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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is jealous of me?

45 replies

PennyDreadfull · 02/04/2018 20:56

I really hate feeling like this. Please bear with me.

For context, my dad was killed in an accident when I was 14 and since then my relationship with my mum has been strained to say the least, due to the fact that for 15 years she refuses point blank to talk to me and my younger sister about it. She is a "stiff upper lipped, I never talk about my feelings and I hate it when people dare to show their emotions" person.

Anyway.. We have an awkward relationship. I do enjoy spending time with her though, and vice versa. She does send me sweet texts etc, like "missing you sweetheart" and things like that occasionally.

Over the last couple of years she's been making constant digs, snide comments, all negativity dressed up as a joke if you get what I mean.
For instance I will mention that I've arranged a fun day out with my DH at the weekend, and she'll say with a gleam in her eye, "oh it's supposed to rain that day!" and kind of look smug while she's saying it.
Or I'll jokingly say that I've been invited to a karaoke event, and I'm quite excited because I like karaoke.. She'll put on a sneering expression and say "you sad sad person" then laugh like it was meant to be funny. I actually think that this is quite rude.

Then there is the way she tries to "up" me whenever I tell her of any plans or something I've bought.
"DH and I have booked a weekend in Paris in the summer, I can't wait!"
She will smile (just about) comment that she's been there dozens of times, and two minutes later she'll be telling me her plans for two weeks in Egypt in the autumn.
It's almost constant, and it's getting to the point where I'm sick of seeing her.

It's more the way she says things, always with a sneer, always with a put down, and then she'll follow it with a little laugh so it comes across like she's just joking.

Is she jealous of me and my sister (she does it to her as well) or am I looking too hard into this?

OP posts:
AnneProtheroe · 02/04/2018 20:59

She's one of life's "better than you" people. Book a holiday to Tenerife and she prefers Elevenerife. Hmm

troodiedoo · 02/04/2018 21:01

Yeah some people are just like that unfortunately. Train yourself to not tell her anything.

Busybusybust · 02/04/2018 21:04

Yes, she’s jealous. But maybe she doesn’t realise how horrid she’s being. I’d challenge her on it. For the sake of your relationship, you can’t carry on like this.

mrsmainz · 02/04/2018 21:05

Does sound that way OP. I would retort every time with
"Sigh..wish I could go to/been to/be as good as you are" - she will soon get the picture.

SandraGreen · 02/04/2018 21:06

Just stop telling her things!

beckieperk · 02/04/2018 21:09

Your mum is "black dogging" you. See also elevenareef (above). You should deffo start taking the piss as suggested. Or just confront her outright....tell her she's getting on your tits. Grin

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/04/2018 21:11

I have a jealous mother

I find it difficult to not tell her things but I have leant to tell her less. I am still, not always consciously, wanting her approval (our relationship too broke down for very different reasons)

But I have accepted that we shall never have the relationship I want and that makes it easier. Is still hurtful and annoying at times but gets easier once you accept it isn’t the way you want the relationship to be

JontyDoggle37 · 02/04/2018 21:12

My mum does this. Maybe without the sneer, but whatever I tell her, she will immediately either think of the worst possible thing that could happen in that scenario or she’s done it/had it before even if the linkage is incredibly tenuous. So now I tell her virtually nothing. I ask her how she is, and if she asks how I/DH/DS are, the answer is always ‘fine’, even if one of us is in hospital - because her response is likely to be ‘oh they might die’.
She is old and frail, so rather than call her out on it and cause a massive upset, I mostly just ignore it/have a bit of a rant when I get off the phone (my DH is a saint) but I do call her out on being miserable about everyday life I.e. it’s cloudy outside but otherwise dry and warm will be translated as ‘oh it’s iust terrible,miserable out there today’. I think in my mother’s case she has little else to do (housebound) and her own outlook on life is so negative she applies it to everyone else, whereas I’m the complete opposite.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 02/04/2018 21:13

Could she be meaning it as jokes (some people say those type of things and think they are banter or jokes when infact it's annoying to the person it's aimed at)

Don't give your mum any reaction,

For example if you say you are going out with dh and she says it will rain that day, say something like I don't mind, a bit of rain won't spoil my day..

And if she comments on your karaoke and calls you sad, say something like , that is true, I am sad, sad I didn't do it sooner, I find it so much fun

In other words, no matter what her comment is, turn it back on her by firing back a positive response...

If she is deliberately being catty to you she won't be able to bear it and will show her true colours when she realises she isn't affecting you

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 21:16

No, you're not being too hard. She sounds insecure and a bit bitter.

Has she built a life for herself after your dad's death, friends, job, partner?

I would gently challnge her each time with a big smile. If she starts about Egypt, say 'hang on, Mum, let me finish about Paris'. If she says it's going to rain on a day out, say 'Oh a little rain won't melt us.'. If she calls you a sad person, say 'That's not very nice, Mum. That's hurtful.'

If you keep quiet after he comments, you give her license to continue making them. I love my mum to bits but I always tell her when she is BU or a bit hurtful.

BMW6 · 02/04/2018 21:17

When she says something negative laugh and say "Oh Mum you are SUCH a ray of sunshine" and smile at her with one eyebrow raised.

Ghanagirl · 02/04/2018 21:19

Sorry Op some Mums are like this (mine) all I can say is please don’t let her come between you and your sister😕

sockunicorn · 02/04/2018 21:23

@beckieperk I just typed "black dogging" into google to see if this is an official term and what it meant as it sounded very interesting......thats me signed up for 50 years worth of porn side bars and adverts then Blush Grin

PeppermintPasty · 02/04/2018 21:26

A classic MN line I used on my mother when we were in contact was "Did you mean to say that out loud?".

Ah, the happy memories I have of the odd occasions that it would shut her up or give her pause...

...I love mumsnet Grin

HeyRoly · 02/04/2018 21:28

Sounds like if she wasn't your mother she'd be a "frenemy", right?

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 02/04/2018 21:29

My mother was like this. I am angry with myself that I let it hurt me for so long instead of rising above it in some of the ways wisely suggested here. To make it worse, she & my sister were a team doing it together to me - they both seemed to feel my sister was much more deserving than me, that it was unfair when anything nice happened to me because it should have happened to my sister. I particularly remember when I got engaged and the family were all congratulating me on what a lovely man my DH was - my mum & sister were saying it with a disbelieving resentful tone as if to say a lovely husband was more than I deserved!

Laiste · 02/04/2018 21:31

I have the same OP. Makes snide remarks about anyone who does. Wasting money going to actual places when you can watch a documentary and just see it on the telly ect.

For eg. DH and i went to Italy for our honeymoon. We were very excited. She told me totally seriously that she thought we'd be ''disappointed by the Sistine Chapel'' as she's just seen a documentary on it and it has been cleaned and now isn't all that Hmm Yes. Right. We went to see the pyramids 6 years ago and she didn't want to hear about that when we got back at all. She cut me off and talked about the post woman's dog for half an hour. Hey ho.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/04/2018 21:38

Yes, one of those 'better than you' people - they always have to be one up.

I had an aunt like this - I'll call her B. My mother was once telling me about some friend who had a rare disease. My father chipped in at once with, 'For God's sake don't tell B - she'll know someone who's had it twice.'

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 02/04/2018 21:41

She's definitely jealous. Tell her nothing.

TheJoyOfSox · 02/04/2018 21:44

Don’t bother telling her any more of your plans. If she’s that way inclined, she’ll probably not even notice.

FlashTheSloth · 02/04/2018 21:44

YANBU. I Hate it when people dress up an insult or something rude as a 'joke.' No it wasn't a joke, it's your way of saying the truth (or opinion) that you won't come right out an say. I had a colleague who would hilariously 'joke' that I didn't make the tea enough. I did do my fair share but often got engrossed in work. Her 'jokes' were not funny and I made it clear when I didn't laugh along. She did 'joke' a lot. She wasn't joking. She was being a bitch. Just like your mum is.

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2018 21:48

@Sockunicorn god, same!!! Thanks for that @beckieperk Grin

Corkscrewbetty · 02/04/2018 22:11

Never heard of "black dogging". Googled it. Regret it.

Original poster
PennyDreadfull · 02/04/2018 22:13

Thanks for the replies... Yes my mum has actually got a nice circle of friends, she goes out with them fairly often, she has a voluntary job that she does, she has 2 grandchildren that she sees regularly and keeps herself pretty busy. She's not struggling financially and she owns a nice house.
On paper, she should be happy and have no reason to be jealous of anyone?!
Maybe because her husband is no longer with us, and I still have my DH?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 02/04/2018 22:13

From now on, only tell her about things after the fact and when they turned out really well. She won't be able to piss on your parade and it will infuriate her.