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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate living in this big empty house by myself?

23 replies

JojoLewis · 04/04/2018 00:03

I don’t really know where to start but here goes. I’m 32, me and dh married 5 years ago, we saved and bought our dream house, it’s a big 5 bedroom house as dh had 2 children already and we were planning on having more. Anyway he passed away a year ago and now I’m here on my own all the time. I’m coping pretty well when I’m at work and have something to focus on, my dh ex is really nice and still lets me see his dd’s a couple of times a month but as soon as I come home I hate it and just sit around depressed or crying, lately I have been staying at my parents Friday and Saturday nights but I’m not sure if it makes it better or worse because it’s even harder when I go home. My family have suggested moving but I’m not sure that will help because it’s actually being alone that I hate and my dh loved this house and I would feel so sad and guilty to leave it behind. I don’t really have any close friends who come round to keep me company but have adopted 2 cats but it hasn’t helped much?

OP posts:

Glittered · 04/04/2018 00:09

Didnt want to read and run.
My partner dies 9 years ago.
Really shit time. I wasn't in a big house but definatly needed to move on. I moved into a little 2 bed house on my own for a couple of years while I came to terms with everything.
9 years later I'm in another relationship and i have 2 daughter's.
Maybe a fresh start is what you need?
It's only bricks and mortar
I'm sorry for your loss xx

Minniemannymoo · 04/04/2018 00:10

So sorry for your loss, could you rent the house out whilst moving into something smaller?

MadMags · 04/04/2018 00:12

Oh god, I’m so sorry.

I hear what you’re saying about it being alone rather than in that particular house. But it might feel a little less lonely being somewhere new and smaller.

Please don’t feel guilty! Leaving the house doesn’t diminish your husband’s memories in any way. He loved the house, but wouldn’t he have wanted you to be happy in your own home? Wouldn’t that have been more important to him?

Can you move closer to family?

snewsname · 04/04/2018 00:13

It's still early days. Go easy on yourself.

Have you considered renting it out for now and renting somewhere smaller for yourself. That way you keep your options open for later.

Perhaps rent in a trendy block of flats where there are other similar aged people. I made great friends and we had communal bbqs and get togethers when I lived in a flat.

It will get easier.

AtSea1979 · 04/04/2018 00:13

What minnie said
Also can you join some sort of hobbies to do in evening after work etc and widen your friendship groups?

butterfly56 · 04/04/2018 00:15

Agree with Minniemannymoo rent out the big house and rent something smaller which gives you the freedom to not feel stuck and able to move forward.

IlikemyTeahot · 04/04/2018 00:18

Sorry for your loss? My first thought was move...but I understand why you wouldn't want to.
all that comes to mind is if you would consider being a foster parent to offer temporary accomodation for kids/teens or respite to really young mums with babies ?

Raccoonsatemyscones · 04/04/2018 00:20

Sorry I've no real advice but wanted you to know you aren't alone in feeling this way. I too find myself rattling around the house now dh has passed away and I often take myself and my young kids to my parents to break up the week. It feels better leading up to and during staying at parents but when I get home it's like it really brings home how lonely I am and almost starts me grieving all over again. Could you find a hobby to get you out of the house/socialising? I'm quite introverted but I'm forcing myself to try new things so I at least have some adult conversation! I'm hoping warmer weather will help too as I feel like being in the home we created together with all of our things is a reminder of what I've lost/what should have been.

Sending you hugs

IlikemyTeahot · 04/04/2018 00:21

apologies the first question mark shouldn't be there x

Catinthecorner · 04/04/2018 00:26

Would you consider renting one or more of the rooms? You’d get to still be in the house but without that rattling around feeling. A friend of mine does this, she’s almost ten years older then you, never married, specifically mentions in her ads that she is looking for someone who’d enjoy a bit of socialising together. She’s had some fabulous housemates including a chef moving back to the uk who she hosted pop up dining events with and a lovely lady who enjoys cleaning. It’s a very personal decision but has worked for her as she hates living alone

morningconstitutional2017 · 04/04/2018 00:32

So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband seven years ago and I'll never really stop missing him no matter where I live. You bought your house together and I understand why you don't want to leave.

However, those memories will always be with you - you'll take them with you wherever you go.

In time you may feel like a fresh start to a newer, smaller house (easier to maintain, keep clean and cheaper to heat) where you'll have new neighbours and the move itself will give you something to focus on should you feel that this is right for you. Don't rush into any decisions. There is still a life for you, it's just not the one you planned so go easy on yourself.

SmileyBird · 04/04/2018 00:38

I am sure your husband loved the house in part because he imagined you both living there together.

It seems obvious to me that moving would be a good thing, but of course only you can decide when the time is right.

ibicus · 04/04/2018 00:51

Love❤️ you're partner would want you to be happy and the house obviously isn't making you happy. Do what's right for you and enjoy your life. We only have one life as ourselves so I think it's best to make the most of it. Sending lots of hugs your way.

NoqontroI · 04/04/2018 00:55

It's still early days op, big hugs to you. Hang in there, you'll be clearer in time on how to move forward. My DH died nearly 3 years ago and it's only recently that things have started to come together a bit more. I say this to everyone in the same position, but have you joined WAY (widowed and young) as they are brilliant for peer support both online and in the real world. I've met lots of friends through that who are going through exactly the same thing.

spontaneousgiventime · 04/04/2018 01:15

The year my DH died one DC got married and the youngest went to Uni. I found myself in a house far to big for me. I downsized to a two bed bungalow then in January downsized again to a one bed bungalow. I love it. It's in the same village as the family home, in-fact around 30 seconds away from the family home. The fresh start did help and now I'm settled here I am so pleased I'm close to the family home and that another family are enjoying the house we did.

It's all very personal, don't let anyone push you into anything, take your time and decide what's best for you.

Coyoacan · 04/04/2018 01:17

No experience of widowhood, but I do believe that your dh would want you to be happy, more than anything.

ibicus · 04/04/2018 01:18

Also I second what @likemeTeahot says. I'm a young mum and I was offered respite fostering although luckily I didn't need it but I think it would be a really meaningful and rewarding thing to do. Or to adopt- my mum was adopted and I'd love to adopt at some point. If kids bring you joy (and it sounds like they do) I would go for it. ❤️🌻

Shimshiminysheroo · 04/04/2018 03:22

So sorry for your loss

You are coping amazingly. Well done.

Your dh would only have wanted your happiness.

almondcroissantplease · 04/04/2018 15:54

Really sorry for your loss and I get why you want to stay in your house. A friend of mine is in a similar position and she created a self contained flat within the house which she lets out on air Bnb as well as some other rooms if and when she wants. The money means she can pay off her mortgage and live off the excess along with her pension. It also also a her to travel the world and go on holidays. She meets amazing people from all over the world and doesn't have to worry about tenants not paying up or damage as air Bnb manages that. She is interested in fostering in the near future- she loves kids and hers are grown up and she has more than enough space and love to give! Would any of those options work for you?

Likeawolf · 05/04/2018 18:04

I'm so very sorry for your loss ...

A friend of mine found himself in a similar position and found the charity WAY (Widowed and Young) very helpful. There are local divisions and you can meet up with people who truly understand what you are going through for walks, meals etc. It might be a way to feel less lonely but without having to put on the 'brave face' that you can feel forced to put on with people who haven't been through the same loss.

In case it's of interest, here's the link: www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

Bluelady · 05/04/2018 18:12

I couldn't read and run. I really feel for you. Don't make any decisions about the house yet, it must be full of memories and, in time, they'll stop being so painful and start making you smile. If you could find a compatible lodger, it might be a lot easier for you. I do hope you're less lonely soon. 🌷

MissionItsPossible · 05/04/2018 18:36

I am sorry for your loss

Would you think of getting a dog? Much more companionably than cats (imo). I don't know if that's compatible with your life though or if you would want a dog.

RoseAndRose · 05/04/2018 18:42

One day, you might be ready to move, and you'll just know that it's right.

For now, I'm sending you an unMNetty hug, and the suggestion of contacting a local university, of major employer, and see if you can let a couple of rooms.

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