To just be tired of letting people down?

[yesihavenamechange]

I have NC as I post here a lot. My friend and family live quite far away and have a lot going on so I just don't have anybody else to talk to really.

Four years ago I was pregnant with DC. It was rough. I had HG. I was signed off work for a lot of the pregnancy and when I went back in between co-workers made comments about me being 'pregnant, not ill' which ultimately led to my decision to leave while on maternity leave.

So I've been a SAHM for 3.5 years. DC has additional needs and we have a lot of assessments and appointments for them. Last year I got pregnant unexpectedly and miscarried at 12 weeks. Up until that miscarriage id struggled once again with HG and to see all that being in vain was so hard.

DH and I decided to try one more time for another DC and to accept the outcome. The outcome is I'm 30 weeks pregnant now with a healthy DC2. But I'm not healthy. I'm high risk. I inject blood thinners daily. I'm under a consultant. I have HG and take ondansetron up to 3x a day. HG leaves you feeling wiped out, a shell of yourself. I just about manage to deal with DC1. Just. As in he's clean and fed and seemingly happy. That's about it. We used to paint, bake, play. I can't remember the last time we did those things.

I regularly and consistently let down DH because I'm sick or exhausted. Today is his birthday. We were planning to go out in the car to a restaurant he's wanted to go to for ages. I would have to drive - DH can't. But it's a really bad day, I've thrown up twice. I feel weak. And sick. But mostly I feel intense guilt for not being able to facilitate a nice day for him. I constantly feel like my condition disappoints him. Today it's just come to a head a bit.

I have tried. I've baked him a cake - his favourite. DC and I did presents. We gave him a lie in. But he's, rightly, disappointed and told me I 'shouldn't have got his hopes up'.

But every time I can't manage to cook dinner. Every time I'm upstairs throwing up instead of supervising or playing with DC. Every time we abort a day trip or I have to ask DH to come to the supermarket with me because I feel too faint to go alone. I feel intense guilt and feelings of failure.

Maybe I AM crap at this? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough?

I've started masking and lying about how bad I feel, which helps nobody, but I'm aware I sound like a self-obsessed broken record.

I just don't know how to manage everybody's expectations of what I can and can't do. And tbh I'm just too exhausted to figure it out for myself. I know this is AIBU. I know you're going to be savage with me. But I'm just hoping for some advice to be in there somewhere I guess.

The thing is you and your dh must of known pregnancy was going to be difficult based on your previous pregnancy so the fact it is high risk and a struggle shouldn’t be surprising the two of you.

So no your not rubbish, your dh should be doing better tbh. You both decided to have another dc knowing pregnancy would be hard and his now sulking becuase he can’t go to the restaurant for dinner, well it’s just tough really isn’t it.

Your 30 weeks pregnant and struggling with the pregnancy so your dh should of stepped up by now with things like,
Cooking
Shopping
Days out ( just becuase you can’t go doesn’t mean your dh couldn’t take your dc and give you some quite time)

I feel for you. Managing other people's expectations (and even your own) is very difficult. I have a chronic illness that includes fatigue and I don't agree to plans in advance—I always have to say "I'll see how I feel on the day", or "I'll try to be there".

I would have thought your own husband would be more understanding, though. Is he fully aware of what this condition is and everything that comes with it?

As I understand it, your condition is temporary? (apologies if that's not the case)—but at least you have the consolation of being able to look forward to feeling 'normal' in the future.

You're right, DH hasn't 'stepped up'. But tbh I think he's ground down by it all too.

We did know what we were getting into. I think the reality is obviously harder, and we're knee deep in it now.

You’re not rubbish OP. But one thing I picked out; why hasn’t your DH learned to drive yet? Doesn’t that put extra pressure on you?

You've nothing to feel guilty about. You're going through a difficult pregnancy and it's not your fault. I'd have shopping delivered for the time being which ends trips to the supermarket. Don't make any plans for trips to restaurants or days out till you feel better. Or even decide on the morning to go out for lunch and go but don't make advanced plans. And your DH could have a day out with DS on his own.

I've offered to take DH for lunch locally. There are lots of nice places. He says 'I want to do what I wanted to do, I don't want to have a shit lunch'.

So that's that.

Your post makes me really sad! "Pregnant, not ill" doesn't apply if you have HG - you ARE ill, and your DH and former co-workers should be ashamed of themselves for not being more supportive!

You're not letting anyone down - your DH is expecting too much. You did make an effort for his birthday, in spite of your condition - you did what you physically could, and instead of showing gratitude for that, he expresses his disappointment?! That's really horrible behaviour! And whatever happened to his vow of "in sickness and in health"? HE is the one letting YOU down, not the other way around.

As for not being well enough to paint and bake with your son - that must be tough, but it can't be helped, and it's temporary. A couple more months and the baby will be here and you'll be feeling much better. You'll get back to your normal self and your DC1 won't even remember this. Be kind to yourself.

I've been thinking about self harming a lot. I haven't. I don't think I will. But I honestly have no other outlet for it all.

Your DH sounds like a pouty teenager.

OP, please don't self-harm - talk to your midwife or GP about how much you're struggling emotionally right now. This isn't forever.

I agree I need to contact midwife. But what can they do? My life won't change. They can't help me to feel better. I can't do regular counselling or anything because I have to care for DC.

That's a lot of can'ts, op. Just talking about it is a start and they may be able to offer support you can access with dc.

The midwives can help OP, they will at least make you feel like its OK to be feeling so bad/beaten down. You are NOT just pregnant, you are very ill. When I had HG (twice both miscarriages ) I could barely shower every day let alone cook and attempt to leave the house. You sound like you have been just run ragged and your DH is a disgrace expecting you to go out to lunch with HG. He needs a serious reality check, I think I would of just lost it with him...sulking ffs, how about he tries puking his guts up for weeks see how in the mood for sh*t he is then.
I hope you start to feel better soon or at least dealing with other peoples expectations better.

Your husband is an abusive shithead. You sound depressed and that's understandable given that you're pregnant, very ill and living with someone who treats you like dirt.

You are unwell. A grown man who thinks his special birthday treat trumps his partner's health is a child.

Why could he drive btw? If he just hasn't bothered to learn yet is disappointed in you for not driving you both while ill he's an absolute selfish twat. As I'm sure you know.

I've offered to take DH for lunch locally. There are lots of nice places. He says 'I want to do what I wanted to do, I don't want to have a shit lunch'

He sounds like a fucking child. Is he always so self-involved?

Oh OP I'm sorry you're feeling rough. It sounds horrible for you. But it's not your fault so please don't feel guilty

Your DH sounds like a pathetic man child to be honest

Your H sounds absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry.

Oh OP l feel so sorry for you, your DH is behaving like a spoilt brat...the trouble is with most men (and some women) they have never felt that ill in their life so have little empathy.

As you both decided to go ahead and try for Dc, he should man up and accept the restrictions, if he really wanted to go to X restaurant for his Birthday, he should have organised to go with friends on the proviso you only went if you felt well enough, and got a lift!

He should have learnt to drive to take the pressure off you, does he not realise how dangerous being nauseous and possibly sick when driving is?

I had horrible pregnancies but not neaqrly as bad as yours so l can only imagine what you are going through. DS will not even remember this time so please forget that.

Kick your guilt ourt of the window firmly, you are making a huge sacrifice with your health to give you DH a baby.

If he is unsympathetic again, say ' think of your worst ever hangover combined with novovirus, that is how l feel EVERY DAY.'

Repeat as necessary until he realises.

You are over 3/4 the way there op, just count off the days, you will have a lovely baby and feel well again soon.

I've spoken to DH. I'm going to contact my midwife this week to see if they can help. I'm a bit worried they'll just tell me to see the GP, and the problem will get shunted around.

I know I need help though.