To stop sending nieces and nephews presents

[totallywicked]

Me and my LS were extremely close but she has now loved away and not so anymore.

Children same'ish ages. I always send presents and cards for children's birthday. She has done the same but past 2 years there's been nothing. We don't have a big family so not a lot to keep up with. Daughters just turned 7 this weekend, she's noticed there's nothing from aunt: she only has one, no other siblings.

Not even that assed about a present but it doesn't take a lot to send a card.

I know IABU by just annoys me that I always recongnise and gift her children a birthdays and she doesn't mine

I think you should send cards, but only cards. That shows you have not simply forgotten. You have remembered the birthday but chosen not to send a present.

If they have the brass necked CF-very to comment you can look bewildered and say "But I thought we didn't do presents anymore" If you feel particularly annoyed you could point out they haven't even done cards for the last few years

My lad is connected to five members of the family on Facebook. Yes the one that reminds you of every birthday and then reminds you the day after if you have not sent a message. Not one of them sent him a message last year despite seeing him just a few days beforehand. Same this year and it was a significant one. Breaks my heart that they think less of him than he thinks of them.
I would keep sending. This is about the kids and I would never want them to feel like mine do.

@OwlinaTree
Bad guy to my neices/nephews.

I think that's your perception. Most kids don't care.

If they do care, well that's a bit grubby and more a reflection on how they are being raised.

Similar situation here. DH’s family all stopped sending to DD after her 2nd birthday. No explanation, no reason. Nothing for birthdays or Xmas. The other (now) 6 local grandchildren get regular presents, but nothing from DD from DH’s parents or his 3 siblings. We carried on buying for their kids for a while but not anymore. DD is now 7 and notices the discrepancy (a bit). It’s hard to explain it to her when we have no idea why ourselves (and DH won’t ask outright).

(Very) fair enough to be very annoyed with your sister - but the gifts are for your nieces and nephews not her.

It sounds like you want to be a good aunt - so be one.

These kinds of things can be really important for kids and I think it would be really nice to preserve that and keep it separate to family politics. I think it can be a nice thing for your as well as the kids.

Aunties are very important!

If you can see that your children are disappointed not to receive a gift from her, then why would you want to do that to your nieces /nephews? It's making a point to your sister but the children should get caught up in it

I know you don't give to receive but some people do just take the piss. I gave to my DSis's children every year for birthday and Christmas, and never once got a thank you.

When my DC was born and the first birthday came around, I was a bit disappointed when nothing was sent to her. My DM asked Dsis about and she appeared horrified and said she'd forgotten about it, but didn't send a belated gift.

I decided to ignore this and still gave to her DC, but never once was anything given to mine. After a couple of years, I got a text from her one Christmas to say her children didn't think they'd got aynthing from me this year, and I told her they did and described the gifts. They had got them, they just hadn't paid any attention to who they were from, so that was the last straw for me. Giving is one thing; giving to ungrateful recipients who barely notice the gift and never say thank you is quite another.

We stopped sending to dp's niece and nephew after getting no thank yous ever, not even texts. We hardly ever see them and it just seemed ridiculous to be sending gifts to virtual strangers. Could this be a factor here?

I wouldn’t stop sending them.

The argument that they will still get plenty of presents and cards anyway, doesn’t stand - they won’t have had a card from you and they’ll know and remember it. You can never have too much love.

My dad died when I was a kid, I barely saw my aunts after that. All I’d done was lose a parent. Later on, I could see on FB that my cousin was still getting gifts when she had her babies and mine had got nothing. I’d done nothing to those aunts. The children are not an extension of your sister, they are people in their own right. Whenever I see those aunts I am so hurt that they just forgot about us, and this isn’t about my Dad, this is about how they treated me personally. Don’t be that aunt.

I had this with a family member. Four children who I sent gifts to for every birthday and Christmas (and gave them a gift whenever I saw them when it was just two children). Then I had my first child and nothing! I was then told by another family member that they had told her to tell me not to exchange any more gifts because I had enough expense buying my own children presents! Of course, it was said as if they were doing me a big favour, which it was though at the time when I had my first baby, it felt like they were passing over him without any acknowledgement which hurt.

Present giving is a two way thing. Stop.

After a couple of years, I got a text from her one Christmas to say her children didn't think they'd got aynthing from me this year, and I told her they did and described the gifts.

That's awful. She never sent your kids a thing but texted you to ask why her kids didn't receive from you. I'm glad you stopped.

Maybe stop sending presents, still send a card though. I have 3 aunties: 1 of which has never really bothered with me at all and we have no relationship now (her choice, imo).

If you don't even acknowledge them with a card, one day your nieces and nephews will be old enough to realise that you don't care about their birthdays, and take that personally. Not a nice feeling for kids (or adults). Be the bigger person. Plus talk to your sister about it, unless you've had a massive falling out over something serious, life is too short for misunderstandings.

@Mymycherrypie

Your situation is different because your aunts were buying for your cousins but not. It's not fair to treat a child differently. But OP's situation is different.

Lacucuracha I don't think she saw the irony of it, especially as I had sent gifts!

Present giving is a two way thing. Stop.

It is hardly the children that aren’t reciprocating. 7 year olds aren’t sat there thinking “oh let’s not bother sending aunt her card this year/I haven’t had a chance to go to the card shop/I can’t afford it”. Yet it’s the children who will feel forgotten. Dont let those kids down just because of her actions.

But even if they weren’t buying for my cousins I would still wonder where the fuck they went. I only found out about my cousins kids last year. Before that I just thought, ah well, they were obviously just pretending to like me.

But isn't it then even more awful for children who watch their parents send presents to their cousins knowing that they won't get anything from their aunt/uncle? Why is it ok for them to be 'punished'?

@Lacucuracha I’m that scenario I would just explain to my DC that we don’t give to receive. The fact her aunt doesn’t send anything has no bearing on my relationship as an aunt to her cousins. We don’t need to sink to someone else’s level or copy what they do. Her relationship with my sister is completely separate to my relationship with my nieces/nephews.

I actually have one SIL who “doesn’t do Easter”. I’ve still sent both her children Easter baskets, as I have the other 9 nieces and nephews. My children don’t bat an eyelid and wouldn’t really connect the fact they don’t get anything but I send. No way would I leave my niece and nephew out just because their mum doesnt send my kids stuff. It’s not their fault and I would be disappointed in myself if I did. At least, when they’re 18, they know I never forgot them at events (and other times of year when I see them).

I don't think I would have liked it as a child.

With Easter eggs, I agree that if you're sending to nieces/nephews, then you should send to all of them.

@totallywicked can you talk to your sister about this. My sister is financially very strapped for cash at the moment so we talked about things and I suggested that she give my kids her kids left over toys, works well for now, my son loved it! I've made it clear that I don't expect anything much and actually for my 'grabby' son the wrapping is quite important!

My sister got three small things and wrapped them together and he was upset (he was about 5) so the next year she wrapped three tiny things separately and he was happy!

Kids love sweets (well mine do) so really any child-centered gift is good. I am not even sure kids care about the card, but maybe that could be for you, because if you only have one sister I think it does matter. My kids sometimes make cards and gifts or do special pictures for their God parents and all this feels special but costs next to nothing.

I don’t think I could write off my nieces and nephews just because my sister didn’t send stuff to mine. I’d feel hurt for my kids, of course. And maybe say to the sister that the kids really miss receiving a card from you, it just reminds them that you are thinking of them type thing.

I’d use it as a lesson to my own as well, that auntie maybe hasn’t had time to send a card but that it’s not their cousins fault so we shouldn’t forget them because of someone else.

Oh my goodness, the drama on this board. No one is suggesting she writes off her neices and nephews. She is not going NC. Only a conversation about gift giving will determine why her sister has stopped and as the OP is posting on here then I assume its a conversation she doesn't want to have.

Do you talk to your sister about the gifts? Do you ask/text about what they are into? What they would like? When you are posting them, do let her know so she can look out/ expect them etc. How does she respond?

The thing is present givers drift in and out of our lives. Neighbours, friends and colleagues and yes family that move away or decide not to bother with birthdays. Its just one of those things. I think its unfair for you children to watch you wrap gifts for their cousins when their parents can't bothered. You could ALSO use it as a life lesson, that burthdays and christmas are not that important to some people and some people are super busy. OP its been two years, have a convesation or take the hint.

We have moved abroad now but we were good friends with a former neighbour, swapping gifts for birthdays and Christmas. Now the cost of postage etc is prohibitive on limited budgets. We swap cards, write a one page letter and include a few silly photographs (thank you cheap prints at photobox) cats with Santa ears on, kids and dog wearing football scarfs, Children pulling faces etc. Both sets of kids love it. Birthdays are still acknowledged without the tyranny or as in our case postage cost of gifts. However, may be difficult in your case as your sister is not doing cards.

We have the same here, nothing for Christmas or birthdays for two years now.
But I always send her children a card and money, its not the childrens fault.
I know how it felt like when I was a child, wouldnt do the same to any child.