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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lonely

15 replies

Mollieben · 02/04/2018 19:32

I have a group of friends who I have been friends with for a long time. We are all very close but also have other friends each - me slight less than them as I am very shy. The one that I am closest too has a new group of friends who she sees all the time. She usually invites me too but I feel that they don't like me much and they intimidate me tbh. The problem is that it's got to the point that I won't see much of my friend if I don't mix with these others. What should I do? I feel so lonely but I just don't want to hang around with them - they make me feel so insignificant :(

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 19:36

If this is a good friend I would suggest you just tell her that you would prefer to see her on her own. If she values your friendship she will honour this.

Original poster
Mollieben · 02/04/2018 20:34

Yes she probably would. I guess it just hurts that I'm not her first choice anymore - I know that's childish but... I have tried with the other people but it fills me with dread seeing them

OP posts:
Homemenu1 · 02/04/2018 20:41

Can you work on what causes the dread? IS it the people, are they unkind or your shyness? Tbh I’m very shy and have lost friends this way, it’s sad. I’m really trying to stop it from happening again

Original poster
Mollieben · 02/04/2018 20:45

They are all very confident and I feel like I am boring to them. There's nothing very special about me. I end up trying too hard and saying something stupid

OP posts:
Homemenu1 · 02/04/2018 20:48

What the alternative though? Keep going and making the effort, or become lonely, o get people will say if she’s a good friend then she won’t mind, but I’ve found people tend to like group outings and have limited time so enjoy seeing a group of people.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/04/2018 20:49

Ah I didn't want to read and run. Flowers hopefully I can bump this so someone useful can come along

What makes you think they don't like you? I'm just wondering if it could be projected from you - feeling shy and dread and not wanting to go out with them. Have you spoken to anyone about your shyness? Sometimes it can be really debilitating. Maybe some mindfulness at home or something might help?

Sorry I'm just spouting ideas really. But I wouldn't say that you're not your friends first choice any more. She's just meeting people. She still invites you. I see it as a very positive thing that she's not just ditching you for her new mates. Take care of yourself Flowers

Sparklesocks · 02/04/2018 20:50

Maybe she senses your shyness and is trying to integrate you into this new group to help you?
If you’re not happy though you need to speak to her openly about how you feel, or do the organising yourself to set up meetings involving Just the two of you

Schnauzermum2 · 02/04/2018 20:56

Can you invite your friends over to yours for dinner or go to the theatre or away for a weekend? I’ve been in this position too it’s horrible to be so shy and lack self esteem, you start to see everything as your fault and that no one really likes you - which really isn’t true at all. Your friends still want to spend time with you

GirlsBlouse17 · 02/04/2018 20:57

Maybe you just don't have anything in common with them. What interests and hobbies do you have? What are you good at?

Original poster
Mollieben · 03/04/2018 08:07

Thanks all - I think it's best to step back from it and put some more effort into other friendships. I will never enjoy being with this group of people - they make me doubt myself too much. I am sad that it will result in seeing much, much less of my 'best' friend but its making me unhappy to try so.. Thanks for all your advice x

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 03/04/2018 08:20

Why can’t you still meet up with this friend seperately? Maybe you could arrange some stuff with Just the two of you?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 03/04/2018 09:01

Mollie, I think you should be honest with your friend. Tell her that you can see she enjoys the company of this other group and would never want to get in the way of that, but it’s just not for you and you would prefer to see her one-to-one.

If she really is a good friend, then she’ll be horrified that you are persevering with what is for you an uncomfortable situation for her sake and will readily agree to meet up with you separately. If she wants you to continue fitting in with the current situation, regardless of your feelings, then she’s not as good a friend as you thought she was and you deserve better.

It sounds like she has met a group of confident extroverts who are good fun on a night out. But those kinds of friends are ten a penny. Real friends are the rare ones who are quietly there for you in difficult times too. If your friend does not realise this and does not cherish your companionship enough to accommodate your quieter ways, be assured that others will be more appreciative of you in the future.

TaytoAllDay · 03/04/2018 10:09

Just say you'd like to meet her one-to-one as you're more comfortable in 1-1 settings rather than in groups etc

Being shy is so hard sometimes! Join a club with similar interests maybe to help boost your confidence? Flowers

Original poster
Mollieben · 03/04/2018 18:24

I told her how I feel by message which she saw at 2pm but no reply so that's my answer I guess! Hurts as we've been friends for about 20 years but hey ho....

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 03/04/2018 21:07

She is probably just giving your message some thought and deciding on how to craft a thoughtful reply so give her a bit of time and space to consider this

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