To punish laziness

[Marypoppins19]

DS is 10 and we are not enjoying this current phase. He’s become very, very lazy. Can’t be bothered at school, his teacher is always saying that he just can’t be bothered. He’s having to be bribed to to home work or loose the iPad etc. At clubs he’s just being grumpy and can’t eh bothered to the point where the leaders have asked what the problem is. He’s being horrid to his brother constantly. Showing off, back chatting etc.
This morning he wanted to go on the Xbox so I said that’s fine but he needed to be really good this evening for his dad and try hard at swimming lessons. He had 4 hours on the Xbox and has been a nightmare this evening! He chucked his shoes at his dad in the changing room and couldn’t be bothered in his lesson.
He had the afternoon at a friends and plenty of fresh air, good food and praise. I’m seriously tired of trying to praise the good when all heh is doing is being a nightmare.

That's good.
Decide what you want. What is and isn't ok. Decide consequences together. A United front. And calm and clear response.
Gin helps.

We have a gamer and had the laziness and the attitude which is completely down to screen time.
We have a fairly complicated system negotiated accordingly. DS 11 is super sporty so it wasn't so much of a problem with him, but he slots into the timeframe when not playing football.The gamer's (DS14) conditions of play include a hour personal training and three home "cross-fit" sessions with DH.

The screen time rules in my house with a 11 and a 14 yr DS are:

Nothing before school. No TV till showered, dressed, packed lunches , and completely ready.
Afterschool - one hour after homework and chores and other commitments, and dinner. If homework takes longer - tough.
7-8 pm then downtime before bed. No devices in bedrooms and no use after 8.

Friday - 5-9 for DS11, 5-11 for DS14 ( organises "nights out" online with big group of friends) must break for dinner.
Weekends 10-4 no screentime. Rain, hail or shine.
If they sleep in ...too bad.
Saturday night ( see friday with earlier start time) . Sunday - 4-8 with dinner break.

Took a while and a bit of wheeling and dealing with DS14 but he improved his grades to be in a better negotiating position.
We've extended times as they got older on Friday and Saturday but most hasn't changed for about 4 years now.

So what's the punishment he gets for throwing his shoes at his father and for his general behaviour? You need to teach him there are consequences to his actions.

I'd sit down and talk to him. Explain his behaviour is unacceptable. I'd explain the Xbox is going in the cupboard for the next two weeks till his behaviour improves, and then he will earn time on it. He will throw a strop, but throwing his shoes at his father isn't ok at all.

To be honest, take the Xbox away. It's so easy to give in to them, and the cycle starts again etc etc. Don't reward his grumpiness.

It will be hard, he will be grumpy, he will get over it, and then reintroduce it when he's got through the grumpy phase, you all are getting along better and he understands that he needs to stick to the rules.

We accidentally on purpose lost our DS's tablet, he moped for a bit, but took it quite well and so we bought one with time limits on it and we are all happier.

Parenting is hard sometimes.

I’d take the Xbox away.

Some people, not just kids, just don’t do well when they have an electronic thing they’re ‘addicted’ to. It makes everything else seem like too much effort or boring, when instead you could play sitting/lying down, get totally absorbed in the game & there’s lots of colour and action.

If the Xbox isn’t an option, other things will again have some appeal (it’ll take a little while).

Obviously puberty etc will make them tired, grumpy, hormonal as well, but the Xbox will not be helping.

Our DS9 is properly annoyed with me because I'm making him go through a list of 6 things he needs to do to earn his screen time each day in the holidays.

They are:
-do some reading
-do some maths
-make something (paint/draw/construct/lego etc)
-help me with something (fold clothes or play with the baby)
-play outside

He hates it all but he's doing it nonetheless 😂

My eldest is coming 10 and is like this. To the point Iv introduced chore chart and he has to earn electronics time and then he can only do it after strop free homework being done. He's allowed 30mins each night now and an hour on sat and Sunday. His behaviour has improved though I'm getting lots of 'I'm bored'

Ds is 6 and I can see him getting more and more addicted to Minecraft. His behaviour is bloody awful if he gets too much time on it (not online, just him and dh building a world) so we've clamped down heavily. He's now allowed 45-60 mins on a Saturday and Sunday, nothing during the week. It's both fascinating and terrifying to see the changes screens and games can wreak in some children.

We’ve recently instigated a number of rules, including no screen time in the week and limited time at the weekends but only if they do a proportionate amount of physical exercise. Definitely improvements in their behaviour!! Fucking fortnite drives me honkers!!! The constant arguing and talking back and lippiness as well!! All changes when they aren’t gaming

I don't think bribing him or asking him to be good so he can go on the screens because he will say anything to get on the screens so y y mum i will be good now give me the ipad then it is time to be good meh. Set him limits for his screens consequences for behaviour stick to it.sounds like your son doesn't really care and you need to get to the root of that before he hitsthe teen years

I’d tell him as he didn’t behave as promised the x box is being removed until you see s marked improvement in behaviour. After that he can have it for 1 hour on a Friday evening and no more than 2 hours s day at weekends (all subject to continued good behaviour). He will prob say that doesn’t give him enough time to get into a game etc but be firm - maybe let him earn another hour by going an hour of chores. How is his swimming. For us swimming is as non negotiable as school until stage 8 with a very good understanding of water safety. Drowning is one of the leading causes of death worldwide so it’s viewed with corresponding seriousness in this house (sorry slightly off topic rant)

4 hours screen time...before you wanted him to 'behave'? Can you see where you went wrong? 🙄

Try using the Xbox as a reward...
He's already played on it so he's not bothered about his lesson.

Four hours is way too much as well!

I'd moderate what he's doing on his phone, his internet usage, his friends etc to find out what is making him behave that way.

DS is 10 and I could have written your post. What we do is reward good behaviour with Xbox. He also has to do some other playing or activity before he gets it. Sometimes there is negotiating (be good all day at grandmas and I'll give you an extra 30 mins) and we also take it away if he displays any aggression or rudeness. He initially would follow me around the house going "mummy how can I earn it back" but that happens less as I've spent a lot of time explaining that if I don't see a link between good behaviour and Xbox then there will be no Xbox.

Extremely tedious to manage and most days I wish I had never bought the bloody Xbox.

Both my ds's are like this. No interest in anything other than x box - and playing football for their football team, (which atleast means training twice a week plus playing a match on a sunday). it is a very difficult thing to control.

Ok so taken on board all comments. I’m not going to beat myself up over making a mistake, at least I’m trying to do something about it.
So we have talked about earning screen time, agreed how to earn it. Also talked about reasons for loosing time (not the earnt time but the ability to use the time earned). I think i need to keep trying to get to the bottom of his lazy attitude but poor self esteem doesn’t help him. I’m trying really hard

Of course you are trying we all try our best you want him to be happy and not this sullen moody boy,

Great attitude OP! Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best for him by doing something about it now. I hope you see some improvement.

That's good to hear. It is very hard work and he is bound to complain that you are making him unhappy by taking away the thing he enjoys. Just keep reminding yourself you are doing it for the good of his physical and mental health. It will make him a happier boy in the long term.

Short of being evil/violent laziness is the worst personality trait to have

There's always one who has to go to the extreme 🙄

Yes :( that final quote did make me gulp.

Today has been a really good start to an improved attitude. It’s going to get harder I think but new rules have at least started well.