Mixed sex sleepovers?

[upsideup]

My 11 (in a week) year old and NDN's 11 year old ds have been best friends since they were 6. NDN's also have 2 kids similar ages to my 3 younger kids so quite often all 7 of them have a sleepover in one of our living rooms but currently every few weeks the older two will just have a sleepover together if the younger kids are too tired.

MiL said this morning that now they are both starting senior school they wont be allowed to have sleepovers anymore. I definately am not ready to start sexualising their friendship like that but it made me think about when (and if) we need to start doing that.

I guess my AIBU is for still allowing it now but then if you think I'm not when would you stop it? Of course it is possible they wont want to or might not even be friends in a few years but hypothetically?

I think they will most likely make that decision themselves at a time that's appropriate to them and probably before too long. Don't make them feel weird & ashamed about their friendship unless you have other concerns.

DS, DD and their female cousin used to have regular sleep overs. I stopped DS going when he turned 12.
I just told him (and MIL and BIL) that they were getting too old to sleep in the same room.

I definately dont want to do anything to discourage the friendship, I'm actually really glad she is friends with a boy without saying hes her boyfriend and I'm also really glad she has a best friend out side of school where all her frienships seem to be messy and its very much the girls and the boys, if you are caught talking to someone of the opposite sex then you are automatically in a relationship.
I cant imagine them making the decision for themselves any time soon though.

I would let them figure things out by themselves.

By the by for the people who are worried about sleepovers with teens of the opposite sex, would you be as worried about sleepovers with teens of the same sex if one was gay? What about bisexual teens, best avoid all sleepovers?

Honestly, when I was 11/12, that was the point at which (single-sex) sleepovers started getting derailed by puberty. I remember: girls comparing how much their breasts had grown (as a result of a dare, and a quick flash, not hours spent analysing) a neighbouring boy being called up on the landline when the hosts mother wasn't looking and teased to come over and sneak in a window (he didn't and none of us would have known what to do if he did), 'older' books being sneaked in and sex-related passages read out and all kinds of jokes and dares and behaviours that make sense in the light of children collectively figuring out what's happening to them but which I'd be wary of in a mixed-sex context, esp given their access to phones as recording devices and the darkest recesses of the internet.

In reality though, it is a really hard one to call. It may be totally overreacting to call a stop to it, it may be that if anything happens/shifts in anyone's relationships you'll be the last to know by several months and things could happen in that time that are too much for this involved. But I definitely think it's time to start thinking about it, and in a way, senior school seems a much better arbitrary line than watching for something to change- that can be argued away, saying 'once you reach this age it isn't appropriate anymore in case things change in the future' not so much.

I'm with your MIL. Going to secondary acts as a natural break point.

When my 13 year old niece stays over with us, she stays in my son's bedroom, (he's 14,) because he has one of those high sleeper beds with a pull out sofa bed underneath. Sometimes my daughter,11, goes in with them too in a camp bed on the floor. There's no room in my daughter's bedroom for my niece to stay and they're all perfectly happy with the arrangement. They've grown up together and I just can't feel that it's in any way inappropriate.

If you were talking about a new friend that they had just met in high school, I'd probably feel weird about it, but a long term family friend who they've grown up with feels totally different to me. As long as they're both still comfortable with it of course.

I don't get it. MIL says they won't be allowed. By whom?

I wouldn't stop it tbh. If it was a new friend they'd just met at school or whatever then I'd perhaps be a bit dubious but they've been friends for a long time and possibly still will be friends for a long time to come. There might be a point where they stop sleepovers on their own accord but I wouldnt go out of my way to stop it just because they're getting older.

I had sleepovers with my friends once a month, there were 4 girls and 3 boys. We'd all been good friends since we were four and had sleepovers until we were around fifteen. Most of us are still friends now in our late twenties. Nothing untoward ever happened between any of us. I'd have been really upset if my mum stopped me sleeping over just because we were getting older.

I definately am not ready to start sexualising their friendship like that but it made me think about when (and if) we need to start doing that.
You never need to do that, I'm hoping you just phrased that rather badly . It will never be your job as a parent, at any point, to encourage your DCs toward a sexual view of their friendships; who they have relationships, and what kind if relationship, is their choice, not yours.
This, combined with your mils statements on what is 'allowed', suggest some very strange boundaries in your family.

When I was at senior school, my group of friends was mixed - and we had mixed-gender sleepovers from the ages of 11/12 to 16/17, one every other month or so, at various parents houses. There was nothing even remotely sexual going on - just a very good group of friends, in individual sleeping bags, slouched around someone's front room, watching endless horror movies on VHS. Our parents trusted us to behave - and we did. Impeccably.

Having said that, though, my son is 13 and has a mixed group of friends and, given the fact that they all had sex-ed classes from the time of early primary school up, most have social media accounts (my son doesn't, because he doesn't want to), I know that I'd not trust them the same way that my friends/my own parents trusted my friends and me to behave. Children today... aren't children anymore. They're mini-adults in a way that my generation weren't. Yes, my group of friends and I giggled and were curious about the opposing gender/sex in general - but certainly nothing other than teasing about who'd eaten the last bag of popcorn and arguing over the TV remotes went on.

My DS is 16 and there is very much a mixed group of friends and they have mixed sex sleepovers but they are all just mates and they think it is weird if anyone suggests something else might be going on!

We do it by having a more waking sleepover, they hang about the living room with sleeping bags watching movies all night with the door open. The parents all do the same.

We do it by having a more waking sleepover, they hang about the living room with sleeping bags watching movies all night with the door open.
Sounds a bit like a sort of sleep deprivation interrogation technique