018 11:47

Just shred it and recycle it

GabsAlot · 04/04/2018 11:55

its not rude

i wold return saying not know at this address then move on with your life

WiltedDaffs · 04/04/2018 13:56

I understand wanting to send a message but I wouldn't send it back. Let your message be silence, time will send it for you. You've got a new address now so as the days/weeks/months/years tick on and she gets no responses she'll be getting the message. Bin it or burn it, there's nothing wrong about protecting yourself from the pain of being let down again.

Knittedfairies · 04/04/2018 14:00

Just throw it away and forget about it. I think sending it back would create unnecessary drama.

Hissy · 04/04/2018 14:03

Agree with WiltedDaffs write a message but don't send it. Write your goodbye and then burn it

Just bin the card and her with it. You've suffered enough at her hands and you are wholly justified in drawing a line.

(((((hug)))))

Weezol · 04/04/2018 15:00

Glad mail forwarding will soon end - that should be that. It sounds like it will take her a while to realise you've moved and, as you say, she isn't going to come looking.

I agree with PP. Dispose of it unopened. Maybe in a litter bin away from home so you're not tempted to fish it out later and read it.

Allow yourself to grieve for your lovely mum and dad in peace.

MorningsEleven · 04/04/2018 15:08

Burn it.

I've been there, thankfully they don't know where I live now so I'm free of the little grenades that my birth family drop.

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