To feel a lot less close to my family singing having DD

[pinkpjs1374]

I am always hearing stories of how ladies feel closer to their mothers after having children. However for me it is the other way around. I raise DD very different to how I was raised. I got a lot of comments at first from family members esp my mum about me breastfeeding, holding DD too much and so on. My sister is also a big cause of problems and she has on a number of occasions done things regarding DD I asked her not to. My mum has then stuck up for her when I asked my mum not to become involved. They want to see DD a lot and because of things my sis has done I now dread going to visit. I never imagined this before I had DD as me and my mum were quite close. AIBU to feel like this and has anyone else has felt like their relationship with family has become more strained since having a baby?

God yes! I thought I was weird!

Thank you

It almost makes you question your upbringing x

Who are you angry with here? your mother or your sister?

That’s a shame. Perhaps you need to make more of an effort to stay connected. A lot of people would love for their child to have an aunty and grandmother who wants to see them a lot. Do try to appreciate the love they give to your DD.

I found It really difficult with my mumafter having my DS. We had always been really close but all my parenting choices she criticised as modern parenting. Breast feeding, sleep routines, weaning from 6 months, she advised me to put sugar in water to drink. I had to bite my tongue constantly but I felt quite resentful at times.
However, I love my mum and tried to look past it as she was only trying to help. She just struggled to understand I wanted to go things a different way from her.

You are not alone. My kids adore my parents but my relationship with my parents is so much worse. I feel constantly judged and criticised. Strained is exactly the word .

There are ways and ways of doing things. You probably take a more modern approach, ergo she also feels criticised. Your sister is using the familiar pattern she was brought up with.

Neither is right, or wrong. Just different. Perhaps if mothers, both new and experienced stop being so hyper critical and accept that each has valid points and merits, there might be a little less antagonism?

Although I didn't have contact with my parents I always thought (in the back of my mind) that perhaps I'd understand their stresses/difficulties more once I had children of my own. In the end I understand the choice to be neglectful and abusive even less now.

Does your Mum always stick up for your sister? Could it be that that's being highlighted more than ever?

I felt the same. I felt that my hubby and DD were more my family. I've felt it's easier now that she's a toddler people are less lass remarkable and annoying.

"Do try to appreciate the love they give to your DD."

Why?

Because it's "faaaaamily"?

Whay has your sister done Op & why would your mum feel the need to stick up for her?-are you not both adults who can sort things out?

I'm far more conscious of some of the things that DM did, and think "why the fuck would you want to do that to your own child?". I'd ignored it all before. So, no, definitely not closer. DS has rather acted as a highlighter for how shit my own childhood actually was.

IMO grandparents truly show their love for their GC by showing care and support for their parents (ie the OP)

My mum is one such person. If it's meant her biting her tongue from time to time, and being secure enough to not feel criticised by my different way of doing things then so be it

I can absolutely accept that becoming a parent reveals much about the relationship you have with your parents - good and bad

I also think this probably has to do with how your parents have dealt with sibling issues.

What exactly are the comments your DM has made and what has your dsis done?

It’s also about how they are biting their tongue, if they do. My parents bite their tongue but it is so obvious they are biting it that it is just painful - they may as well have said the criticism anyway.

Thanks everyone I have found it a really lonely time. Glad to hear I'm not completely on my own. I said to DH I feel like I have ruined a lot of my maternity leave feeling angry and upset. I hate confrontation so only brought this up once when my sis was completely out of order. I don't want to write too much of what she did on here as I know afew people on here and it might be outing. What made it worse was she wouldn't even answer for what she did and just tried to spin it on me saying she didn't like the way I spoke to her DH was also livid and when I told one of my friends she couldn't believe it so I know I had the right to be upset.
I suppose my problem is more with my sis I think I could deal with my mums comments on their own. I wouldn't say my mum favours her so much. A friend of mine recently described it right. She says my mum 'enables my sis behaviour.' My sis is often in some sort of spat with someone and is often very selfish and still behaves like she is 18. My mum just always feels sorry for her as if it's always the other persons fault. I often have to listen to my mum telling me how such a body was mean to my sis. She can't seem to see the pattern. I suppose I can understand to some extent now having DD.

" I often have to listen to my mum telling me how such a body was mean to my sis. "

Well you could ignore/cut her off/not engage?

" esp my mum about me breastfeeding, holding DD too much "

That doesn't sound too great of your mum-she should be supporting you!