to want dp to lose weight?

[comfortmonitor]

When I was pregnant I put on a lot of weight, about 5 stone but since giving birth a year ago I have tried really hard to get back to normal and have lost most of it now (this is relevant).

DP also put on weight when I did but has kept gaining. He's been feeling sad recently because non of his clothes fit him anymore. I try to encourage being healthy as a family like buying and cooking healthy meals and snacks but he's not interested. He drinks quite a lot every night too. I haven't been lecturing him every time he opens the fridge, just persuading him to have a meal at home instead of a takeaway he wants and things like that.

The past few weeks he's been complaining of chest pains when he's eating a big/greasy meal. I've asked him to go to the doctors and he won't, but it's really scared me that he will have a heart attack or something 🙁 I've told him that i'm worried about his health but it just gets made into a joke and he said to me "I put up with you when you were chunky".

So now do I just leave him alone? I'm honestly worried after seeing info on health risks linked to obesity but don't want to be nasty and upset him.

Well the chest pains sounds like reflux, but I'm no expert.

And he should only lose weight if he wants to. Wouldn't blame you for not finding him as attractive though.

If he wants to then you can encourage it, but don't tell him he should.

How much weight has he put on?

Personally I would be brutal and ask him if he wants to be around in ten years to see his children.
I have been obese for 18 years since I was 15 and have just lost 2st5lbs on SW I'm on track to lose another 6st5lbs for Feb 19.
I'm doing it for me and I'm doing it because I'm fed up been miserable and saying no I can't do stuff and also because I want to see my children grow up.
Ultimately it's his choice but he's obviously feeling insecure if he's picking on your previous pregnancy gain.
As for the drinking. The money he would save would but him new clothes etc at the end of the month so it's a fab incentive.
He needs a proverbial kick up the arse.

He's likely to get diabetes, high BP, cholesterol, ischemic heart disease, angina.

probably he's feeling down and embarrassed. Take him to the GP and I echo SW, ladies there love having the chaps - it really isn't a womans thing these days

I don't think you can do any more. Keep focusing on family health, model good habits yourself, and be non judgementally accepting of him as a person. (Think of it like your focus on it giving him something to push against - without you pushing he might fall up against wanting to change).

Time for tip-toeing around the issue is over. His obesity affects your attraction to him and it also puts his life and your family's future in jeopardy. If he wants to find himself in an early grave, or find himself disabled at a young age, he'll keep gaining weight, or he can deal with reality and get his health in order. Only he can make the needed changes, but that doesn't mean you just have to sit quietly and watch him kill himself.

Tbh you can't make someone lose weight. You have expressed your concerns about his weight and I'd leave it at that. Iv been up and down weight wise all my life. Iv now been obese for last two years. If dh kept.mentioning it I'd probably start eating in secret

And the BP will affect his erections as well.

Every 2 stone 'buries' shaft length by half an inch...

YANBU.
If your partner was undereating, causing long term heath problems would you keep quiet and just tell them you love them whatever weight they are or would you be seriously concerned, keep on at helping them to gain weight and get help and even be forcing them to eat if you had to?
Its no different I wouldnt want my partner eating himself into illness any more than I would want him starving himself into illness.

Excessive drinking and eating, could he be depressed?

You aren't wrong to want a slimmer partner, just like the man who admitted that he didn't fancy his wife and got torn to shreds on here wasn't wrong either. You can't help who you find attractive - as an overweight person myself, I was much more attractive when I was slimmer.
However, you can't browbeat anyone into losing weight - they've got to want it too. Their body, their choice. Of course, its also your body, your choice - so if you don't enjoy sex anymore then you shouldn't feel obliged.

I've been where you are in being worried sick about my DP and his health due to him being very overweight.

It took me a long time to persuade him to come to SW with me (staying to meetings). We made a deal that he'd try it for a month and see how he got on. A year later, he's 7 stone lighter and he says it's changed his life. He had high blood pressure which is back to normal and acid reflex which he now hasn't had an episode of for months. He's also out of the danger zone for risk of type II diabetes.

I know in DP's case there would have been no point nagging him. I always made sure he knew that I loved and fancied him no matter what he looked like, that there was no shame involved but that I wanted him to be healthy and live a long and happy life. Having had experience of ExDH making me feel utterly repulsive because of my weight, I absolutely did not want to make him feel like that and knew that it would have been counter-productive anyhow. It took a long time (a couple of years) for him to agree to try it - I guess he had to be in the right mental space to do it - though he knew how worried I was too.

I really recommend SW as a way to do it - if possible staying to meetings rather than just weighing and going. You can still have proper filling meals - just with a couple of tweaks, and its ethos is totally non-judgemental.

I think he is depressed yes, but that's another thing he won't go to doctors about. That's why I'm worried about what I say to him. Slimming World is a good idea but I know he wouldn't go 😕

@Nemophilist I love the idea of the drink money for clothes. We are struggling with money at the moment so he hasn't bought new clothes for ages. Thank you I will ask him about that one!

I wonder if he would try SW online. That is amazing weight loss by your dh @EyepatchOfTravis ! My dm did SW for years and I followed some of it with her so I might mention it to him actually.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Don't make it about how he looks or physical attraction or sex, tell him you're concerned for his mental and physical health, tell him you love him, your child/ren love him, you don't want to see him in an early grave.