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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in feeling I'm utterly failing my son

20 replies

StormySunshine · 04/04/2018 06:09

my DS will be sitting his GCSE in a few weeks. He is, however, really down, unmotivated and barely putting in the minimum of revision. Both my DH and I are at our wits end as to how to help. We've tried long talks, resorted to threats (banned computer games, etc) but nothing gets through, he is just full of apathy. There is more to it. I had cancer 5 years ago, and it just returned a couple of months ago. So have been to hospital for a few weeks. Now at home but sleeping a lot and generally quite befuddled with all the drugs to be of much help. To top it up, it's the same cancer that my beloved MIL passed away from 2yrs ago. He refuses point blank to see a councilor, or even tell his friends (we've had to let the school know). Says that talking to us (which he does) is all he needs, but I know it's not enough. I am feeling so guilty and helpless! I know he's probably depressed and needs a professional help but cannot make him see it. Just feel like I am failing him when he needs me the most. Any advice is welcome

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 04/04/2018 06:25

I'm sorry about your diagnosis Flowers
Don't put too much pressure on your DS. He will be processing so many emotions just now. Of course, GCSEs won't feel as important. And, tbh they aren't that important when compared with a parent whose cancer has returned. He can always re-sit.
My DF had a life-threatening illness when I was sitting final uni exams. I could hold all my emotions together about his illness but being as motivated to study was a step too far. (And generally I was a straight A student who loved studying).
You're right that he would benefit from talking to someone. If there's a Maggie's centre near you, I would casually drop in one day to collect a leaflet/timetable for you when he's with you. It will let him see how supportive and unthreatening that type of environment can be.
I know you're scared about his exams but it's understandable that they aren't the most important concern he has just now.

Pengggwn · 04/04/2018 06:31

Stop beating yourself up. He isn't a baby. You've offered him access to professional help; he has declined. If he isn't revising, well, nor are thousands of other teenagers across the country, it isn't necessarily anything to do with your illness. And none of this is your fault.

Vitalogy · 04/04/2018 07:02

Sorry about what you're going through OP.
I really think you have to back off though. Sounds lke you've tried all sort. There comes a point when they, I've got a son myself doing his A levels, have to do it themselves. Offer love/support and let him know you're there to help if needed.

Original poster
StormySunshine · 04/04/2018 07:11

I know logically that at least the illness isn't my fault but my heart is another matter. I keep thinking that a better mum would've found a way through. And, to my shame, deep, deep down, I think "surely he knows that this stress is so bad for me" and then, again, feel so bad for even thinking it.... And so it goes...

OP posts:
Hassled · 04/04/2018 07:24

My mother had cancer when I was in the run up to my O Levels (she died not long after). I did revise but spent the rest of the time being a bit of a wild party animal - and no, I wasn't thinking "this much stress can't be good for her". I was just entirely self-absorbed. I re-read my teenage diaries recently and it was all me, me, me. I think that was just the only way I could cope with what was going on - it certainly wasn't a conscious decision to punish her, and I wouldn't have wanted a councillor at that stage because once you start talking to people outside the family that makes it real. I don't think your son's reaction is too unusual.
This is such an awful time for you and your DS. If he fails his GCSEs he can try again. It's great that he can talk to you, if no-one else - just make the most of that and concentrate on quality time with him. All the very best.

Pengggwn · 04/04/2018 07:28

Teenagers often have no conception of how important their education will be to them. It doesn't matter how many times this is impressed upon them; some will just not get it until later. If you've done everything you can to get this across to him, you have nothing to feel bad about. It's his choice.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/04/2018 07:37

I am sorry OP

In the grand scheme of things GCSE are not that Big a deal and teenagers as a PP said are abormally selfish !

I also agree that getting some talking. Therapy lines up for when it’s needed might be an idea . I think the closer you can all be and bonded the better right now . It’s abnormally hard times right now . And better a son that’s communicating and with you right now which he Is

Op sending you strength and peace for the months ahead . It’s not an easy road and your post has really moved me . Thinking of you and your family and hope you can surround each other with love

sandgrown · 04/04/2018 07:39

I feel or you OP. Trying to get my DS to revise is like hitting my head against a brick wall. I am not sure if he thinks he will.pass his exams with little effort or he won't pass so it's not worth trying ! I have offered my help, bought expensive revision guides and online support and even offered pocket money if I see a determined effort but none of it is working. It is so frustrating. Just look after yourself and get well. If your DS does fail it will be a shame but he can resit.

AJPTaylor · 04/04/2018 07:58

if he doesnt do well in his gcses the world will not end. look at how best to get through it. focus on english, maths and science . focus on feeding him, listening to him and keep trying with the counselling. lives dont always fit into the timetable that school prescribes.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/04/2018 08:03

Your son is only a child. His mother has cancer. Please just stop harassing him.

He can always resit his GCSEs next year.

He must be going by through hell.

Does he know that you will be ok in the future? Is your cancer responding to treatment?

My heart goes out to you all.

OneInEight · 04/04/2018 08:03

Flowers. Do what you can do. You can't take away the stress of having cancer. You can alleviate to a certain point the stress of the GCSE's by telling him (and yourself) that there will be opportunities later on for qualifications when he has is ready.

ds1 somewhat (well actually completely) to my amazement is doing some revision - his change of attitude brought about by deciding what he would like to do and checking to see what grades he will need (high). But obviously will only help if he has any idea what job he would like to do as an adult.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/04/2018 08:08

Some people do not suit counseling, they will talk when they are ready, in their own time. Don't force it.

My 15yr old is not big on revising at all. I am trying to motivate him by looking ahead, at the sort of jobs he might enjoy (and what sort of grades he'd need for that)

In your shoes I'd focus on food, hugs, chats and fun things, and talks about what he is good at and how that could be of use to him in the future.

Keep it supportve, positive and loving. Also better for your own stress levels.

You are both going through a lot, so like dr Phill in the 90s always said Wink "be kind to yourself, and eachother"

Wishing you all the best

Original poster
StormySunshine · 04/04/2018 08:11

Thank you all for the kind words. Hassled, I really feel for you! My biggest fear is not my health but my DS's future. He needs 4As to stay at his current school (which he really likes) and we are too late now to apply for any other schools. Again, another part where I feel I failed him, since he was doing well until I was diagnosed and by the time we realised things were slipping, it was too late for plan B.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 04/04/2018 08:15

So sorry.

I would advise talking to the school again and saying how much it is affecting his revision and exam performance. They may be able to apply for extenuating circumstances. It is a bit of a long shot as this is more successful when it's just one exam that's affected, but definitely worth doing.

AJPTaylor · 04/04/2018 08:18

can you go and meet with the head? it seems pretty poor if ds is faced with leaving school on top of everything else if he doesnt hit 4 a grades.
you are probably not that sort of parent and neither am I but i think in the circumstances asking for some practical help from the school is in order. can they offer in school revision? can they show some leniency if he doesnt make the grades? can they be helpful with a plan for september full stop?

BalloonSlayer · 04/04/2018 08:18

Just re-read your OP - telling the school exactly how bad he is feeling will almost certainly mean that they lower their requirements for him to get into 6th form.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/04/2018 08:48

Your poor thing OP Flowers I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself though.
Can you talk to school and see if they can support him?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/04/2018 08:50

Yes, have ongoing contact with HoY and head if pastoral care

Get them to keep an eye out for him.

BalloonSlayer · 04/04/2018 11:38

Stormy I have PM'd you.

Original poster
StormySunshine · 04/04/2018 13:03

Thank you, Balloon, have replied.

OP posts:
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